Children and boyfriend........

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Children and boyfriend........
45
Wed, 01-02-2008 - 5:15pm

I seem to be finding myself in a catch 22. Nascar doesn't have any children of his own. He's always been on his own and in the last few months, I have introduced him to the girls

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Registered: 09-11-2007
Wed, 01-02-2008 - 10:48pm

Hey you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Wed, 01-02-2008 - 10:56pm

"So, now Nascar wants me to integrate the children more to see if he can handle the situation and as he puts it "get his head around it". Nascar said, he realizes I am a package deal and he needs to start seeing all of the package and not just the pretty side of me. "


Any time I've heard a variation of this uttered, the guy walked. Why?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 12:20am
This is always a tough question and we each have to weigh the situation considering the particulars of our own kids. But I have to agree that after only 3 months with Nascar, it is too soon for involving him with your girls any more than what you have been doing. I'm with Shrimpy on this subject, been with M over a year and we have no intention of involving our kids more than the occasional big group get-togethers that we have been doing. You have to be very confident that the two of you are going to be a match for the long haul before the kids can be involved. You just can't know that within three months IMO. He'll have to work out his fears on his own, if you are the woman he wants, the package deal of you and your daughters, regardless of the younger child's behavior issues, will be OK.
QueenBun
Avatar for mhash
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 2:33am

Oh Yes I agree ... something *alarming* would be useful to have explained to me. The ADHD and border obstructive conduct disorder was not obvious from your first posting/description of your daughter.

Plus asking the "right" questions does put Nascar's questions in perspective. So now that you have elaborated on Nascar and his 1000 questions, it does make sense.

I admire that you are trying to see his perspective in all of this. I think that is great! The fact he is willing to have such open communication is a huge plus in my book as well.

Thanks for the further explanation. I don't think we are as far off from each other as you might think myprecioustwo :-P.

Mark
---





May your soul be at rest.


May your heart remain open.


May you realize your own true nature.


May you be healed.


May you be a source of healing for the world. - a zen prayer






iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 7:52am

I love you ladies here!

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2007
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 8:58am

I just wanted to put my 2 cents in even though you don't know me from Eve.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 9:03am

"Maybe what you could do is give him a "virtual" dose of knowing the girls. Maybe whenever you talk you could fill him in on the happenings of the day, good and bad, and at least he'd get some sort of an idea what it would be like to "parent" your children. At the same time you would be giving him an idea of your parenting style and could see whether you both are on the same page with that or whether he could get on your page. KWIM? "

This is wonderful, Angie!! So glad you stepped in with your story and I bet Cat will be too since you both have to work with a child who has special needs.

What a great bunch of moms we have here (and you as a dad, too, of course, Mark!)

Okay, Cat, we are rooting for you - we want to see YOU happy and we know you need and deserve someone who loves and accepts ALL of you! :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 9:17am

Hi Cat!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 1:45pm
Hi. I have been a very infrequent poster here but this thread struck a chord with me so I thought I would respond. I have been a single mom since my son was 1 and he is nine now. I have had several relationships since the divorce and it is interesting to see the difference between men who have kids themselves, those who dont have any, and those who dont have any and also dont want to have any inthe future but say they would accept yours. So to me there has been a vivid difference between the men who say ok to my kid but dont want any of their own and the men who didnt have kids but do want them sometime in the future and of course would accept my kid. Basically, to me, the guy who would be willing to have more kids has to have already accepted in his head all of the possibilities of this decision - they could have a child with developmental problems or disabilities, etc let alone all of the normal challenges of raising a child that is yours. To me, these men are more accepting of behavioral issues with my kid as they pop up because they basically know they will be facing this themselves in all probability and this is simply part of being a good parent. In some sense, when my bf started spending time with us I think he knew I might possibly make a great mother for his/our future kids as well and this made me feel great about us and our possibilities together since everyone has a different parenting style. But someone who hasnt committed yet to whether or not they will have kids or knows they dont want any of their own is comparing what it is like with your kids versus him not having any to deal with. These two worlds are so different. I have no problem with some of my friends who have decided they want to grow old and happy without having kids but they do have a harder time with the clutter in my house when they visit or the toys everywhere and the occasional 9 year old boy breakdown of communication or disciplining.
Does he want kids of his own one day? If he does, he should be able to accept yours as they are without trying them out for size first in my opinion and it should be on your timetable because you know them best. There are still times here where I have to be the one to call the shots in a disciplinary decision just because I know my son and his limits more than he does. The bf was the one to suggest this even though we both do our share of parenting here now. The thing is that even the child you have who seems laid back could be a firecracker at some point in her life and the one who is currently a firecracker could settle back. He could think things are great as they are with the kids in their current developmental stages but this isnt a valid test for him since there will be many more stages as they get older and the dynamic will be everchanging. He either can handle kids or he cant. The pacing IMO should be all yours and it should be based on your kids comfort level and attachment to him.
Good luck! I do think it is great that he wants to know this side of you and your kids. I had a similar request from my bf in the first three months and it has worked out beautifully now!
Lilypie - Personal picture
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 2:24pm

Ok, now I'm getting PISSED OFF! Citylife 74 made a perfect comment here:


Basically, to me, the guy who would be willing to have more kids has to have already accepted in his head all of the possibilities of this decision - they could have a child with developmental problems or disabilities, etc let alone all of the normal challenges of raising a child that is yours. To me, these men are more accepting of behavioral issues with my kid as they pop up because they basically know they will be facing this themselves in all probability and this is simply part of being a good parent. In some sense, when my bf started spending time with us I think he knew I might possibly make a great mother for his/our future kids as well and this made me feel great about us and our possibilities together since everyone has a different parenting style. But someone who hasnt committed yet to whether or not they will have kids or knows they dont want any of their own is comparing what it is like with your kids versus him not having any to deal with. These two worlds are so different. I have no problem with some of my friends who have decided they want to grow old and happy without having kids but they do have a harder time with the clutter in my house when they visit or the toys everywhere and the occasional 9 year old boy breakdown of communication or disciplining.


I never withheld anything from Nascar when we first started getting to know each other. He knew about how different my kids were. That they both have ADD & ADHD, but also