Can you be in like with someone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Can you be in like with someone?
9
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 10:47am

Hi Everyone,

I come here to this board every so often to lurk and see what ideas you guys have on dating. Granted, I never thought I would date considering that my prospects before IE were slim to begin with. And now that I'm a single mom, I have my 2 cute deterrents as I call them, but I mean it in the nicest way. Most guys don't look twice which means the market is smaller for the ones that will look. Anyway, here I am and I need help and your advice.

To start, I'm divorced and I have minimal contact with the ex. He doesn't see the kids and he doesn't pay child support. So one day I call the bank to go over one of my statements and the guy on the phone sounds really nice and personable. I thought about asking him out, but I thought I shouldn't. But I thought about the guy because he left the nicest impression. Another month goes by and I have to call the bank again over something and I get the same guy (what are the odds???). So I thought serendipity doesn't come too often in my life and I should ask him out for coffee. So I did and he accepted my offer. But I still hadn't seen what he looked like, so I stopped by the bank just to say hi. I saw him and he was much older in person than what he sounded like over the phone (I'm 23). Unphased by this, I still say hi, make small talk and leave to go pick up my kids from daycare. I didn't tell him about the kids right away because I wanted to check on the public database thing to see if he's been an offender (that isn't too drastic is it?). I found that he wasn't and we talked for about a week. It was our fourth conversation when he found out that I had kids and that was because he called me before 8 and I don't put the kids down by 8:30. He didn't mind that I had kids. We finally went and got that cup of coffee and talked for 2 hours. And I had a great time and he said he did too. Since then we've talked on the phone and we've kept it light.

I wrote all this to say that I like him. He's very personable and I feel comfortable around him, first time for me because it takes me awhile to warm up to a guy, especially one that I like. I do have ground rules that I made for myself after I divorced such as he can't meet the kids until 6 months into the relationship, no intimacy (that's just me, but I know I get stuck on stupid when I get intimate and I can't see because the rose colored glasses turn black and I can't see any fault), etc. All the while as I write this, I am scared stiff! There are too many what ifs floating through my mind and all I want to do is think rationally for 2 seconds and get some clarity into this situation. I want to finish school and get a better paying job so I can get my kids into things that they want to do, and buy a house... All these plans I made when I left my ex and finally divorced never had a guy in the picture. I just figured it wouldn't happen to me. And one day I got real gutsy, asked a guy out, found that we like each other and now I'm scared. We haven't said the "l" word, no promises have been made, but I feel like I need to be 5 steps ahead to be sure of things just in case. I thought this would be something friendly and I would get a cool guy friend, but my hyperactive imagination has been running non-stop and I need perspective.

MC




Edited 6/13/2005 11:16 am ET ET by mariechristine81
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 2:17pm

Hi MarieChristine!

So... what’s the rush? It sounds to me like you are doing everything right! You said it was drastic to look him up on the offender database, but I think you’re one smart cookie!
You’re taking your time getting to know him, you’re not letting sex cloud your thoughts. You’re keeping your kids at length until you know for sure if he’s a good catch.

I don’t think you need to change anything right now, just keep taking things slow and stick to your ground rules. Maintain the friendship and see if it builds from there. He sounds like he’s interested in you and as long as you continue to let him know you’re interested, he will probably ask you out. Personally, I would let him make the next move on initiating a date. You may be 5 steps ahead in your mind, but you’re right on track in the real world. And there’s no reason why you can’t continue on with your plans, just because a guy enters the picture. In fact, the right guy will support you in accomplishing your goals, not get in the way…

So remember, focus on continuing with your goals and accomplishing what you want, and just treat him as nice unexpected little extra that might turn into more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 6:29pm

MarieChristine,

To me you sound balanced, mature, and self aware. You have all the markings of someone who can make good solid choices in her life- so just follow your intuition.

As far as your "hyperactive imagination"- I have one too. I used to think of it as a bad thing when I was younger. But with time and knowledge, I now see myself, not so much as someone with a hyperactive imagination, as I do an abstract thinker- someone who can grab bits of information from the hypothetical world as readily as the real world. This kind of thinking can be emotionally exhausting because, as you mentioned, you are many steps ahead of the game already. But it is also the kind of thinking that allows you to anticipate problems and nip them in the bud early. It is the kind of thinking that can make you more responsive to the needs of others. It is the kind of thinking that can truly get you what you want (and quickly identify and weed out what you don't want.) So trust yourself. And force yourself to relax because you are on the right track.

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 2:31pm
You've just had coffee. That's it. I would not have sent the email. It was a coffee date.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 3:37pm
she didn't say anything about sending him a email.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 3:59pm
I misread that part. Don't I feel silly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 9:23pm

Hi MC and welcome to our board,

I think you need to wait for him to show more interest and pursue you. Do you know for sure that he wants a relationship and is not currently in one?

Otherwise I think you are on the right track with regards to the rest of you life - it is great that you have goals for yourself and the job and the house and the kids. And it is great that you have set rules for yourself for dating.

Keep us posted - take it slow - don't push - let it go at his pace and see what happens. Try to hold your heart back until you really know for sure that he is that into you and wants a relationship and the same things you do.

GOOD LUCK!

signature
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 9:12am

Hi Judy,

Thanks for replying back. I was going to write today about this because he's shown more interest than I bargained for.

He wants me to meet his mom when she comes to visit in 2 weeks.

Tomorrow we go out on our second date (which he initiated) and when he mentioned he'd like me to meet his mom, I freaked. I like him and we talk on the phone for hours, which is a big deal for me because I barely talk on the phone, especially after the kids go to bed. He's very sweet, but the mom thing freaked me out because I don't know what that means. Doesn't that usually mean that he wants the relationship to go further? I want things to go molasses slow. But I'm so clueless to guys, what does all this mean????

Clueless,
MC

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 10:27am

I don't know what it means, but it would definitely freak me out too!

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 1:44pm
I wouldn't want to meet his mother. That seems stressful and you two aren't even a couple yet.