Caring for a broken heart?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Caring for a broken heart?
22
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 10:48am

I'm just looking for suggestions. If you missed it, read the end of my vacation post in the off topic folder. I think this is it, I have very little hope that it's not over. I wish it wasn't over but I can't do anything about it.

So, what to do with my broken heart? I know it takes time to heal. This is really a new experience for me. I have lived most of my adult life with my heart turned off. This relationship was the first time I intentionally opened up since I was a teenager (and back then I didn't feel strong and capable, which is why I turned my heart off and didn't put it at risk again after that).

What I feel I am doing now is that I am in the process of putting up some temporary walls around my heart to protect it in case he does call me, and so that I don't let anyone else in for a while (until I'm ready). I am sure there is no set timetable for this, but my head says I need 6 months before I can even think of taking those temporary walls down. Plus, I am not going to date anyone if there is a chance I could move back to Colorado, and it could be early next year before that could be decided for sure (see the other post for details on that too).

So here are the other things I am doing. If you have anythings you did that helped, please share them with me. Thank you.

- I have 4 new pairs of new jeans and some cute new summer tops. I had been planning to show them off to my bf, but I can at least enjoy looking good and using that as a crutch to maintain my self-esteem for now (my self-esteem is relatively in tact, just some minor damage).

- I trimmed my bangs. They look nice.

- I have plenty of things to do around the house to keep me busy, plus exercising and reading. I have plenty of time to just vege out if I need it.

- I have cried but I'm sick of crying so I find myself holding back. I know I need to let more out and I'm trying, but sometimes it's hard to start. It feels easier to hold back. Plus I want to cry at inconvenient times like right before I arrive at work, which isn't a good idea.

- I have therapy tonight. YAY! I find it easy to cry there and I am *certain* I need this visit (it will probably go by too fast).

- I have plenty of chocolate on hand.

- My friend is coming to visit on a kid-free weekend in two weeks. Girls night out (without drinking though).

Anything else? Any other suggestions? Is this what I'm supposed to be doing?

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 11:25am

"I've had my Mr-unavailable-but-perfect-for-me. It was terrible. Just heatbreaking. And I did NOT get over it well. I didn't allow myself to move on for way too long. I regret that. But there's no undoing it."

Becky, tell us that story.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 11:27am

"Today I'm just focusing on not crying at work :("

Oh dear - I have had days like that. It makes work so hard and the day goes by so slow!! I think you will be better when your friend comes. Keep us posted!!

It is almost lunchtime and it is Friday - that must be somehow encouraging!!

I like that you have a goal of moving to Colorado. That is such a beautiful place!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 11:45am

>>>I didn't realize by your post that it was an official break up call either.<<<

I don't think either of us knew it was going to be that. I felt it was over because he wasn't calling, so something was obviously not right. If he had said the right things last night I would have gone to see him instead of us breaking up. True to his nature, he was honest with me and when I asked him certain questions, I got the answers. I am not sure either one of us initiated the break up, it's like we just admited so many things to each other and the conclusion was obvious. We both knew I stayed in it on the chance he would not move, and we had discussed the idea of me moving but my ex would not agree to it, so the only option of being together was if he stayed. He said last night he will move there eventually, and even if he decides a few years down the road that he won't move, it's not like I was going to wait that long for him. We said so much to each other last night, I'm trying to keep from running through it in my mind but it's hard not to.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 8:37pm

Just reading your account of the events is painful. I'm so sorry for you.

Amy

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 9:01pm

Hi, I just wanted to add a hug and my sympathies. You give such great advice and support to many people on a number of boards, and I wish there was something magic I could suggest to get through this. But unfortunately, the only way out is through (and I always find myself repeating that when I'm going through a breakup).

It sounds like you're doing a lot of good things for yourself and that's great. And if you really think he'll be contacting you, I'd be pro-active and block him from doing so...you can be friends *later*, after you're over him, if that's what you want, but for now, having contact will just set you back (at least that's been my experience).

The other thing besides no contact I find very helpful is to focus on accepting the fact that the two of you aren't right for each other (and timing can be a HUGE part of that). If you were meant to be, it would have worked.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 2:05pm

You are right. He did come over last night. I hadn't seen him for a while (since before I had gone on my trip), and I thought it might be a bad idea, but seeing him one last time sounded appealing too so I went with my gut. He came over, we hung out, he stayed the night. This morning I asked him if anything had changed since we talked Thursday night (I said a lot about the choices he's making and how he's not addressing his feelings, stuffing them down, trying to not feel anything, etc., and what he's missing by doing that, and so many other things I said, I thought it was possible he took some of it to heart). He said no, he could not think of committment and future right now. I told him I can't turn my heart on and off, and it's impossible to keep it off when I'm with him. I told him I needed time to heal and that means being alone for a while. It wasn't so hard to say goodbye as I thought, even knowing it would be the last time. When we got off the phone on Thursday night, I cried so hard and just let it all out and after that I felt okay. I was sad on Friday (and still am) but I am not trying to resist that this is the right decision, I know it is the right decision and that I can't accept seeing him without committment to the future with me. Seeing him last night was nice, but it was definitely (for me) to say goodbye. I can't be friends with him ever, it would be too hard. And I finally feel strong enough that if he calls me in a few days or a week, I can say no, I have to take care of me now.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 2:10pm
Thank you.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 5:06pm

I think you got closure with the "one more night" and that makes it easier for you to have strength to do the right thing. I really admire the way you handled this - to look out for yourself and explain your needs and not to let him keep dangling you.

I don't think you did anything wrong at all - you have a good heart and were far more understanding and patient than anyone else would be.

I would not be surprised if he realizes what he has after you are gone and wants you back. Not that you should cling to that because you have made your decision and need to heal - maybe when he does this it would be too late - but he was really lucky to have you and cannot see it now because of all he has to deal with.

Happy Mother's Day and hugs to you. I hope you enjoy time with dd. I know that I am so glad I have ds that takes away a lot of life's troubles. If you were here I would make you a nice fruit salad and some tea!!

Hang in there - it sure seems like you are over the hump.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 5:12pm

Happy Mother's Day to you too :)

>>>I know that I am so glad I have ds that takes away a lot of life's troubles.<<<

So true!

>>>If you were here I would make you a nice fruit salad and some tea!!<<<

Thanks :)

>>>Hang in there - it sure seems like you are over the hump.<<<

I think so too. I still need time to let my heart heal, but I feel confident and strong, and that helps balance the sadness. There is also a little relief that 'being in limbo' whether there is a future with him, can now be put behind me.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 7:50pm

>>>There is also a little relief that 'being in limbo' whether there is a future with him, can now be put behind me.<<<

I can relate to that one and I think that is healthy for you.

What are your future goals now? Do you have stuff you want to do for you? I know you mentioned Colorado - are you still serious about that?

For what its worth, I am making a list of all the things I want to get done while I am waiting for the right one to come along - for some reason I am enjoying my freedom so much now - you know, it is kind of nice to do as I please without having to get someone to agree.

DS and I just ordered our pool today. I want to get the house really spiffied up and organized. I am running crazy with friends and signing up for races. And I am going to talk to my dentist about some cosmetic dentistry. Stuff like that...

I am enjoying my single life so much it is scary!! I feel like a runaway teen!!

I know you will have sad moments - we are always here for those - but I think for the most part you will have more and more better days. And who knows, when you least expect it, a great guy will sweep you off your feet and he won't have as much drama and he will adore you and your dd and beg you to be with him for the rest of your life!!

Have faith!! :-)