Caring for a broken heart?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Caring for a broken heart?
22
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 10:48am

I'm just looking for suggestions. If you missed it, read the end of my vacation post in the off topic folder. I think this is it, I have very little hope that it's not over. I wish it wasn't over but I can't do anything about it.

So, what to do with my broken heart? I know it takes time to heal. This is really a new experience for me. I have lived most of my adult life with my heart turned off. This relationship was the first time I intentionally opened up since I was a teenager (and back then I didn't feel strong and capable, which is why I turned my heart off and didn't put it at risk again after that).

What I feel I am doing now is that I am in the process of putting up some temporary walls around my heart to protect it in case he does call me, and so that I don't let anyone else in for a while (until I'm ready). I am sure there is no set timetable for this, but my head says I need 6 months before I can even think of taking those temporary walls down. Plus, I am not going to date anyone if there is a chance I could move back to Colorado, and it could be early next year before that could be decided for sure (see the other post for details on that too).

So here are the other things I am doing. If you have anythings you did that helped, please share them with me. Thank you.

- I have 4 new pairs of new jeans and some cute new summer tops. I had been planning to show them off to my bf, but I can at least enjoy looking good and using that as a crutch to maintain my self-esteem for now (my self-esteem is relatively in tact, just some minor damage).

- I trimmed my bangs. They look nice.

- I have plenty of things to do around the house to keep me busy, plus exercising and reading. I have plenty of time to just vege out if I need it.

- I have cried but I'm sick of crying so I find myself holding back. I know I need to let more out and I'm trying, but sometimes it's hard to start. It feels easier to hold back. Plus I want to cry at inconvenient times like right before I arrive at work, which isn't a good idea.

- I have therapy tonight. YAY! I find it easy to cry there and I am *certain* I need this visit (it will probably go by too fast).

- I have plenty of chocolate on hand.

- My friend is coming to visit on a kid-free weekend in two weeks. Girls night out (without drinking though).

Anything else? Any other suggestions? Is this what I'm supposed to be doing?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 8:28am

I am very serious about the Colorado thing (I would have stayed for my bf, but now that that is over...). The only thing I have to do to make it happen is convince my ex. I talked to my ex-SIL while I was on my trip (I always take dd to see her, she lives 5 minutes from my sister and we like each other). She is trying to get her mom to move back (her mom moved to Seattle a few years before her brother and I moved away, we moved away in 1994). In July my ex is taking dd to Seattle and his sister will be there with her three children too. My ex-SIL agreed to 'work on' my ex while he's there and get him to move back, and if my ex-MIL is thinking of moving back too, then she will really put the pressure on.

When I got back from my trip I brought the idea up to my ex and he said probably not, but we could keep discussing it. The only hold back is he really likes living here (I do too, but it just hit me dd needs to grow up around her family too). I asked him about his gf and he said she wouldn't be willing to move, and he likes her a lot, but he wouldn't put the relationship above dd's best interests if we agreed moving back was best for dd (which to me means the relationship isn't going very well).

If he agrees to move, the next biggest thing will be him finding a job. I looked and there aren't a lot available in his field. My ex-SIL seemed to think her ex-h could help him find a job. Ideally I'd like to live near my sister and ex-SIL, north of Denver. But if he finds a job in another part of the metro area that might dictate where we need to live (our agreement is we live close enough we can both get to dd's school in time after work to pick her up, but not so close we will run into each other at the grocery store). In any case, getting to Colorado is more important than which area we end up in, but I'm hoping to be near my sister. Me moving is easy. I can find a job without much trouble I am sure. The ideal timing would be next summer, so dd would be between kindergarden and first grade, but it might depend more on if/when ex can get a job. There would be a lot of coordination in us both moving at the same time, but not together (we get along, but I am not renting a truck with him and driving across country together, we'd do it separately).

So that is the story on Colorado. Other than that I don't have any big goals. I have plenty to do to fill my time (ex-bf did not fill up all my time, not by a long shot). I exercise as often as I can when dd is with her dad (sometimes I take classes, sometimes I just weight lift on my own), I read, I require lots of naps, I volunteer on the board of directors of a non-profit birth center where I almost had dd (labored there, then had a c-section at the hospital) and I go to church (might start going even when dd is with her dad). My closets really do need to be cleaned out, and that's a pretty good sized task. My only other challenging goal is to save as much money as possible so I can buy a house or townhouse next summer (whether I stay here or move to Colorado).

I think it is awesome you can buy a pool for ds's birthday. You are both going to enjoy that so much. And think of all the pool parties!




Edited 5/8/2005 8:32 am ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 10:30am

I think your story on Colorado is a good one. Your ex sounds amicable and that is a good thing. I am sure that your ex SIL will help you a lot. It is such a beautiful place and there is so much to do. I wish you luck.

>>>I have plenty to do to fill my time (ex-bf did not fill up all my time, not by a long shot).>>>

I think that is great - we all have to remember that - that you have to have a life. That is truly a saving grace for you!!

>>>>I exercise as often as I can when dd is with her dad (sometimes I take classes, sometimes I just weight lifts on my own), I read, I require lots of naps, I volunteer on the board of directors of a non-profit birth center where I almost had dd (labored there, then had a c-section at the hospital) and I go to church (might start going even when dd is with her dad). My closets really do need to be cleaned out, and that's a pretty good sized task. My only other challenging goal is to save as much money as possible so I can buy a house or townhouse next summer (whether I stay here or move to Colorado).<<<<

That is a wonderful set of activities!! I think the closets are the hardest to get started but once they are done it is so great!! Keep us posted. And next summer will come up quick for you getting a house or townhouse!! That will be wonderful for you guys!!

>>>I think it is awesome you can buy a pool for ds's birthday. You are both going to enjoy that so much. And think of all the pool parties!<<<

Thanks - it will be a fun experience for both of us. I found a lady who is a really great designer so I pretty much gave her a budget and then free reign. I like what she did for us. We won't have it finished until around Halloween - it is a long process of permitting and building and we will be going through a hurricane season to boot. But when it is done it will be worth it. I was thinking I should video or photograph it while in process.

I have been working all weekend so that has kept me busy!! I am grateful to have the work.

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