Child's Father

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2004
Child's Father
13
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 3:12pm

I don't even know if this is the right place to ask this question, but I didn't know where else to ask it. It is going to be a long post, but any input or advice would be greatly appreciated. Let me start at the begining. My son Wesley and his father Brant and I were engaged in 2002 to be married that October, but in August I found out that I was pregnant and wanted to postpone the wedding until after I had Wesley so that I wouldn't be pregnant when I walked down the isle. After we had Wesley I keep making excuses for putting off the wedding even longer until November of 2003 when I finally ended the relationship because I was not 100% sure that it would work forever and if it wasn't going to work forever I didn't want our son to know anything of us being together and then getting a divorce. I thought that it was better for us to just never be togehter as far as he could remember any way. Well since the break-up we have always told each other that we love each other. I have myself tried to have other relationship and they have not worked and so has he up until this year. When Brant got married in March. He now has a baby on the way with is wife, Anna. I myself resently meet a guy and become in engaged two weeks later. Having become engaged I have realized several things including the fact that I am still in love with Brant and that I made a huge mistake in leaving him. He also has voiced these same feelings to me about his own situation with Anna that he loves her, but he feels like she pressured him into marrying her and that he would rather be with me. What should I do? Do we try to make things work the way they are or should we try to be together?

PLEASE HELP ANY ADVICE WOULD BE HELPFUL!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 3:27pm
That is a very hard situation. I would say that you should talk to a counselor and maybe he could do the same before you decide to cause all the upheaval required to be together. You don't want to have him break up his marriage only to find out it's a mistake, but even if you are sure there are no guarantees. Since he's the one that's married, this needs to mostly be his decision whether to divorce for you or not. Either way it's not going to be easy to accept or deal with the fallout, and that is why having a counselor to help guide you through this process would be very valuable.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2004
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 3:34pm
Well a counselor might would be an option if we lived in a different area, but we would have to travel about an hour to get to one. In his situation where is he supposed to tell his wife he is going while he is there. I don't know that it wouldn't make Anna happy for him to leave though because she just this past weekend packed her bags to leave him on Sunday, but she came back saying that she just couldn't leave her child's father on Mother's Day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 3:40pm
If they are clearly having problems and talking about splitting up, then he could tell her he's seeing a counselor to sort out his own feelings (this would be a truth). Or he could suggest they go to counseling togehter. If they come to the conclusion in counseling that divorce is the right decision for them, then you and he will both know that their marriage would have ended regardless of whether the two of you wanted to be together or not.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 5:56pm

Only time will tell you. Brant needs to sort out his marriage on his own - and you need to be patient for the outcome of this. I think that if Anna finds out about you then she will dig her heels in very deep to keep him.

Then you will have to accept his answer - either get over him or get back with him. I don't think you should marry a guy you have only known for 2 weeks and especially with this drama going on.

Slow down and let time sort this out. Take the time now to get strong on your own and enjoy your child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2004
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 10:02am
Well I told Brant that he had more to decide than me and that we had to be careful if we decide that us being together is what we want to go forward with then. He needs to know that this is what he wants. I know this is what I want and it isn't something that I can just get over. I have tried that and it doesn't work so well. As far as my fiancee' goes the wedding isn't scheduled until November 4, 2006. I just don't know if it is fair to him to be with him when I am still in love with Brant.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2004
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 11:06am

Someone please help me and give me some more advice here.

Thank you in advance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 11:23am

I think the counselor would be for you, not for both of you, since you're not a couple right now. It would be good for you to figure out why you've made the decisions that have led you to the situation you're in now. That would help you see what you need to do for your future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 11:26am

Right now I don't think it's fair for you to be with Brant or your fiance, because you need to learn more about yourself and how you got into this predicament.

I would advise you to stop thinking about either of these men like they are your purpose or goal in life, and start thinking about what you want to do with your future and what you need to do for your son.

What kind of job do you have? Are you in school? I'd like to know more about you as a person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 11:28am

I think this post is good advice.

I also think that being so involved with someone who is married is not fair to his wife. You should not be in this picture. It would be easier for everyone involved if you were to give them some distance to work their problems out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2004
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 1:37pm

Okay for starters I can't give him space he is my son's father and we have to see each other on a regular basis.

As far as I go I know where I am in life and where I am going just maybe not in my love life. I am in school full time working on my accounting degree and also taking an online course to get my appraisal license. I work at office I have been with for five years now. I am the assistant office manager. I live on my own and have been for the past four years.

What brought me to the situation I am in now is the fact that no matter who Brant or I have been with since we split up we have not been completely happy. So I figure if we are not happy without each other maybe we should try to be with each other even though we know that it isn't going to be easy to do so. We just feel that it is worth trying for our happiness and our son's happiness. As far as the me having a fiancee' issue I think that it just shocked me when he asked after only two weeks and I didn't know what to say so I said yes to give myself time to think about it without losing him.

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