Can't pay bills so we can eat....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Can't pay bills so we can eat....
30
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 12:28pm
Anyone ever forgo bills so you can put food on the table? I never thought this would happen to me again. But it has. We would have 1200 dollars free if Shane hadn't made a mistake several months back. He pawned his father's gun and Rolex so he could pay for my engagement ring. Well, he went to get the stuff out last week and it ended up costing him 250 more than he expected and now we're broke. Totally broke. So here I am, pregnant, and worrying over money. I took Dylan to get a cavity filled today and it cost a fortune. We may get a refund from insurance on some of it. But not anytime soon. But bet on it that I'm gonna call can ask when I can expect it. Shane had no choice but to go get his items out of the pawn shop. It was due and he needed to go or lose them. So we are having to not pay his truck note this month (we will make up for it next month) and be late on a few things so we can get food. It's really sad. I hate being pregnant right now since I have this stuff to worry me. Shane never worries about it. He always says it will be okay. Maybe I need to just stop caring like he does and just float thru life like nothing matters. Unfortunately, I can't be like that. It is truly amazing how we can have such a large income and never have any money.

I need a hug,

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 4:00pm
He's on Ford Motor Credit, so we don't really have to worry about it right now. He's had it deferred before too. One month is no big deal and it's almost paid off. Our fridge is almost paid for too. 3 more months on it and we're done. So that's a big load off us. I also have one more payment on a credit bill I had when we got together. So that will free us up with those three and give us an extra 650 dollars each month. Not a bad deal. Only a short period of time left...

I agree with you that Shane isn't ready to stop it. I am going to tell him to stop the EBay shopping so often. I know EBay has great bargains and he finds so much cool stuff there, but even if it's just 15 dollars, it's 15 we could use for more important things. I know the baby will settle him down. We already can't do some of the things we used to because of the pregnancy and I told him when he asked me if I would be willing to start trying right away for a baby that we would be limited to staying home a lot more and less hanging out with friends. It would be expensive with a baby and we'd be doing a lot of home stuff. He said it would be fine and that he'd be glad to stay home and play with the baby more often than going out. So we know that on occasions we will have a friend or family mamber watch him/her for us so we can get dinner and a movie once in a while, but other than that, we will be home more. I think starting now on that routine is best. Hey, we need to grow up and take charge of what's truly important.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 4:43pm
Maggie...I have a little different perspective.

Maybe Shane just LIKES giving things to people. I don't think it would have to be a self esteem issue. And if he makes good maybe he feels it's not a big issue. And...he hasn't had to answer to someone else for a long time. Generousity isn't necessarily a self esteem thing. And since he's the breadwinner he probably feels he should be able to have a say in the spending.

I have friends who have plenty of money and give to friends because they feel if they have more that maybe God has given it to them to help those with less.

He's the kind of man who has plenty of room in his heart for a single mom AND a child that isn't his biologically. Maybe he's just big hearted.

Mel, if you love him for his big heart, relax...adjustments will happen. And with you paying attention to getting things paid off, it'll get better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 4:55pm
I think you have to be careful that you are having him buy into the budget instead of giving him your rules. You don't want him to feel like a little kid - you want him to feel appreciated for being such a good provider.

Can your software keep track of the total for ebay purchases?

I think that if you make staying at home so much fun then he will enjoy that a little more!!

It sounds as though you are about to turn the corner with getting some debt paid off. Maybe what you can do is to keep making those payments into a savings account so you never really feel like you have more money to spend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 5:14pm
Mel,

Congrats again on your pregnancy.

Now Shane does need to understand the idea of a budget, and whether it comes from you or a financial planner, he needs to really LOOK and SEE what it means. Sit him down and start by asking him to write down the income and expenses, for himself. Ask him to write what his paychecks amount to and the dates they come in. Then ask him to list the expenses he knows need to be provided for. (house, car, insurance, phone, electricity, etc) Then have him list the variables and what he believes is spent on them (food, dry cleaning, eating out, parties, etc.) Then ask him to deduct the expenses from the income and see for himself what he thinks is left over. THEN show him the reality of what was spent on the expenses from the previous month. Chances are they will be a lot higher than he realized.

