Cold Feet in Burbank
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| Mon, 05-22-2006 - 3:17pm |
I know blending families is not an easy thing. And I think up to this point, my kids and my boyfriend's son, and the five of us, have managed to get along real well. We were all together on Sunday. We were at his house trying to play a game of badminton. We had a disagreement about something, and I got real angry. I wanted to leave, but since we had just gotten there, and it was an hour and a half ride back home, I tried to calm down and make the best of it. Today, S calls me and tells me he couldn't figure out what my problem was yesterday, he was glad I snapped out of it, and that I should apologize for the way I acted. He thinks I was wrong, I don't. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten as angry as I did, but I still don't think I'm wrong. I told him that I wanted to leave, but I didn't because I didn't want to ruin everyone's good time and the second thing that crossed my mind was "I don't think I can do this" (meaning all five of us all together all the time). I told S that on the phone, and he said maybe I'm too emotional to be in a relationship. Maybe he's right.
S says I can't admit when I'm wrong, but that's not true. Like I said, I shouldn't have lost my cool yesterday, but I have a right to my opinion, and S and I don't have the same opinion on this issue. S used to be minor league baseball player. S's father and grandfather played pro or semi-pro baseball, so it runs in the family. S's son is very athletic. Unfortunately, I am not, but whenever we get together, I join in and try my best at whatever we are doing, whether it be baseball (which I love to watch but not play so much), volleyball or basketball. My daughter is extremely athletic, but my son is not. He's a little on the clumsy side, just like me. The problem is that whenever we get together to play something, father and son always win, actually humiliate us, and it just gets on my nerves sometimes. His son is soo far and above not only my kids, but most kids in athletic ability, that losing on a constant and continual basis is no fun. Our disagreement was about boundaries and rules. I say, who cares. They never played before, lets give the kids a break. S's opinion, absolutely not. They have to learn the game the correct way with all the rules, no breaks given. That's just how he is. He's a perfectionist, especially when it comes to sports. He pushes himself and sometimes his son, almost relentlessly. Thank God he doesn't do that to my kids. And S is very good at telling them how good they are when they do something right. But, he is of the opinion that there is only one way to play, and that's the correct way, and if the kids don't hold the racket the right way, he will correct them and show them the correct way. Ok, it's great that he wants to teach them, and he is a very good teacher. But, like I said, they're 8. And doing it the correct way, neither of my kids were able to serve the birdie over the net. My daughter adopted a totally incorrect way of doing it, but at least she got it over the net. Aren't games supposed to be fun?
I know there are people out there that would say the whole thing is stupid, and I totally agree with them. It is stupid. But it's always the stupid little things that get me all worked up. And whenever I get worked up, I want to give up. It just seems like we fight about stupid little things, not big issues. The big issues we agree on, it's the dumb stuff that we don't. I keep wondering what is going to happen when we are all together and we have a disagreement? I can't run away then.
If S had his way, we would be engaged and living together right now. We had a disagreement a couple of weeks ago, and I told him I needed a break. So, we took a weekend off of seeing each other. We talked in the interim and tried to figure out what was going on. After I told him how I felt and after my break, I felt better. We have come to a compromise. S wants to have his son full-time this summer, and he is in the processing of trying to get that in court right now. If he gets his son full time this summer, he wants me and my kids to stay up by him during the week so the kids can be together. My kids are ok with that so long as his son is there, but if his son is not there, then they want to say by me and go to summer camp at the park district. We have all agreed on that plan. I would like if we could all be together this summer, because I am using this as a test. If we can all live together full time and not kill each other, then my feet won't be so cold. I have made myself very clear -- everything is hinging on this summer. S thinks all we need is time together, and if we were together more often then we wouldn't be having these silly arguments. And the distance between us is starting to irriate both of us.
I don't know what's wrong with me except that I have some serious cold feet, and I have told him that. I don't want to move at the same quick pace that he wants to. My exh walked out when my twins were 3 months old, and they are now eight, almost 9. I have been alone all that time. I have had relationships in between, long ones, but nothing that ever got as serious as talk of marriage. There are times when I think I am trying to sabotage our relationship because I'm scared. I know I do that sometimes, and I have talked to my counselor about it. My twins and I are close, very close. We are all we have ever had. I love my kids more than anything, and I like my life, and I'm afraid of losing all of that.
I really need some help here. I love S, I'm just not sure I'm strong enough to be a full-time stepmom, and a full-time wife. I know I make no sense when I say this, but for so long I had hoped that I would find Mr. Right, get married again, and maybe even have another child. Well, here I have it, someone who wants all of that. He adores my kids and he wants all of us to be together. And now that I have it, I'm not so sure I want it. I know, I make absolutely no sense.
