Christmas Vent
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 12-21-2004 - 3:06pm |
I feel like the most selfish person on earth right now. And I don't blame anyone for coming back and slapping me in the face for thinking the way I do. Here's the deal...
As you all know, Shane lost his job a week ago and he immediately started a new one. It's going to be fine as long as he gets a check on the 1st. Otherwise, we're toast. The security deposit for our rental house is at the mercy of the owner and when she thinks we need to get it. I spoke to the property manager and she has no control.
We just bought a gorgeous new home, I'm pregnant with a healthy baby girl, it's our first Christmas as a married couple and new family, and I have the most beautiful little boy that adores me and the man I chose to spend my life with. What more could I ask for? Right? So why am I so depressed?
The bonus check Shane got a few weeks ago bought Dylan's Christmas gifts and paid some bills we were behind on. We were both under the impression the advance he took on the 1st was against the bonus check, but we were wrong. We shopped for Dylan, we bought a nice gift for Shane's mom, and I looked for a gift for my folks, but wasn't sure what I wanted to buy yet, so I decided I'd wait on that plus the gifts for Shane and I to exchange until the 15th after he got another check and we got moved. That way, less stuff to move and less chance anyone would run across their gift. Unfortunately, the check he got on the 15th after being fired was just a few hundred dollars because the advance was taken against this check. We've put things off, changed due dates where we could, and it's been a nightmare.
I'm sad because we managed to get Shane's mom a really nice gift and my parents who haven't been able to exchange gifts to each other in years are going to be empty handed. It's not fair. I am thankful as well that we will see Dylan's eyes light up Christmas morning when he sees his gifts under the tree. And he's so sweet because if I couldn't give him a thing, he'd hug me and say, "It's okay mommy." He never asks for anything. He's such a good boy. So sensitive to me and loves me so much.
Okay and YEAH, I'm bummed about Shane's and my gifts. It's not the be all and end all of the day, but I planned on giving him that nice cookware and knives and I know he'd love it. And he planned a special something for me that he tried once to order and got a refund because it couldn't be ordered thru that person. He was very upset. I asked him what it was since he couldn't get it and he said he wouldn't tell me because he wasn't giving up on it yet. It must be special and I know he's upset that this happened and he can't do it now.
Sure, after we get back on our feet we can do a special Christmas just the tow of us when Dylan is gone to his father's. I plan to still give him his gift and for us to go to a nice dinner where he needs to wear a tie and I'll dress up and we'll come back and exchange gifts as we would have Christmas morning. Is it the same? No, but I plan to make it special anyway. He has no idea yet. But I am going to suggest it. Neither of us deserves to go empty handed. We've been thru too much and deserve to give each other the things we have put a lot of thought into over the past months.
I know that there are so many people outh there that have nothing and I'm so thankful I'm not one of them. I know everything happens for a reason. We closed late on our home so we would be relieved of a month of mortgage (we pay in Feb for the first time) because Shane was going to lose his job. It was all part of a plan and we'll be back on track because we are supposed to go thru this test to see how strong we are. And we'll make it. But until then, this will be probably the worst Christmas ever. I can't get into it. Shane even tried to help by putting on some Christmas music he likes and I cried. He feels helpless, but he knows I don't blame him for any of it. What has happened here is not his fault and I hope that his ex boss, the richest man in East Texas is proud of himself. But why wouldn't he be? He has everything. And now I know how he got it. By backstabbing others to get it.
Sorry if I brought anyone down. Just had to say my peace.
Mel

Pages
Thanks, Becky.
I remember a Zen saying I once read, "A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent upon arriving." He knows that the joy of the trip is to enjoy the journey.
I think we all have to reflect on that and not have expectations but to learn to see the joys that unfold in our lives, even when those joys are not what we planned or not what we thought something should be. I really believe that there is no such thing as an accident and everything happens for a reason.
This was always my favorite reading from dailyzen.com:
The wise ones of old had subtle wisdom
And depth of understanding,
So profound that they could not be understood.
Because they could not be understood,
I can only describe how they appeared in the world:
Cautious, like crossing a wintry stream,
Watchful, like one facing danger on every side,
Ceremonious, as one who pays a visit;
Yielding, like ice beginning to melt,
Genuine, like a piece of uncarved wood,
Open-minded, like a valley,
And mixing freely, like murky water.
