Cold Feet in Burbank
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| Mon, 05-22-2006 - 3:17pm |
I know blending families is not an easy thing. And I think up to this point, my kids and my boyfriend's son, and the five of us, have managed to get along real well. We were all together on Sunday. We were at his house trying to play a game of badminton. We had a disagreement about something, and I got real angry. I wanted to leave, but since we had just gotten there, and it was an hour and a half ride back home, I tried to calm down and make the best of it. Today, S calls me and tells me he couldn't figure out what my problem was yesterday, he was glad I snapped out of it, and that I should apologize for the way I acted. He thinks I was wrong, I don't. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten as angry as I did, but I still don't think I'm wrong. I told him that I wanted to leave, but I didn't because I didn't want to ruin everyone's good time and the second thing that crossed my mind was "I don't think I can do this" (meaning all five of us all together all the time). I told S that on the phone, and he said maybe I'm too emotional to be in a relationship. Maybe he's right.
S says I can't admit when I'm wrong, but that's not true. Like I said, I shouldn't have lost my cool yesterday, but I have a right to my opinion, and S and I don't have the same opinion on this issue. S used to be minor league baseball player. S's father and grandfather played pro or semi-pro baseball, so it runs in the family. S's son is very athletic. Unfortunately, I am not, but whenever we get together, I join in and try my best at whatever we are doing, whether it be baseball (which I love to watch but not play so much), volleyball or basketball. My daughter is extremely athletic, but my son is not. He's a little on the clumsy side, just like me. The problem is that whenever we get together to play something, father and son always win, actually humiliate us, and it just gets on my nerves sometimes. His son is soo far and above not only my kids, but most kids in athletic ability, that losing on a constant and continual basis is no fun. Our disagreement was about boundaries and rules. I say, who cares. They never played before, lets give the kids a break. S's opinion, absolutely not. They have to learn the game the correct way with all the rules, no breaks given. That's just how he is. He's a perfectionist, especially when it comes to sports. He pushes himself and sometimes his son, almost relentlessly. Thank God he doesn't do that to my kids. And S is very good at telling them how good they are when they do something right. But, he is of the opinion that there is only one way to play, and that's the correct way, and if the kids don't hold the racket the right way, he will correct them and show them the correct way. Ok, it's great that he wants to teach them, and he is a very good teacher. But, like I said, they're 8. And doing it the correct way, neither of my kids were able to serve the birdie over the net. My daughter adopted a totally incorrect way of doing it, but at least she got it over the net. Aren't games supposed to be fun?
I know there are people out there that would say the whole thing is stupid, and I totally agree with them. It is stupid. But it's always the stupid little things that get me all worked up. And whenever I get worked up, I want to give up. It just seems like we fight about stupid little things, not big issues. The big issues we agree on, it's the dumb stuff that we don't. I keep wondering what is going to happen when we are all together and we have a disagreement? I can't run away then.
If S had his way, we would be engaged and living together right now. We had a disagreement a couple of weeks ago, and I told him I needed a break. So, we took a weekend off of seeing each other. We talked in the interim and tried to figure out what was going on. After I told him how I felt and after my break, I felt better. We have come to a compromise. S wants to have his son full-time this summer, and he is in the processing of trying to get that in court right now. If he gets his son full time this summer, he wants me and my kids to stay up by him during the week so the kids can be together. My kids are ok with that so long as his son is there, but if his son is not there, then they want to say by me and go to summer camp at the park district. We have all agreed on that plan. I would like if we could all be together this summer, because I am using this as a test. If we can all live together full time and not kill each other, then my feet won't be so cold. I have made myself very clear -- everything is hinging on this summer. S thinks all we need is time together, and if we were together more often then we wouldn't be having these silly arguments. And the distance between us is starting to irriate both of us.
I don't know what's wrong with me except that I have some serious cold feet, and I have told him that. I don't want to move at the same quick pace that he wants to. My exh walked out when my twins were 3 months old, and they are now eight, almost 9. I have been alone all that time. I have had relationships in between, long ones, but nothing that ever got as serious as talk of marriage. There are times when I think I am trying to sabotage our relationship because I'm scared. I know I do that sometimes, and I have talked to my counselor about it. My twins and I are close, very close. We are all we have ever had. I love my kids more than anything, and I like my life, and I'm afraid of losing all of that.
I really need some help here. I love S, I'm just not sure I'm strong enough to be a full-time stepmom, and a full-time wife. I know I make no sense when I say this, but for so long I had hoped that I would find Mr. Right, get married again, and maybe even have another child. Well, here I have it, someone who wants all of that. He adores my kids and he wants all of us to be together. And now that I have it, I'm not so sure I want it. I know, I make absolutely no sense.
I'm considering just walking away from all of this. I really think I'm crazy. I've had other people tell me I'm nuts to walk away and that I should give S a chance. If anyone can relate to having cold feet or being unsure of a relationship, please tell me what you did to sort it all out. Thanks.
Donna

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Donna,
Thanks about the pics, I think they're awesome!
You know, I can relate about the "blowing your top" thing, I get worked up and I snap too.
Judy:
"The parents just need a longer training and breaking in process!"
Amen to that, especially this parent!
"Sometimes someone just does something that hurts so so bad. But often when you get to the root of WHY they are doing it, it has nothing to do with you. They have a silly reason they did it that only applies to them."
There have been many times both of us have said hurtful things or have gotten our feelings hurt, but in each one of those cases, after we talked about it, it just ended up being a misunderstading or miscommunication, but nothing big at all.
"We all have ghosts from the past and things that rattle us because of the past. Sometimes we have to recognize that something is just getting us shook up because it reminds us of the past. But we also have life experience and good knowledge to guide us. We have to have faith and be open to new experiences and to trust again."
In our long conversation, I came clean to S about my past 3 failed relationships and what they were all about, and my perspective on all of them. I was able to admit that how I act, think and feel today has a lot to do with those three relationships. So, now he at least understands me a little bit better. But I think the biggest breakthrough was when I told him that I was just scared, scared to make another mistake. I think he was glad for my openness and he said he totally understood where I was coming from.
Thanks for everyone's input. I think we resolved things in a positive way. I'll keep you all posted.
Donna
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