I'm considering just walking away from all of this. I really think I'm crazy. I've had other people tell me I'm nuts to walk away and that I should give S a chance. If anyone can relate to having cold feet or being unsure of a relationship, please tell me what you did to sort it all out. Thanks.
Donna

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You have cold feet for excellent reasons, Donna. You are able to articulate both sides very well here in my opinion.
It sounds like you two have some real good things to keep the TWO of you together. But you are seeing the reality of your situations with your parenting skills/philosphies and the differences and needs of your children.
I think you should be very blunt and honest about your concerns to him. The biggest, in my opinion, is that he has different parenting philosophies, especially when it comes to sports. I wonder if this spills over into other things as well. I would NOT want my kids to feel corrected and pressured by someone I am dating. I would NOT like that he and his son are so competitive and have to win and humiliate me - I would put a stop to that right away - "this is fun for you but NOT fun for us - we have to stop right now and find something else to do". I would want everyone to have fun outdoors no matter how they hold a silly racquet. I would want everyone to feel like a winner and that they are having fun. I would want a family atmosphere, not an athletic competition. This is a big major issue in my opinion.
You are also right to question the move. You are right to question all of this. Why would you want to give up your very good life that is so happy and under control to have to deal with this so far away when YOU are the one who has to move?
Step children/parenting situations do have a very high failure rate. It is best to put the two familes together frequently to unveil this BEFORE you think marriage. It is best to see that it is a challenge and accept that and talk talk talk talk as you go.
I don't think your reaction was at all severe. You have every right to be upset about your kids and how they were made to feel and you have every right to your feelings. I don't think you should apologize - I think this should be an opportunity for you two to work things out.
I think you both have to sit down now and be brutally honest about the way you feel about everything. You have to find solutions. You two just have to come to the table with honesty and the ability to hash it out to a win-win, enthusiastic agreement for both sides.
Keep in mind that given his history, he may be incapable of changing his sports attitude. But maybe the SOLUTION is that you don't play sports together that make you and your kids feel this way. Can you both live with that? Can you find other things to do?
He sounds like he has a lot of good qualities. I think you two are just starting to see and question the reality of your situations. Sure, you can be great lovers. But can you mesh together your worlds, with children and all of your challenges (distance/moving) so that you both win? Now is the time to see his real negotiation and problem solving skills.
Keep us posted. And take your time with this.
Blending kids is difficult. My partner and I are waiting 2 years until his youngest graduates from high school before we get married. Really, we don't throw our kids together. There's a big age different between his two and my son.
I enjoy dating my guy without mixing the kids into the whole thing.
Oh Donna, (((((buggle gum looking sticky bear hug at ya!))))))
I think it's perfectly normal to feel this way.
Alison & Judy:
Thanks for your responses. They were both great.
Alison: It's nice to see that someone else has had doubts along the way and wondered "what am I doing". I'm so glad you wrote that because I know I am not the only one.
As you two know, I have been with my kids alone for almost 9 years now. In between I had 3 relationships that did not work out. I am, to say the least, set in my ways and am comfortable with my life. I have lived in my house for 15 years. Changing after all this time is a scary concept to me. And, it would be so much easier for me to walk away from this relationship then to work things out. Easier, yes, but perhaps not the right decision.
When I get to feeling like this, I tend to want to run away and hide. S won't let me. He called me last night and wanted to talk about what happened on Sunday. Actually, he said we didn't need to talk about it, it was in the past, but if I wanted to we could. I wanted to because I wanted to point out how I and my children felt. We talked at length about the sports issue. We came to the compromise of either playing and not keeping score or just changing the activity if anyone feels threatened. My outburst could have been avoided if I just would have said, can we just play for fun or can we practice a while before we play for real. He knows his son has super athletic ability, which he also knows is not normal for a kid his age. He doesn't want to make my kids feel inferior. So, on that issue, we have come to an agreement and we are on the same page.
S was concerned about me because he never saw me get upset like that before. He said I was like a different person. I said, well, I have a temper, I try not to show it, but sometimes I snap. I told him I shouldn't have lost my cool, but sometimes it does happen. That's why I think it is very important to spend as much time together as we can this summer so we can see each other on good days and bad days. He keeps telling me I'm perfect, but I'm not. When I am overstressed, I have a short fuse, and am more likely to explode.