Then the two of you can look at ways to cut back and start A)ensuring all bills are paid on time and B)saving money. Perhaps you need to open a separate account for bills from the spending account? Or maybe he can agree to a certain "free" spending amount every month- an amount that he can do whatever he wants with that won't interfere with the bills being paid. You may also need to do some cuts to things for a while, no more eating out every week, no more paying for others to hang out- no matter how "poor" they are (remind him that your friends will understand, since you are having a baby). Don't buy newspapers and magazines, don't renew old subscriptions to them either. Cancel all but one credit card, and have your limit lowered- also see if they can offer you a lower interest rate. Take 10% from each paycheque and put it in a savings account right away, essentially paying yourself first. Even if it's only 5%, that's something being saved, right? Since his vehicle is almost paid off, that's great, but if it hadn't been, I would have suggested to trade it in for something with a lower monthly payment. Also, make sure that you have the lowest possible rate for your insurance. I know here, they will give you a little further discount if you have a restriction that no one with less than 10 yrs driving experience will drive your vehicle. Some will also give a deduction if you have an anti- theft device. The biggest thing I see is the dry cleaning bill. Maybe he should start investing in pants that don't require dry cleaning, but are good with a simple wash and iron. Show him the reality of what he spent ON DRY CLEANING ALONE last year.

There's so many things that we do that we can do cheaper. Sometimes it's hard, but the reality is that sometimes we have to buckle down and do it for a while. If you guys can sit down and work out a budget that works for you both AND start working towards a goal, then it will all be worth it.

I wish you the best of luck.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 9:57am
That's one of the reasons I did fall for him. His big heart and loving ways. And I do love how he likes to do for others. I guess I just get irritated with how these same people come to EXPECT it. You know? I really love my friend, but I know she comes over knowing she isn't gonna have to pay a cent for whatever we do. Of course, at least she's TRIED to pay for her own stuff before. Shane's friend from Arlington is just used to getting paid for so he never ever bothers to attempt.

I love how big Shane's heart is and I appreciate his kindness to me, my son and to others, but I hate how some people take advantage of him. He doesn't see it that way, so I guess I need to just let him be as giving as he pleases because I COULD have the alternative....a selfish ogre.

Thanks!

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 10:06am
As for credit cards, we have one small one open. Just for emergencies. Very low limit. I didn't want a big one. I have one that I closed and am paying at a lower interest rate. His truck was a lease and since it's almost paid, we just deal with it for now.

I think eventually, we will get it together. He knows I'm frustrated and is trying not to let me stress. He's listening to me and considering what we're doing. So I think it will be alright now.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 10:13am
Well, I did our budget yesterday. I was amazed at what was actually left in free money after bills. 2000 dollars! So where is it going? We eat out, but nothing expensive, we rarely shop, his ebay stuff is cheap too. The most expensive thing we have is golf and that's once a month at most for 50 dollars. Usually, on a night we eat out, the three of us, it's like 30 dollars. If that much. The places are so reasonable here. We only go to one extravagant place here and it's on a special occasion when we have the money. Where we eat sushi. It's very high priced, but again, we rarely go. Once every 3 to four months if that. Nothing seems to be adding up. I've put it all together and even if we did all of that stuff in one month as often as we do it in reality, we'd still have a lot left over to survive. And I know when he withdraws at the ATM or uses the debit card. So he's not sneaking out cash without my knowledge. Plus I ask him about his purchase if I see an EBay thing. Not to be nosey or wear him out, but to just ask what he got. It's like 15 dollars at the most. And he doesn't buy every day or even every week. Sometimes he goes a long time off EBay. 2000 dollars. Where is it?

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 1:11pm
I suggest you look closely at your bank statements and add up all the charges. You may have put something in your budget at a lower amount than you actually spend. A daily latte at $3.00 adds up to $15.00 a week/ $60.00 a month. That daily newspaper and croissant can add up to $60.00 a month too. I find it's the littler things that add up the fastest. So break down the statements from the last few months and categorize all the payments. I thought I was only spending about $200/ month on food, I was over $500!

Also, another good thing to do is to take out a little bit of cash every week and say, that is our spending money for groceries, eating out, extras. Once that's done for the week, you can't dip anymore.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2001
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 6:00pm
I havent read all the responses...but if you call the car credit company (Ford), you can skip a payment. It's tacked on at the end. THis will free up this months payment.

I've been there, done that many times.....

Good luck!!

Deb

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 9:46pm

Hey Mel~ I'm usually just a lurker :0)


From someone who has BTDT (while I was married anyway;-)


I too was amazed when I actually put our monthly incomes/expenses on a spreadsheet and SAW how much $$ we should have left....I was left wondering ~ Where does it all go.

Hugs~ Lexi

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