Which of you can assume such murkiness,
To become in the end still and clear:
Which of you can make yourself still,
To become in the end full of life?
Those who possess this Tao do not try to
Fill themselves to the brim,
And because they do not try to
Fill themselves to the brim
They are like a garment that endures
All wear and need never be renewed.
Edited 12/21/2004 5:18 pm ET ET by west1745
You know what, Mel? Nothing in life ever, ever, ever happens the way you plan. Ever.
If it did - I seriously doubt ANY of us would have met on a "Single Mothers and Dating" board.
It's one thing to say "I'm ticked over Shane losing his job, the timing freaking SUCKS, insurance is going to be a struggle and a pain" and to be as mad as hell, and another all together to say "this is going to be the worst Christmas ever!" Especially when it's over financial crap and presents for parents and others when you have so many things that are absolutely wonderful that no amount of money can ever, ever, ever buy. And your anger at the boss who did this - yeah - it's absolutely, positively no skin off his teeth. The one it's eating is YOU.
And yeah, your post just absolutely burns my butt. I know you don't mean it to, but it does. You know what, Mel? I'd trade you all of your financial worries for my niece, what my sister is going through, what my family is going through, in a heart beat. A nano-second.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
Mel,
Sorry you're feeling so down.
I think you need to nip the anger in the butt by getting it out. Write a letter to Shane's former boss, detail everything you want to say to him in it, but don't send it. It's better sometimes to just "get it out" to get over it.
I'm sure that in a few weeks it won't be an issue anymore and you'll be able to just relax and enjoy your new home and new puppy, and new baby soon enough.
I know sometimes we just REALLY need to vent of how much things SUCK!!! And I'm definetly for it, since it helps to get it out than to keep it in.
(((((HUGS))))) to you and hope you can't start to feel better soon.
Alison
min,
sorry to hear what your family is going through.
(((((HUGS)))))
I can understand how frustrated you are reading these posts when your family is going through such emotional times. I can only send my thoughts to you, I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling.
I wish you the best this holiday season.
Alison
It's fine if it makes you mad and the things you mentioned about his getting fired, the insurance, the timing, those are thing things that really tick me off. The gifts for family is just an extra because I feel bad that we got something for his mom before all this happened and couldn't get anything for my parents too. That night we shopped for his mother, I just didn't see a thing that screamed out my parent's names. You know? And now I regret not going and head and getting SOMETHING. Not that they will feel slighted. They don't expect it and wouldn't ever feel like they were left out. But we don't plan to say a thing about the gift to his mother and hope she doesn't mention it to them in an email because they do communicate. I'd just hate it to come out and have them feel like we just thought of her and not them. That's what I'm trying to avoid. Too late to take it back, Shane already gave it to her.
My biggest upset is the timing and how it is affecting us with getting important things accomplished like bills and how insurance will work out. Yeah, I'm mad as Hell over his boss being such an ass when it was confirmed by the CEO that Shane did nothing to deserve it. And I know I can't do a thing about him being that way and I choose not to sit and stew. Like you said, he doesn't care and that's precisely why he had Shane fired. Because he doesn't care. And I'm upset because it put Shane in a frame of mind that he just failed us and I can't take having my husband feeling so low when it wasn't his fault. That's what makes this a bad Christmas. Knowing he feels bad. Knowing he is not feeling like he is taking care of us and there is nothing I can say or do to convince him otherwise. Presents are one thing and I can do without. I don't care about that so much, but I want Shane to understand that he has done so much for us already and that he has never failed us in any way. Maybe then it can be a good Christmas. Oh and if we could get our relatives to stop calling and dwelling on it so we can think of something else. That might help too.
Mel
<a href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wtCMCc4/">
<img border="0" src="http://tickers.Ticker
Mel - Sunshinemin is saying that your post is upsetting to her (my interpretation) and all your doing in response is repeatedly justifying your anger and why you feel it is such a bad Christmas for you. We all understand what you are dealing with, but in comparison to her niece's problems, yours do seem very small and very temporary. It's not fine if your post makes her mad, it's just not. You didn't mean to minimize her pain when you initially posted, but you can't keep complaining to her about your problems, and when you do it sounds as if you are just ignoring what we are all saying to you. You need to accept your problems have a solution, and in part have already been solved, and acknowledge that compared to a lot of others, you are very lucky.
