Children and boyfriend........

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Children and boyfriend........
45
Wed, 01-02-2008 - 5:15pm

I seem to be finding myself in a catch 22. Nascar doesn't have any children of his own. He's always been on his own and in the last few months, I have introduced him to the girls

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 2:53pm

Awww Cat - what you write about you and your kids is so heartfelt - I was really struck by how you understand that your little one is fighting her own battle and doing her best and is not to be judged. You are a gem for all of this and if he can't see it then you know - NEXT!

But maybe if he has time to think about all of this then he will see it - I hope you can send him a copy of what you just wrote to us - what it is like to be in your shoes and how you do put your kids first.

Hang in there!! Keep us posted, okay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 3:01pm

Awesome, insighful,

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 3:12pm

wow I second Judy and agree it may be good to send him the post u gave us.


awesome post considering the stress you are going thru right now.

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 3:13pm

Hey myprecioustwo,


First HUGGGGS.

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Registered: 11-22-2006
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 4:54pm
You wrote such a great post there and I am sure it even helped you getting it all typed out! I am glad my post made sense to you and yet I dont want to fuel your anger. He may be doing the best he can and although that might still be not enough in the end, you do need to consider his journey in all of this and maybe encourage him to be more articulate about his own insecurities in all of this. He says he isnt sure about how he will handle all of the stuff around the kids and needs to experience it but maybe he feels scared that he wont be able to live up to the kind of role model you need for them. My guy confessed that to me late one night when I asked him to just open up. He was asking for more time with my son and more time all of us together and it felt like he was trying us out for size but in some ways I think he was testing himself too. I had to talk to him about it honestly. When a child is yours and was rocked by you when they were a baby, you can forgive anything and the amount of empathy you can dig and find cant be measured. My kid has been through a lot as many of our kids have. I had to ask my bf how flexible he was and how resilient he could be in a home where there is a child who is testing and acting out right after he is sweet and amazing. Could he be capable of rolling with the punches and still serve as an example on even his worst work day? Not get too angry or ever take anything too personally. Get lied to straight in the face by a boy who you have dedicated your heart to and come out centered and calm and not hold it against him because of everything he has been through. I'm rambling but the fact is to do this and be this for someone else's child takes a lot and any man/woman who can and will do this is a gem. And we all make mistakes and sometimes the hardest part is to recover from that quickly and just get back to doing right by them. When I lose my temper with my kid I know I have to get over myself, go in and apologize to him and sit with him and tell him I am not perfect but love him more than anything. A person who doesnt have kids can lose their temper in any relationship and not do the right thing afterwards, leave it alone, move on without closure. One thing I loved about my bf was that he did right by me immediately if we argued, always compromised when it was needed, always said he loved me even when he was angry, was strong enough to apologize even when he wasnt sure what had gone wrong. It made me believe that he was strong enough to be there for my kid. My kid's father IS a child so I dont need to add another one to the bunch to take care of! So many of my exes would leave me hanging, not except any part in a problem, never show weakness of any sort - they would have been a disaster with my kid. I got lucky and hopefully he thinks he did too but my point is there was a lot of talking in the beginning of us all interacting together. I couldnt hide my kid's emotional stuff. Sure he has amazing characteristics but he also has some not so great things which I think stem from the back and forth he has to go through being a kid of divorce. It is part of him and all we can do is support him calmly and love him constantly. I wasnt about to try and present a perfect image because I knew we couldnt live up to that! And I think we are a pretty dynamic duo in all of our oddities so accepting that is important.
My house is constantly in the same state yours is I bet. My bf moved in last year and we have been on a neverending project of minimizing every room in the house to find space. It is taking a long time. Turns out he has a much different threshold for clutter or dirt than I do. I m still not sure where his threshold is on the map actually because we havent hit it yet. I always get there first and take over. We just talked about this over the weekend so wish me luck in him helping more:) Mess and clutter comes with kids. If your bf wants a clean space he will need to gift you with a twice a week maid service and help you reorganize your household eventually to be in coordination with the cleaning service. My father's house is impeccable but then again he pays 150 a week to achieve this and is as anal as anyone has ever been...ever. He bakes a caserole once a week for the cleaning lady to take with her. My father is gay - can you tell? Otherwise, for the rest of us who cant afford such thing ( hello!) he will need to chip in. Like you said, tell him to stop talking about it and whip into action. You can even tell him that you will not feel as if your space is invaded if he just hops to it. Some people dont want to step on your toes or something. HA. I personally would be pleased if someone burgled my house and cleaned it for me. I wouldnt mind missing a few things and would feel bliss for the few hours the house was tidy:) but then I dont have anything really that great for them to take either. I guess my point is to not feel bad about the clutter or mess - it goes with the territory and I am sure anyone with kids would support this fact. I have a rule that anyone who comes to my house and points out anything that is wrong without following up by asking to help fix it isnt invited back....harsh, maybe but I am not hurting for loved ones around here!
Good luck and try and be good to yourself even when you are angry. Take some time for you if at all possible while the rest of this stuff with him sorts itself out. Sometimes taking some time for you even if it is just a long bath can do wonders to remind you of how amazing a catch you are for someone out there.
Lilypie - Personal picture
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Registered: 08-23-2006
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 8:52pm
What a wonderful post about your kids and how you feel.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 9:51pm

