can't past my ex- HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
can't past my ex- HELP
19
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 11:55am

Hi-

I posted on here a few weeks ago about how I was having a hard time dealing with my breakup with my son's father. We were together almost five years and we ended things last November. Every now and then, (well probably more frequent than that) I get this horrible sickness in my stomach and I crave his company and his attention and affection and our sex life.

I beat myself up about it constantly because we were not ever meant to be together. He cheated on me, and didn't know how to stay at home ( always out with the guys), just overall not marriage material. But how do I get past these cravings? I mean they are so intense at times. We have a four year old son together, so he is always going to be in my life. It will almost be a year since we broke up, and I still can't get past him. I have dated, to see if I could be compatible with other men, but every guy I have dated I just can't seem to find feelings for- so I end up leaving them.

What I need is some help and advise. And before any of you repeat what I already know- let me tell you what I struggle with.

1- I know that until I am really over my ex, I really shouldn't be dating. Becuase it's not fair for the guy, and I will not really be able to give anyone a true chance.

2- I know that I can't have a friendship with him, and I don't. We only speak about our son and we do not discuss our own personal lives.

3- I also know that professional help may be required, and I have been seeing a therapist, I take anti-depressants, and I have read so many self help books out there, I am beginning to think they are full of cr@p.

I am still in love with him, and the sad thing is-- he doesn't deserve me. I guess I have some sort of abused-woman syndrome. You know, when you can't leave the man abusing you, b/c of the attachment there is.

I hate myself that I am still in love with him, and I do know that there are good guys out there, and they will love me and treat me the way I deserve. But the sad thing is,... I don't want anyone else. I just want him. And I don't know how to get past this. What can I do to stop the ache for him. I dream about him, and I wake up so sad b/c reality sinks in and I can't control my dreams.

How can I stop loving him? How do I stop craving his touch? How do I stop dreaming about him?
It's been almost a year, and I am still in love with him, and I would probably take him back if he asked,...my family is worried b/c they think I have passed up a really great guy b/c I can't get over my ex. They think he will always control me and I will never move on. And I am thinking they are right.

I need some real good, solid advise. What am I doing wrong? Please help me....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 12:06pm

Aww sweetie - sounds like you are still in a world of pain from him and that you made a conscious decision to know he is not the one for you because of his cheating. There is something there in your sub conscience that keeps you tied - perhaps something stemming from your childhood?

It appears that this attachment is keeping you from moving on with your life and is affecting you in a very negative and troubling manner.

I would highly recommend professional counseling - you will learn a lot and benefit a lot.

I also think that time, people and activities heal all wounds - one day you will wake up and not miss him - but you have to stay busy in your life with friends, supportive family members and find stuff that is fun to do for you - interests, hobbies, accomplishments, maybe your career, exercise, church, stuff like that. Time away from dating will help you a lot.

Good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 3:12pm
Listen to Judy. Everything she says is true. And one day you will wake up and think to yourself, I didn't like the way he treated me, he is not good for me, I deserve better. And the next thing I'm fixing to say I say only because I try, even in the worst situations, to find humor in everything so I can deal with it.......imagine in your mind that he is this gigantic turd, talking and everything. Kinda like on that movie "Weird Science" where they turned that guy's brother into a turd.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 6:21pm

I agree wholeheartedly with talking to a therapist, but for the meantime, I'll toss out


Soonee's Big Plan for Getting Over Men


(lol)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 7:56am

Judy and Soonee do give excellent advice. I don't have any advice to add, since they've covered it.

What I would recommend is figuring out why you would want to be involved with an obvious abuser- but figure it out for you, not to get over him or not to move on. Just for you. Once you have whatever the trigger is figured out- are you afraid he was the best you can do? Are you worried about being alone? Is it because you share a child? Was he your first love? ... You don't have to answer any of these questions, I'm just thinking out loud here.

Please stay, share, vent, cry, laugh with us. Know that we are here for you, but do see a therapist.

I've certainly had moments where I thought reconciling with my ex was better than being alone. I made sure they were brief moments, mainly by following a lot of Sonneee's adivce (before she gave it) and by keeping myself busy doing things I never would have been able to do with him.

It does get better, but I'd say to focus on YOU for a while- not worrying about getting over him or finding someone new, but just for the sake of YOU.

(hugs), this is hard.

Moody, who keeps her mental lists handy, just in case


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 8:51am

What great ideas. That is a fantastic post!!!! Thanks for sharing.

Priscilla

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 11:28am

It will take time, that's all.


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 5:56pm
WOW - what a great list - so glad you shared!!! I think you should start a site called sooneetipsfordating.com!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 11:10pm

I think you should start a site


Yikes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 11:19pm

Thanks for the advise.

I do try to keep myself busy. I just hate those moments where I get weak and I miss him. Even though I know he doesn't deserve that much of my time.

i have been seeing a therapist for about three years now. I do suffer from clinical depression, and I do see a Dr. on a regular basis for medicine. And that has helped, because when things were really tough a few months ago, I don't know where I would have ended up without my therapist and my medicine. I am doing better now, I don't have to take as much anxiety medicine.

I just don't know why I miss him. He really wasn't the best person for me, but we did share a good friendship, and i think i miss being able just to talk to him. We don't get along, he has completely fallen off the "father" bandwagon, and thinks b/c he pays childsupport that he doesn't hav 2 b involved with our son.

So, I do ask myself constantly- y do I still miss him??-- and I just don't have a good reason. I don't know what that means, except I would love to be able to think about him and not have my heart hurt...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 11:21pm

There is something there in your sub conscience that keeps you tied - perhaps something stemming from your childhood?

Could you elaborate on this? I don't know of anything in my childhood that would "tie" me to him.... I had a good childhood... perhaps if you could elaborate I can discuss this theory with my therapit.

Thanks.

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