can't past my ex- HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
can't past my ex- HELP
19
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 11:55am

Hi-

I posted on here a few weeks ago about how I was having a hard time dealing with my breakup with my son's father. We were together almost five years and we ended things last November. Every now and then, (well probably more frequent than that) I get this horrible sickness in my stomach and I crave his company and his attention and affection and our sex life.

I beat myself up about it constantly because we were not ever meant to be together. He cheated on me, and didn't know how to stay at home ( always out with the guys), just overall not marriage material. But how do I get past these cravings? I mean they are so intense at times. We have a four year old son together, so he is always going to be in my life. It will almost be a year since we broke up, and I still can't get past him. I have dated, to see if I could be compatible with other men, but every guy I have dated I just can't seem to find feelings for- so I end up leaving them.

What I need is some help and advise. And before any of you repeat what I already know- let me tell you what I struggle with.

1- I know that until I am really over my ex, I really shouldn't be dating. Becuase it's not fair for the guy, and I will not really be able to give anyone a true chance.

2- I know that I can't have a friendship with him, and I don't. We only speak about our son and we do not discuss our own personal lives.

3- I also know that professional help may be required, and I have been seeing a therapist, I take anti-depressants, and I have read so many self help books out there, I am beginning to think they are full of cr@p.

I am still in love with him, and the sad thing is-- he doesn't deserve me. I guess I have some sort of abused-woman syndrome. You know, when you can't leave the man abusing you, b/c of the attachment there is.

I hate myself that I am still in love with him, and I do know that there are good guys out there, and they will love me and treat me the way I deserve. But the sad thing is,... I don't want anyone else. I just want him. And I don't know how to get past this. What can I do to stop the ache for him. I dream about him, and I wake up so sad b/c reality sinks in and I can't control my dreams.

How can I stop loving him? How do I stop craving his touch? How do I stop dreaming about him?
It's been almost a year, and I am still in love with him, and I would probably take him back if he asked,...my family is worried b/c they think I have passed up a really great guy b/c I can't get over my ex. They think he will always control me and I will never move on. And I am thinking they are right.

I need some real good, solid advise. What am I doing wrong? Please help me....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 8:52am

Actually, Soonee can explain this one much better. Somewhere in here Soonee has a whole article written by a PhD type (maybe it was Dr. Phil?) about how your childhood experiences affect the infatuation you have for another person and why you pick that person. But the basic summary of what I have read is that what you lacked might be what you are now trying to gain.

For example, some who were raised with alcoholic parents might marry an alcoholic thinking they can master the situation or because they do not have the red flags that go off to say drinking like that is not normal. That is an extreme example of course but a common occurrence. I hope I am not stepping on any toes here - but maybe someone who has had these experiences with drinkers can comment more?

I think back on my childhood and the man I married and why our marriage failed. I feel my mom never really accepted me for who I was - she was always trying to make me like herself. She is one of those ones who has a very closed mind and cannot fathom someone else liking anything she doesn't like or the fact that I can be so different from her. I feel she is very selfish. The flip side to this is that she is extremely talented as an artist. So, on one hand you get the talent, but on the other hand you do not get to be who you really want to be if you are worried about pleasing her. I feel that I married someone who was very stubborn and not flexible because I was always trying to hard to be the pleaser and be accepted. It is the classic example of the girl chasing the guy instead of worrying about what is in it for her. The irony is that much of the troubles I had with my in-laws is because my exh lives his life to please his mom and put her before me to an extreme and he still does this today with our son. His mother is one of those types who will never be happy and is very critical and negative - the whole thing is actually very sad.

I have since turned over the whole apple cart in my life so to speak and I do not put up with any of my mom's selfishness (or anyone's for that matter). For example, one year she wanted to have my birthday party at my house. I mean, I am a single mom who works and for me to have to invite her and my father and my sister (NONE of them work) and sister's kids to my house and clean it twice for my birthday is not really my idea of a great birthday and maybe I am more picky because of our past issues. So I said that doesn't work for me - I will just hang out with my Nicholas and have a lovely evening. And that is what I did.

I could go on and on - I mean my childhood was really good and especially when you compare it to so many others. My parents love me and I was afforded all of the necessities of life. They have helped me financially with my school and some with my business. But I no longer live my life to please them and certainly not to please the one I am with. I live my life now to please myself!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 2:57pm

Well, I don't know that I can explain it better, but I can post that article you mentioned:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsolomother&msg=10448.1&ctx=0


I can't recall the

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
Sat, 08-18-2007 - 4:18am

I totally feel you girl! I was in the same situation. I married & divorced my first boyfriend and lover. We were together for 5 years, had a son,married for 14 months and have been seperated /divorced for almost five years. I wish i could tell you that the ache will go away with time, but unfortunately it won't. You have to make a conscious effort to find out why you feel this way and then take steps to make yourself feel better. It has been five years since my divorce and up till a couple of months ago, the ache has finally started to lessen for me. I too have done the dating thing and actually got into an ill fated relationship three months after my ex moved out. I tried to get over him by being with someone else and ended up hurting a really decent man in the process. Since then i have been single for the past three years. I have dated without success. Throughout this time i have second guessed myself so many times about my decision to divorce my ex. I felt that my Karma was kicking my ass because i was the one terminated the marriage, and now it was my time to pay and be alone . I had very valid reasons for leaving him(drinking, not helping me with our newborn, coming home late or not at all, degrading me and making me feel like crap,putting his friends and family before me and our son,never having money, no ambition..etc) After every failed date i would start thinking about my dates with my ex and how wonderful that felt, all the good times..etc (sound familiar?). Frustrated, defeated and lonely i admitted to my ex that i was still in love with him. We considered getting back together again in January. We slept together after five years of being apart. It was wonderful. However, shortly after that, everything started falling apart. He started being aloof, wouldn't return calls, wouldn't come by to see me or his son, acting indifferent when i told him that i loved him. I found out that he was talking to other girls, even though we had talked about getting back together and sleeping together. He also went back to his old patterns, drinking, being in debt,etc. He was playing a game. Though he claimed to still love me, he also wanted to hurt me for hurting him when i divorced him.