Sweetie, dont make it harder than it is. Give it time. Let it lie for a while.


He may be scared- of what? Everything. You guys are 3 months in & getting serious. He may just be being a "man" (sorry Mark!) & freaking. But he may very well work thru it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 10:07pm

I so agree that single motherhood is CHAOS. I never realized that until I dated MA - that must be how it was for you with Carlos? Because these old stodgy bachelors who have never lived life for anyone but themselves have their lives under control. They wake up and go on their own schedule. There is no little one to cajole out of bed or mad shuffle to get ready for school and have all that in order. No mess from anyone but themselves. No one else's dishes. They work any time they want for as long as they want with no interruption. Go home or not go home - they have a lot of single friends and can do as they please any night of the week. There is never any mess or chaos or screaming over homework or clutter or smudged dirt or really big piles of laundry day after day.

Their house is peacefully quiet and their life is easy. I did realize that when I was with MA. He could argue that he babysat his nieces and nephews for one weekend but everything was done for him and he had his parents helping him and he could go home on Sunday. He will never know what it is really like.

Whereas I am in constant motion with a heavy load. I am the only one on deck for work, bills, food, chores, errands, homework, doctor's and hair and dentist appointments and extracurricular activities. And dear heavens we have dogs in the picture, too!!

Not that all guys without kids would cringe with kids. Some single guys without kids LOVE the family thing and appreciate that they didn't have to do the work and do better than guys with kids and have a positive attitude about the opportunity. I know that MA would rather have all the clutter and laughter and chaos and family. That was never once the issue with us - he would have been good with DS if given the chance, other than for the gun thing. I have had one more BF that was never married with kids and he was great with my DS and the idea of it.

But as we have seen here and with your Carlos story many are not okay with it. I can't believe you had to do dinner at 10PM. I would be having a meltdown with Avery at 11:30, too. That is ridiculous.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 11:13pm

As always this board kicks! I have read all the posts and don't have anything to add other than to let you know that it will work out one way or another. I'm sure whatever you decide it will be right for you and your girls.

<<>>>>>

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 01-04-2008 - 1:03am

I took care of the kids before I left the marriage. They were 8 and 11 at the time. They were easy kids to take care of. I was the one who got up in the middle of the night, fed them and changed their diapers.

Now if they are with me for any extended period of time I find myself being a little irritated or overwhelmed. It is not that I have to do anything anymore to take care of them (they are now 14 and 18). It is just that they just bounce off each other so much, teasing and trash talking each other that I find it too much. I just LOVE that they get along so well and have so much fun but being an introvert and only seeing them once a week for half weekends (at most nowadays), I go into overload.

Mark
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