Child resent me dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2005
Child resent me dating
7
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 5:06pm

Hello,
Everyone here I go again with a question. I am a single mother with 3 children. There ages are 10,9 and 6. I have recently started dating someone(which is not something I do very often) Prior to me dating my middle daughter told me that she hopes I never get married because that will take attention away from her. Well, they did not know about my new friend for about 3 weeks. We would im each other and I stop talking to him until after they go to bed. And he only comes by after that. She heard me on the phone with him and had input. I address it with her and told her she was being disrespectful. I called him honey and she was like "honey who is that she is talking to...she does not even know him....she is calling honey to a stranger". How do I handle this situations?

He did briefly meet her because she is like now getting up at night to make sure no one is there with me. Wen she meet him she rolled her eyes. and yesterday she draw a picture of him and not a very nice one. She does not even know him. She annouced that she will go live with her daddy if I get married. (This is not an option he is not in her life like that) Has anyone experienced anything like this before and how did you handle it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 11:54pm

While it is none of her business, she does have concerns and you need to address them. She said herself that if you date someone you're going to give her less attention, so you need to unvalidate that assumption. Remind her that you will always have time for her children and that they come first, but that if you decide that you want to date someone, that is your choice and she is not to be rude. You're being very respectful that you keep things low key while they're around and that you see him when they're in bed, but you need to instill in ALL of them that what you do as THE ADULT is NOT up for discussion with them.

Make sure that you do give them a little extra attention, do a few more fun things with them to ease their minds. Eventually you can add him to the mix and have him there when you're doing the fun things, so that they equate him in the *does fun things* category.

While it is your job to give them security, you do have to live your life. Teach them now that some things are off limits for discussion and you will not tolerate negative comments about your choices in life. If you want to date, then you date. Make sure that they understand that you are MOM and they are the KIDS and you will make the decisions. You should listen to their concerns and validate their feelings, but bottom line: you're still the boss and you have final say.

So next time she rolls her eyes, you tell her that you do not appreciate her behaviour.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 8:16am

Hello and welcome,

I have not had to experience anything like that. But it sounds to me as though she feels insecure or scared. I think you need to have a talk with her about WHY she feels that way - find out what is in her head. Maybe she is not getting enough of your time and attention? Or maybe she just has a wild imagination? Or a friend who had a bad experience?

I agree with Alison that you have to reassure her but put her in her place for her rude and disrespectful behavior.

Good luck and keep us posted!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 9:57am

How long have you been dating this man? Do you ever go on dates when the kids aren't in your custody?

I think you need to scale back on the guy coming over after your kids are in bed, especially if your daughter is waking up to see if anyone is there. She feels nervous and insecure.

I think single moms fall into the booty trap. The guy only comes over after the kids are asleep and he doesn't take the mom on any real dates.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 11:42am

Hello,
We have been seeing each other about a month but meet about 3 months ago. And I work days and he works afternoons. So, he comes over after he gets off work. That why he visits at night. He is working six days a week now and I am in church most of the day Sunday. And he just does not tell me he is working, we talk on the phone on and off during his work shift.

As far as dates when the kids are not with me. No , they are always with me. Their father lives out of state and is not a part of their lives. The only time I am not with my children is during work and school hours.

We are going to the movies this Sunday after church if I can find a sitter. He has offered to come over on Sundays and visit but he know I do not want him meeting my children.

As far as it falling into the booty trap, I have been there and done that. I am trying to live a celibrate life and he knows this and does not have a problem with it. I really have my guard up due to past relationship and trust me I know the signs of a booty call. He came over the other day and did some work around my house and fixed some things on my computer. He just says only time wioth let me know that he is real.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 2:18pm

It sounds like you going about it in a smart way.

Since you aren't able to stop the night visits, then I would be direct with your daughter who is having the sleep issues. I would tell her when your guy is coming over. Tell her that so-and-so is coming over and that's no reason for her to get out of bed. If she gets out of bed, you have to do a bit of sleep training and march her right back to bed. Eventually, she will stop the night wakings.

Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 9:13pm

My friend has a great way of getting her kids to sleep really well. She takes them out for physical activity - such as swimming or skating. And then a really good dinner. And then showers and movies. They sleep really well - even for sleepovers when their friends are there.

Just a thought and your dd will enjoy the process and hopefully chill!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 12:30am

My sister and I had a big problem with out step-dad, before he was our step-dad.

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