Can't pay bills so we can eat....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Can't pay bills so we can eat....
30
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 12:28pm
Anyone ever forgo bills so you can put food on the table? I never thought this would happen to me again. But it has. We would have 1200 dollars free if Shane hadn't made a mistake several months back. He pawned his father's gun and Rolex so he could pay for my engagement ring. Well, he went to get the stuff out last week and it ended up costing him 250 more than he expected and now we're broke. Totally broke. So here I am, pregnant, and worrying over money. I took Dylan to get a cavity filled today and it cost a fortune. We may get a refund from insurance on some of it. But not anytime soon. But bet on it that I'm gonna call can ask when I can expect it. Shane had no choice but to go get his items out of the pawn shop. It was due and he needed to go or lose them. So we are having to not pay his truck note this month (we will make up for it next month) and be late on a few things so we can get food. It's really sad. I hate being pregnant right now since I have this stuff to worry me. Shane never worries about it. He always says it will be okay. Maybe I need to just stop caring like he does and just float thru life like nothing matters. Unfortunately, I can't be like that. It is truly amazing how we can have such a large income and never have any money.

I need a hug,

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 9:56am
"Maggie...I have a little different perspective.

Maybe Shane just LIKES giving things to people. I don't think it would have to be a self esteem issue. And if he makes good maybe he feels it's not a big issue. And...he hasn't had to answer to someone else for a long time. Generousity isn't necessarily a self esteem thing. And since he's the breadwinner he probably feels he should be able to have a say in the spending."


Hi Candi, I based my answer here on this thread not only on this recent info, but on Mel's many posts over the past year about their financial struggles, fights about money, and Shane's irresponsible overspending.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 10:39am
yes ma'am, I'm sure you had a good reason from your own experience for posting what you did.

All I said was that I have a different point of view. I STILL do. It's based on the way I live and MY value system. Money doesn't mean much to me when it comes to the value of one person over another. I have no desire to own property or a house in my lifetime. When I die, that's NOT what I'll miss or wish I had. I'll wish I had spent MORE time AND money on the people I love and I'll wish I had seen more of the world. I don't want a tidy life. Some people love that and it's good for them ...I don't. There's nothing WRONG with it, I would just be bored with it.

And I'm sure there are lots of ways of doing "life" that lie between your viewpoint and mine, and all of them are probably quite viable ways of living.

You said:

"If he couldn't have made that promise or if I didn't believe he'd already turned it around, I don't believe I would have married him. I wouldn't want to go through life always being behind the "8 ball" financially, always running to keep up, keep food on the table, and running from bill collectors. That's just no way for me to live. "

I understand completely that's not the way you want to live. Perfectly legitimate. My views are legitimate as well. I've been reading along with mel's comments for as long as you have, I believe. I didn't comment out of ignorance. And I didn't say you were wrong, there's no need to justify your post. I'm glad you know what you want and I respect you for it.

I have an ex brother in law who wouldn't marry his future wife till she paid off her credit cards (she had $1,000 balance). To me that seems cold and that would never be a prerequisite for anything. They have a nice house and lots of nice things and a great credit rating. I wouldn't BE either of them for the world.

And, my comment was particularly about his generosity to others, not his ebay spending. I'm not into avid consumerism and think we ALL ought to curb most of our spending. Personally I'd like to pare down to where I could live from a couple of suitcases and travel 9months out of the year.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 3:17pm

I'm not into avid consumerism and think we ALL ought to curb most of our spending. Personally I'd like to pare down to where I could live from a couple of suitcases and travel 9months out of the year.


I agree with this type of goal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 3:40pm
"As for buying and overspending out of generosity toward friends: I believe that family comes first. If giving things/money away to friends means that you can't put food on the table or it causes undue stress to your pregnant wife, I see that as a serious problem that needs to be curtailed."


I agree 100% with this statement and was about to post something similar, when I saw it here in Maggie's post.

I agree it's a wonderful thing to be generous and to share your generousity with others. I do it frequently. But when it is at the expense of the ones you love and share your life with, there has to be a line drawn.

