Children and boyfriend........

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Children and boyfriend........
45
Wed, 01-02-2008 - 5:15pm

I seem to be finding myself in a catch 22. Nascar doesn't have any children of his own. He's always been on his own and in the last few months, I have introduced him to the girls

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Wed, 01-02-2008 - 6:01pm

This is working out to be a test.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Wed, 01-02-2008 - 6:37pm
I agree with Soonee.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 01-02-2008 - 6:41pm

You know what? I totally agree.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Wed, 01-02-2008 - 7:07pm

I have to agree with Soonee's comments here, too. I didn't really think of it that way, but I knew there was something "off" about what he was doing, and asking you to do. She just stated it clearly that put into words what I couldn't!


He can't "test drive" the kids and then if they aren't "perfect enough" for him, or something he can handle, then he decides he can't stick around. You just can't do that with children! As parents, we are all WELL aware that we can't pick or choose the kids' behavior and the best times for them. Although we might have some control in shaping them... there really is no way to have kids "canned" and in any neat package ALL the time. And it almost seems like he is wanting to see if he can "handle the kids" based on how they are acting, and not just simply KNOWING what he can handle within himself. If that even makes sense. (Maybe Soonee knows and can bail me out?!? lol)


And all of this, at the risk of the kids getting more attached to him as all of you guys continue to spend more time together. I'd say for sure- that once a week with everyone together at this point... is too often. Especially when HE doesn't know if he is committed to being a potential step-parent (or any parenting role) enough to know that he will have to simply HANDLE and live with ANY behavior the kids will have, good AND bad. There IS no picking and choosing!!! He either accepts it all, or he has to leave it all. Sorry. (although it might really be too soon for you guys to make decisions on this kind of thing still- because you haven't dated all that long anyway, right?)


If you like him, keep dating him- separately from your children. If you think he can't commit to being around even if the kids act up, then maybe he just isn't permanent partner material. Just know that dating him for now, is JUST for now in that case.


~shrimpy, who is still not integrating group dates even after 2 yrs of dating one man

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 01-02-2008 - 7:50pm

A couple of things that come to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Wed, 01-02-2008 - 8:08pm

I'm with the majority but have no room to talk because I did it twice too quickly and did live in twice but did end both within 1.5 yrs with a lot of trauma because i attracted guys who didnt want to let go and controlling too it turned out.

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 01-02-2008 - 8:16pm

I couldn't figure out what emoticon to use, except the eye rolling " I hate this predicament" . Of course there is no magic timeline and we get along super great. I think he's just worried about doing the right thing and feeling the right way and

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 01-02-2008 - 8:45pm

Then once again you and I wouldn't be a fit! LOL


I definitely ask men that I date about their children and their behaviour if I find something alarming. I also explain my child. Nina is ADHD and border obstructive conduct disorder. When you have a child that freaks out from one second to the next, I don't worry about what my partner thinks at the time, but we do take the time to discuss it afterwards. He asks the right questions. He doesn't make me feel like a bad parent or that I'm doing something wrong. When she has an outburst, he asks questions that are related to her behavior. Ways that I might have to control her outbursts, if a doctor has seen her, if she needs medications, if the teachers and the kids in schools have the same problems or if it's just related to me. Those sort of questions are inquisitive but important for him to know and something I would like to know myself if I were in his shoes. It's just embarrassing for me, because it does seem it's a parenting problem verses a noticable

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 01-02-2008 - 8:57pm

Thank you so much for the thoughts, but I definitely won't suggest parenting classes yet. LOL


I definitely don't want another parent or give him the idea that I want one.


I'm just going to tell him I need another 4-6 weeks to feel more comfortable and ready to discuss this again with him then. If he really understands, he'll back off and give me the personal space I need to get "my OWN head" around the idea of him and my children. It doesn't mean I won't let them see each other, but I won't officially plan on anything or make it a once the week thing now. All those other things happened on a whim, so I think it's better it continues that route for the moment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 01-02-2008 - 9:01pm

Hi Cat,

Sorry I am coming in so late here.

Soonee is wonderful with this as usual. I think you should listen to her. And Shrimps and all too.

Sometimes, what one doesn't know is imagined. And the imagination can create a much greater monster than what is really in front of you.

I was wondering if you could ask him to learn more about ADHD and how to handle it so he understands her outbursts? That those are not a big deal and you are all going in the right direction? And what his part is in this. Maybe he can go to counseling with you to understand? I think he should have to learn about ADHD BEFORE he interacts with her more so it does not put undue pressure on your household and things are able to go at her pace.

Do you think she is more prone to them when he is there? Kids are never at their best behavior when there is someone new around who takes up mom's time. Maybe it is best if you are all out? I wonder if you can also talk to her to find out what is upsetting her with regards to this? Is she able to talk about why she is upset when he is there?

But in the end he does have to decide what he can handle and not handle and if he cannot handle this it is best to know now. Do not feel bad for not wanting to take on Down's Syndrome - dear heavens with all of the stuff on your plate that would not exactly make a pretty picture.

I hope this helps. Keep us posted!!

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