That was it. I stopped making illusions about having my little family back and about my son living in a two parent family and started getting real with myself. It was over and there was no going back. That dream was DEAD. After that "episode" i had to evaluate why i wanted to go back with someone that hadn't changed. And i have come to the conclusion that apart from the standard "i was feeling lonely", i was mourning the dream of the happy family/marriage and it was also because i didn't feel worthy of anyone better. Mind you, before him i never dated or had much of a social life. I considered myself a nerd and suffered from poor self esteem. I was teased mercilessly from the first to the eight grade and that had alot to do with my low self esteem and fear of males. He was the first guy who thought i was beautiful and who pursued me. Basically, i took the first guy who looked at me and ran! I know it sounds cliche that you have to love yourself before anyone can love you back. However, it is very true in my case. You are worthy of being treated better than what he was treating you. Girl, he is the same guy you divorced and the reasons behind your divorce are very valid. He will not change. People don't change. My ex is in the same position he was when i met him, broke and living with his mother.

I believe that you also have to realize that the "Dream" all us women have (perfect marriage, 2 parent home for your child) is gone...with him, and that is hard. But you also have to realize that now that that marriage is over, you have the opportunity for a "do-over" with the right person! Dating is hard and frustrating. I am on a dating hiatus after having the two worst dates of my life (the first guy took off within 20 minutes of our date & the 2nd stood me up)! I don't have to deal with this crap and won't. Im better than that (beautiful, successful, educated, independent) and as a result have chosen to take some time out for me. Not dating and being single is not a tragedy. Hang out with your kid and have fun. Treat yourself well and know that you are worthy of hving a good, decent man love you and you dont have to settle. Yes, i think i will always love my ex, but he is not "good" to me or for me, just like your ex is not good for you. Yes i think its a good idea to keep a cordial but distant relationship with your ex for your sons sake and your sanity(getting too close and friendly will only set off triggers). Yes it gets lonely, and yes i am horny as hell! ( i havent had sex for almost 7 months), but im happy and confident that i will fall in love some day with someone who is good to me and for me, just like you will too. Thoughts become actions, be good to youself, believe you are worthy and you'll see that you will fall in love again.

Much Love

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Sat, 08-18-2007 - 10:28am

<<<<

very well said. You took the words right out of my mouth. After I left my ex, this was my conclusion as to what I was actually feeling. I worked very hard for my dream for 16 years with this man and it blew up. You have to give yourself time to mourn any loss.

I now look at that "dream" that I had at the age of 20 and see it as Plan A. A couple of years after Plan A blew up, I realized, at the age of 39, I needed a Plan B. Plan B is still in the works, as I keep adding and deleting things from it. It does include a lot of things for "me" because in Plan A "me" was forgotten. The biggest hurdle of Plan B is getting my daughter through school without totally going insane! She has 5 more years. After those 5 years Plan B can really kick in.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 11:14am

Ok, so I read it and of course it made a lot of sense to me. Question is.....

So how are you supposed to really be able to break that cycle, if subconsiously you seek exactly those sort of people? No matter how many years of therapy I had, I chose exactly those people over and over again. And the saddest thing? I realize why I do it. I know and very conscious of it that it reverts back to my childhood and abandonement issues from my father (and acceptance). I have been for several years, but I try VERY hard to date different people that I think are NOT going to be that way, but in the end they are.

So what is the problem? Everyone that is now single has an issue? It all still doesnt' make sense to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 1:30pm

The short answer is, "I don't know".

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 9:50pm
Very good - I love the idea of Plan A and Plan B!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 10:01pm

I think that you being aware of your issues is a huge start. And I think that every human being has issues - just some more than others.

Somehow I think that forgiveness to all those in your past helps the most. To understand that they did the best they could and did not mean to hurt you - that is key. I was reading about that in my early dating years - that to make peace with your past - both with family and all those you have had relationships with - is a huge step - to be able to see their side and understand it. To make peace with family and to be able to get along with them in some fashion and to communicate boundaries and needs is a valuable step - because if you can't do that with family and friends then how are you to do that with an SO.

I think one of the most unbelievable revelations I had is that everyone is human and no one person is going to make me happy - I have to make me happy. And also that you cannot expect everyone to magically respect your wishes or to know your needs and put them ahead of their own. Everyone has needs and issues and they usually put their own first.

I have made a point to try to get along better with my family and friends. And to put my own needs first and set firm boundaries instead of looking for validation and being a pleaser. And that has done a lot for me. I depend on me - and I have everything I need - I don't depend on anyone for anything. I don't "need" someone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 10:05pm
Great post as usual. You make two great points - timing is everything - we have to be ready - and beware of vacuum cleaners. I have always loved your vacuum cleaner term!

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