I've been following Mel's posts from the beginning too...and what I see is a man who wants to have his cake and eat it too. He is married now, with a wife and son and another child on the way, but he is still spending like a single bachelor. This would be fine if they were still making ends meet, but they're not. This would be ok if both of them shared the same ideas and values about money, but it's obvious that they don't. This is a tremendous amount of stress to put on a new marriage with a baby on the way. They are going to have to find a way to come to a compromise on what they want and how they're going to get it.

JMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 4:40pm
They do have a lot of stress factors, living together, marriage, and a baby on the way already. Financial stuff just adds to the adjustments they have to make. So, cutting any smaller stress factors (financial) is probably a good idea.


******

from a website on stress factors...

Remember this:

A total score of over 300 points from either of the above 3 charts WITHIN A 12 MONTH PERIOD indicates a high probability of developing an illness.

some examples...

relationship: breakup 68

personal: change in residence 29

employment: change in responsibilities at work 29

relationship: marriage 50

Pregnancy: 40

employment, budgetary constraints: 13

personal: change in sleeping habits 16

personal: change in eating habits 15

personal: vacation 13



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 4:51pm
I agree with you, Mags. And I have to say, a man that has things in the pawn shop that he values yet continues to spend money going to the clubs, buying others' meals, drinks, going to play golf, buying things on Ebay needs to SERIOUSLY re-evaluate his spending habits. It's fine to be generous, but when you seriously don't have the money to be generous with - it's nothing short of foolish.

Being able to say "with the exception of our mortgage and one car, we are debt free" is a HUGE blessing to me. HUGE. Bigger than I ever imagined. I live with a freedom and security that I've never experienced before, and I RELISH that for my boys. Knowing that there is insurance in place that will take care of everything in the event of disability or death of either or both TT and I is absolutely unbelievable. Putting the max amount into our 401Ks, saving on top of that, and paying all of our bills and STILL having money left over, enough to take trips alone, with the boys, go to nice dinners, take the boys to the zoo, etc., is financial freedom I have never experienced before. NOT living paycheck to paycheck is a HUGE blessing. I worried about money for YEARS. The entire time I was growing up (my parents shared WAY too much of their financial problems with me at a VERY young age), throughout my single life, all during my first marriage, and of course when I was a single mom, I spent many sleepless nights wondering how in the world things were going to work. I don't do that anymore.

And I credit ALL of this to financial counseling (our counselor recommended we follow Suze Orman's methods - we bought all of her books - and we do) and being married to a man that is VERY wise about money, and adopting the methods the counselor recommended to us.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 6:16pm
Thank you for saying all of that Min. THAT is where I want J and I to be. And on that note I think I'll get ahold of some of those books. I am in charge of budgeting and J always wants it to be better, but somehow we just don't get ahead. And we should be able to better.
Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 10:35am

Min, that's exactly the goals that Chris and I have.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 10:50am
Well Shane looked at my list of spending that we do each month for bills alone. He too was amazed at the amount left after bills. Of course, I feel weird about him knowing how financially free we are after bills because undoubtably, he will find something to use it for. This month was hard. He took that stuff out of pawn and it cost us 1200 dollars. We'd have it free if he hadn't needed to get it out right away. It was due to go up for sale if not. I do value that he felt the need to withdraw it because after all, it was is late father's pistol and Rolex. They are not able to be replaced. I did wear him out for pawning them to buy my ring. I know he's picky about jewelry, but he could have found something nice for cheaper. But he insisted on the best cut diamonds and platinum and nothing else would do. I love him for loving me so much that he'd do that, but the money just wasn't there. I know if I asked him if it was worth all this to give me that ring, he'd say it was. And we do have cash left over and I managed to fix some things so we could eat and pay all but his Ford payment. I'll do that on the first of September. I little late, but still paying. I feel horrible about getting on his case about money all the time, but if I'm the one that budgets, I have to do this with an iron fist. Our baby will be here in 8 months and we have to get our stuff straight before then. Of course we won't be going out as often, but diapers will take up that money. How can those things be so expensive??? Anyway, I'm gonna access my Quicken program and chart our spending to see where we are. I think it will help us out to see what percentage of our money goes to just plain ol' crap.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 10:58am

Good luck, Mel.

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