Judy, as you suggested, we talked last night for a long time. I told him everything I was feeling. I told him I was scared. I never met anyone like him before. I never met anyone that wanted to be with me 24/7; anyone that wanted to marry me; anyone that loved my kids like he does. This relationship is a lot different, and deeper, than anything I have experienced before -- thus the cold feet. I like familiarity and I don't do well with surprises. I'm used to seeing my guy on the weekend, mostly keeping the kids out of it, sometimes doing family activities. And when all 3 of those ended, I knew in my heart that it was for the best because they were never going to be a "stepdad" to my kids. I can't say that about S. Plus, for the first time, my kids REALLY like him. They want us to be together. And that says alot because it always has been "us against the world". I'm still adjusting to this kind of relationship. It's not bad, it's just different, and I have to get used to it.
I know that the difficulty I am having is within myself. And I have to work through it, with counseling, over time. And I was honest enough to tell him that last night. I am struggling, but it is more with myself than with him. I told S that maybe I just wasn't the right type of person for him. He told me that I was exactly what he wants. He told me relationships were hard work, but he was willing to work at this one because I was worth it.
I think our talk last night helped. If I continue to keep the lines of communication open and try to slow things down when they are moving to fast, I think I'll be ok. Thanks again for all your advice.
P.S.: Allison, I love the pictures of your son. Too cute!
Donna
Here is my thought…. You are trying this 'family' thing out and it's not working super well for you.
I think your conversation went very well:
"We came to the compromise of either playing and not keeping score or just changing the activity if anyone feels threatened. My outburst could have been avoided if I just would have said, can we just play for fun or can we practice a while before we play for real. He knows his son has super athletic ability, which he also knows is not normal for a kid his age. He doesn't want to make my kids feel inferior. So, on that issue, we have come to an agreement and we are on the same page."
That is good. I do think you have to work on the blowing a fuse thing - you have to be able to communicate your feelings in an effective manner right off the bat rather than get frustrated over time and let them blow and hurt the other person. Maybe when you feel this way you can take a time out for a minute - go inside to the bathroom - whatever - just gather your thoughts and think about your "presentation" so to speak. You can get a handle on it to make your communication more about building love and expressing yourself than just letting off steam - I think it is the way you look at it. Now that you have both mentioned this you can work on it and if you are in counseling you will get a handle.
Half the battle is being able to see and admit the problem - and you are BOTH doing this.
Take your time - keep doing things together and keep talking. Keep your expectations in check that blending families is NOT easy and you do need to take time. It is great that your kids are so happy and that he is so happy. What about his son? Is his son happy with this too?
I still think you should wait to move - do not put a time limit on this or rush. But I could see you spending longer lots of time at his house this summer when you don't have school to worry about - maybe like 2 or 3 days at a time. And then step back and talk. You have to keep stepping back and talking as you go so you can get better.
What Jennie says has real merit and I consider her very good with blending issues because she has the experience from her childhood, great counseling, good research and now her own experience. She really adds a lot to our board. I think you should really listen to her post, too.
Keep us posted.
Judy:
To answer your question S's son really likes Katie and Alex. He has no siblings, and he always tells his dad he thinks it would be cool for Katie and Alex to be his brother and sister.
I think 2 or 3 days up by him in the summer would be a great idea. I don't want to be out there full time because I do have a house and 3 cats to take care of (S is severely allergic to cats). I can admit that I have made mistakes in the past, and that is why I think I am hard on myself this time around. I don't want to repeat the mistakes of my past. And you are right, walking away when I am upset before I speak would have been a better way to handle things on Sunday.
I agree with you that Jennie has great advice, and I am glad that she responded to me. She is a person I look up to in the regard of blending families and relationships because she has done it so successfully. She does have a lot to offer the board!
Donna
Oh stop you guys!
We all have ghosts from the past and things that rattle us because of the past. Sometimes we have to recognize that something is just getting us shook up because it reminds us of the past. But we also have life experience and good knowledge to guide us. We have to have faith and be open to new experiences and to trust again.
It is GREAT that you have things to keep you from extended stays!! Amen to the cats and your house. You have to be strong about this.
I think that if you get really mad you just have to go and chill to see if you should really be mad and to see how you should handle it - it is all in how you look at things.
Sometimes someone just does something that hurts so so bad. But often when you get to the root of WHY they are doing it, it has nothing to do with you. They have a silly reason they did it that only applies to them.
Maybe in time he can learn to be a little more patient, positive and creative with teaching your kids. And maybe in time you can learn to see that he is helping and coaching them to be better athletes and not just cringe that he is critiquing them.
If the kids are all liking this and you feel they all have a positive impact on each other that is good too.
The parents just need a longer training and breaking in process!! LOL!!
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