Children and boyfriend........
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Children and boyfriend........
| Wed, 01-02-2008 - 5:15pm |
I seem to be finding myself in a catch 22. Nascar doesn't have any children of his own. He's always been on his own and in the last few months, I have introduced him to the girls

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Awww Cat - what you write about you and your kids is so heartfelt - I was really struck by how you understand that your little one is fighting her own battle and doing her best and is not to be judged. You are a gem for all of this and if he can't see it then you know - NEXT!
But maybe if he has time to think about all of this then he will see it - I hope you can send him a copy of what you just wrote to us - what it is like to be in your shoes and how you do put your kids first.
Hang in there!! Keep us posted, okay?
Awesome, insighful,
mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16
wow I second Judy and agree it may be good to send him the post u gave us.
awesome post considering the stress you are going thru right now.
mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16
Hey myprecioustwo,
First HUGGGGS.
My house is constantly in the same state yours is I bet. My bf moved in last year and we have been on a neverending project of minimizing every room in the house to find space. It is taking a long time. Turns out he has a much different threshold for clutter or dirt than I do. I m still not sure where his threshold is on the map actually because we havent hit it yet. I always get there first and take over. We just talked about this over the weekend so wish me luck in him helping more:) Mess and clutter comes with kids. If your bf wants a clean space he will need to gift you with a twice a week maid service and help you reorganize your household eventually to be in coordination with the cleaning service. My father's house is impeccable but then again he pays 150 a week to achieve this and is as anal as anyone has ever been...ever. He bakes a caserole once a week for the cleaning lady to take with her. My father is gay - can you tell? Otherwise, for the rest of us who cant afford such thing ( hello!) he will need to chip in. Like you said, tell him to stop talking about it and whip into action. You can even tell him that you will not feel as if your space is invaded if he just hops to it. Some people dont want to step on your toes or something. HA. I personally would be pleased if someone burgled my house and cleaned it for me. I wouldnt mind missing a few things and would feel bliss for the few hours the house was tidy:) but then I dont have anything really that great for them to take either. I guess my point is to not feel bad about the clutter or mess - it goes with the territory and I am sure anyone with kids would support this fact. I have a rule that anyone who comes to my house and points out anything that is wrong without following up by asking to help fix it isnt invited back....harsh, maybe but I am not hurting for loved ones around here!
Good luck and try and be good to yourself even when you are angry. Take some time for you if at all possible while the rest of this stuff with him sorts itself out. Sometimes taking some time for you even if it is just a long bath can do wonders to remind you of how amazing a catch you are for someone out there.
Sweetie, dont make it harder than it is. Give it time. Let it lie for a while.
He may be scared- of what? Everything. You guys are 3 months in & getting serious. He may just be being a "man" (sorry Mark!) & freaking. But he may very well work thru it.
I so agree that single motherhood is CHAOS. I never realized that until I dated MA - that must be how it was for you with Carlos? Because these old stodgy bachelors who have never lived life for anyone but themselves have their lives under control. They wake up and go on their own schedule. There is no little one to cajole out of bed or mad shuffle to get ready for school and have all that in order. No mess from anyone but themselves. No one else's dishes. They work any time they want for as long as they want with no interruption. Go home or not go home - they have a lot of single friends and can do as they please any night of the week. There is never any mess or chaos or screaming over homework or clutter or smudged dirt or really big piles of laundry day after day.
Their house is peacefully quiet and their life is easy. I did realize that when I was with MA. He could argue that he babysat his nieces and nephews for one weekend but everything was done for him and he had his parents helping him and he could go home on Sunday. He will never know what it is really like.
Whereas I am in constant motion with a heavy load. I am the only one on deck for work, bills, food, chores, errands, homework, doctor's and hair and dentist appointments and extracurricular activities. And dear heavens we have dogs in the picture, too!!
Not that all guys without kids would cringe with kids. Some single guys without kids LOVE the family thing and appreciate that they didn't have to do the work and do better than guys with kids and have a positive attitude about the opportunity. I know that MA would rather have all the clutter and laughter and chaos and family. That was never once the issue with us - he would have been good with DS if given the chance, other than for the gun thing. I have had one more BF that was never married with kids and he was great with my DS and the idea of it.
But as we have seen here and with your Carlos story many are not okay with it. I can't believe you had to do dinner at 10PM. I would be having a meltdown with Avery at 11:30, too. That is ridiculous.
As always this board kicks! I have read all the posts and don't have anything to add other than to let you know that it will work out one way or another. I'm sure whatever you decide it will be right for you and your girls.
<<>>>>>
I took care of the kids before I left the marriage. They were 8 and 11 at the time. They were easy kids to take care of. I was the one who got up in the middle of the night, fed them and changed their diapers.
Now if they are with me for any extended period of time I find myself being a little irritated or overwhelmed. It is not that I have to do anything anymore to take care of them (they are now 14 and 18). It is just that they just bounce off each other so much, teasing and trash talking each other that I find it too much. I just LOVE that they get along so well and have so much fun but being an introvert and only seeing them once a week for half weekends (at most nowadays), I go into overload.
Mark
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May your soul be at rest.
May your heart remain open.
May you realize your own true nature.
May you be healed.
May you be a source of healing for the world. - a zen prayer
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