Shane will get over it, he's a grown man and if you want to convince him he hasn't let you down, talk to him about it. It's your choice to keep being angry, and it's his choice to focus on the disappointment versus the success of two job offers.
Hugs Mindy gurl (((hugs)))
Yep, things never go JUST right, they never go on your schedule, and life never "settles down"...I used to say "when things settle down a little" I'd start something, but I finally realized, they never DO!
I'm still praying for Ash.
The holidays seem to make us think that things are supposed to be perfect...they just show the flaws more glaringly.
I just broke off my year and a half hopeful relationship, I am not quite paying my bills every month, there is no WAY in hell I can buy a house, my son's car is broken down, I'm struggling like heck to pay for the graduate studies I want so badly. But my life is darn good. I'm healthy, I like me, and there's always hope for good things.
Hang in there Min...
You're having a pity party, I think you KNOW you're having a pity party. You said you feel like the most selfish person in the world, so you know it.
IF this isn't a big deal and you're just whining, you need to just get over it. :) Cheer up!
I have a challenge for you. To not let your feelings/emotions run away with you so much. I think you'd like yourself better if you can manage to get them under control. When you feel something like this about to overwhelm you, STOP yourself! Replace it with a positive though, like how lucky you are to have a new home, or how great your pregnancy is going, or how cute that damn puppy is.
The holidays seem to give us permission to feel bad that things aren't perfect. That's not what they're for at ALL. Peace on earth starts with each of us, and it starts with finding peace in our hearts, in the midst of any situation.
Candi has great advice.
Mel, I think you should go and see the movie Spanglish - it shows what happens if you look at every glass as though it is half full - as what happened with the chef's wife. She wanted her husband to talk and talk about nothing so she would feel connected. She saw his decisions, which were obviously right ones, as acts to go against her. She wanted her daughter to be thin and hurt her feelings in the process. And she wanted everyone to see everything she did as something great when she actually stepped on their toes. Everything was always about her and she did not stop to see things that went differently than planned as positive.
You have to learn to stop the flow of negative thougts.
Like I have repeatedly stated here, I'm not tryng to minimize Min's problems. I sympathize totally and hate that her family is going throu this mess. And yeah, I realize my problems are smaller, but they still are problems. I can't sit down and list out the numerous issues everyone else has gone thru before I post my own. It's impossible. It wasn't my intention to be upsetting to anyone and I'm not saying it's fine if I made her mad. I hate to make anyone mad. I'm saying it's okay with me that she busted my chops for whining if that's what her impression of my post was. And I certainly don't think it was Min's imtention to have everyone else come to her rescue just because my problems are so much more trivial than her's. She was just reinforcing that she has issues too and is trying to make the best of the holidays and I'm proud of her for being able to do that.
I can't help that I'm worried that the few bucks we have left in the bank won't feed us another month. I can't help that we don't know when Shane will get another check so we can feed ourselves, pay bills, etc. So forgive me if I seem to panic. A nice roof over our heads is great. I am grateful for that. And thrilled that we have a healthy baby coming in a few months. And I am very happy we have love between us and my son is so sweet and understanding. But I refuse to sit and dismiss the fact that Shane may not be paid until the 15th of next month, which is not going to help feed us. Hardly a trival problem when children are involved.
I also refuse to ignore the fact that my husband feels so low and doesn't like his new job because he's bored and hopes to get the other one so he can be happy again. I can't stand to see anyone I love feeling down and I'm very sensitive to those things. Yeah, he'll either get over it or he won't, but until he does, I can't help but be concerned. He's my husband. It's just natural to care. I thought I was free to vent about it and get it out somewhere. I can't talk to him about it. It just stresses him.
You know what?
CM to this board....just erase this whole thread. Or at least close it.
I'm tired of justifying myself. I'm done.
<a href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wtCMCc4/">
<img border="0" src="http://tickers.Ticker
Pages