can't make up my mind
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| Mon, 06-20-2005 - 10:56am |
hello all. i hope that you are all doing well. i seem to only write when i have a personal issue that i need guidance with. sorry for that :(
this will most likely be long and drawn out. a while back, i wrote about my SO and how his life is very hectic. with 3 kids, an ongoing custody battle, and a crazy job. many of you told me that i should probably bail b/c my main complaint was that he didn't have time for me and my kids. of course, as is the norm with me, i ignore what everyone tells me and I press on trying to make things better.
let me start by saying that i see so many good qualities with this guy. he hits almost every mark on my "checklist" and that is why i think that i continue on with hope. i am the type who looks at the best in people when i first start out with them, but then tend to destroy it when people don't meet up to my expectations.
my biggest issue with him is not the time thing in regards to physically seeing him, it is a contact issue. we live about 45 minutes apart and he does have his kids 50% of the time. this makes it difficult b/c we often don't even have time to talk on the phone. his children are young like mine, but he seems to be so much busier than me. someone (sorry i foget who) said in another thread that sometimes single dads seem more consumed by the parenting thing than single moms. why that is i don't know, but i just feel like i have things together and am able to find the time for a relationship. he seems to always have a hard time finding the time for me. even to make a phone call. i have talked to him about it and he understands how i feel but also says that i shouldn't take is so personally. he says that i shouldn't take him not making a phone call b/c he is busy as a reflection of the way he feels about me.
i am just having such a hard time with all of this. with my XH, i made excuses for his behavior and didn't want to accept who he REALLY was. he did a major job on my self esteem and my sense of security with men. i just don't want to be hurt, so i am left with this dilemma.....am i just being insecure or is this a serious red flag? i know that he loves me and i love him. do i need to be more independent (like my SO wants me to be) or is it ok to feel the way that i do? i just don't want to repeat my poor judgment in the past, but i also don't want to ruin a good thing with insecurity.
not looking for any big solutions, just some input. you guys are all so inspiring and i do value everything you all have to say :) thanks for listening.
steph

"i wrote about my SO and how his life is very hectic. with 3 kids, an ongoing custody battle, and a crazy job."
You mention he's still in a custody battle, is this all very recent for him? Maybe he hasn't had enough to time to get it together yet? Maybe you need to give him more time and space to get it all figured out?
And maybe you haven't had enough time to rebuild your self-esteem from your last relationship? If you're insecure, nothing he does is going to change that. You need to work on that yourself.
Also, don't get hung up on how often he calls, it's more about the quality of the conversations you have with him. I would rather have a really good intimate and personal phone call two times a week, than talk to him everyday while he's trying to juggle his kids in the background. If the time you have with him is good quality time and he acts and treats you in ways that makes you feel secure in his feelings for you, then maybe you can find a way to stretch that to last through til the next time? OR...
Maybe you could both benefit from a little time apart to work on each of your individual issues, and then come together again? If you really do love eachother, you'll find a way to make it work.
Coincidentally, my SO has full custody of his 3 boys, but we managed to make it work. :)
Well, you've talked to him about how you feel, so he knows what's going on with you and that's a good start. How did he respond to you, was he reassuring, "I'm sorry you're feeling left out, I'm a little busy, but I'll put in more effort for us" or just, "well, I'm busy, deal with it."
If he was reassuring, then relax and let things take their course, give him a little space and try to make a scheduled meeting or call time that will work for him in this short term hectic schedule.
If he's not reassuring, then he's not really into the relationship and you should just let it go. Give him the space and see if he calls but move forward in your life and date other men. He might realize after not hearing from you for a while that he misses you and makes that effort to get back into your life. But then again, he might just not.
But I don't think you should keep giving him the ball and not getting it back. Relationships should not be hard work, and you seem to be putting in a lot of effort here without any return on your *investment*. Sure, you want to give him a chance and hope things will change, but how long do you want to wait? Think to a time YOU'VE been super busy and overwhelmed with things around you, did you take the time to ensure that someone you cared for felt like they were in your thoughts- be it a partner, friend or family member?
I guess what I'm saying is that you seem to be waiting for his move, and you shouldn't wait too long. He'll make the time if you're a priority, so if you're not getting the time, where do you think that leaves you? Don't get so caught up in your checklist of good qualities that you're overlooking the negative ones.
Alison
thanks for the encouragement. i have been really trying to work on myself aside from him b/c i feel like that is the biggest part of my problem. he is very supportive with all of that and actually has the patience of a saint with some of my insecurities. i think he wants to help me to be a strong woman independent of him. i am the one who feels like i need constant reassurance be it in the form of a phone call or whatever. i know what i need to do, but can't seem to get over the hump. i think that is why i tend to obsess about the phone calling thing.
his situation will hopefully improve soon and i am trying to have a positive outlook. the time we spend together is great and such, i just want more of it. my neediness from my past (XH was very neglectful) is keeping me from being happy in the present.
on a positive note, we had our 2nd outing with all of the kids (5 in total) this weekend. we have been seeing each other for about 9 months and have been very careful with our kids. it went pretty well. a little chaotic, but in a good way :)
thanks alison. i appreciate your comments. he has been reassuring, which is good. for some reason though, whether it be my past or lack of experience...i was with my XH for 9 years and only dated a few guys before that...i have a hard time trusting his feelings.
i know that the problem mostly lies with me. i think that his intentions are always good, it is just hard for him to find the time. he is also very big on being able to spend the time talking to me. he doesn't want to call for a minute and then have to run. he would rather wait until he has more time to have a longer chat.
i just have a hard time knowing the difference between what is just how guys act (so i hear) and what is a serious issue.
LOL. We use to sit in 2 rows with the two younger kids in the back row, and the older kids in the front row. That way if the younger ones kicked the seat they weren't annoying someone else, just one of our own!
Now that the kids are a bit older, we let them sit up at the VERY front of the theatre by themselves and we sit a few rows back. The feeling of independence somehow makes them act more responsibly, usually no one else sits around them, we can see them fine from where we sit, and it saves us a lot of grief. ;)
Well, since you've been with this guy for 9 months and he is reassuring, then I agree it's all in your head :)
Seriously though, you should look at seeing a counsellor about your lower self esteem, or take the alternate route of getting out and doing something you like that boost your confidence in yourself. If you have a hobby you enjoy, then get doing it so you can feel good without needing someone else to give you that boost.
It will take time to work through that needing of validation, especially when you lived with someone for so long that practically starved you of anything. Since your partner is so understanding, then letting him know what you need from him will help you both. I'm sure that with a little extra from him you will be able to work through things easier and not feel like you're being so needy.
But you have to start challenging yourself when you start having those negative thoughts so you can see the truth. When you think, "he doesn't like me anymore", you can ask yourself, "did he SAY that?" Make sense?
Good luck!
Alison