Confused....
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Confused....
| Thu, 10-04-2007 - 11:07pm |
Been dating a guy for 6 months, really thought everything was great, I love him, he loves me, have met his kids and parents, he has met mine. I felt like he was the soul mate I had always wished for. Every thing seems right until today.

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Welcome!
You are dead ON with your thoughts - shows you are smart and looking out for number one which is you. I would think the same as you. I don't know what to tell you. Because that is a big lie - I know I would not want to date someone who is separated because they are still married and they are not over their divorce and it is not fair to someone like me who is ready for something more rock solid. And it takes the wind out of your sails when you were rolling along so nicely.
I think you are going to see the answer to this in time.
Because I don't think it is the matter of just stretching the truth about time as he did. Divorce is a process, you see. It is about realizing the marriage doesn't work, then it is about doing something about that - either you makeup or break up. It is about going through the process of dividing everything. Then it is about being so happy you are free of the stress of the bad relationship and the person you don't get along with.
But then there is so much more. Then there is the part about adjusting to your new life. To realizing what you just did and to realize the loss of a spouse in your life. Good or bad, a spouse provides a social ticket and freedom from many burdens and the assumption that the future is secure and known. There could be much guilt when you see the aftermath of upsetting family and children and trying to get visitation in order. And the thoughts of why did you fail? The ground becomes quite shaky for some time.
He has to recreate his self and find himself again in this new role. I don't think he can go that simply from her to you. And that is why I say wait and let time tell you. I think you will see the hem and haw of the aftermath. Not for sure - but maybe likely.
I think you are smart enough to know the answer as you go. Right now you have questions and they are good. If you have that then you will know what to do as time passes. Be selfish!!
Edited 10/4/2007 11:27 pm ET by cl-west1745
I am only separated, I was honest about that though, and my ex has met my boyfriend..I have met his girlfriend (not like we hang out or anything..lol ex and I have children, he comes to pick them up/drop them off) but, I dont think only being separated is a big deal if you know the situation,
I consider myself divorced in my heart tho..So I kinda see where hes coming from, altho he should have been honest.
thats just my opinion tho....its im sure different than others!
ITA with Judy on this one. Separated is still "not divorced" and still "not free and single" yet and so they are not available. I still think there could be LOTS of emotional turmoil that he could still go through because his divorce isn't completely FINAL. You go through times of grieving the loss of the marriage dream and all that. And like Judy said- the time of rediscovering just WHO he is, without his wife and figuring out what he wants for his future.
I'm not saying it won't work out for you guys, but if you have those doubts about his lies, then I wouldn't ignore those doubts! It just means you are requiring and expecting more (higher standards) of your partner, and if he can't fit the bill, then it's time to let him go. You want your partner to be someone you can trust and respect.
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
I'm going to differ here with everyone, I'm sure. I am not divorced. I am merely separated and have been for a year and a half. We have all the property divided, visitation schedules set and everything taken care of in a separation agreement. Filing the divorce decree will not change my situation in any way other than I could remarry if I want. I am single and free to date whom I choose, file taxes separately, and not have to worry about any of his financial decisions as they are not tied to me.
I could file for a divorce and be divorced within 30 days. I have been hoping he would do it. Quite frankly he cost me enough money and I don't want to pay for it. I have not ties to him and since I am not going to be getting married there is no reason for me to get divorced right now. I don't feel emotionally tied to him. I am over him and have moved on.
So, when I'm out and a man asks about my marital status. I say I'm divorced. I think separated gives the impression that you are still trying to work things out or aren't over them or it is recent or whatever. We will not be getting back together, I despise him. I just think divorced is the easiest way to convey my situation. I don't feel that I'm really being dishonest though. I do think if I was to get into a relationship with someone, I may explain exactly the situation though. No need to go into all that with a guy you went out with twice but if we were to become and item I think I would probably do it just so there was not confusion later.
As for him not coming clean with you, he may not have known how or didn't see the point. His marriage was over and the particulars didn't really matter to him. He knew it was in process and was going to be over soon enough. Who knows when one of us (my x or myself) will break down and file the paperwork. My girlfriend has been teasing me that she would pay for it for my birthday (40 in December). That's kind of a hoot.
I do wonder about how much you actually trust him though if you are going around researching information about him at this point. You all have been together for 6 months. I would understand if it was recent and you were checking him out. A little odd to be doing it at this point and time. Maybe there are other reasons that you don't fully trust him.
HTH
Priscilla
I agree
I would like to add that I do think the fact that he had been separated for a year does make a difference. In comparison, my ex told his former girlfriend that he was divorced the day he filed -
So many people who are separated or even still living with their spouses call themselves as divorced.
Interesting topic. Everyone here has such a unique and personal experience and perspective. I hope you were able to take the advice and opinions and come up with a conclusion that feels right to you. I guess only a bit more time and thought will tell, regarding you and your guy..and this issues.
I will just throw in my 2 cents. I fall into the camp of having felt divorced long before my divorce was final. My marriage was over, emotionally, over two years before I even moved out. Near the end of those two years, I was still technically married, the divorce in process, when I began dating my current SO. I was so unmarried in my heart to my ex, that it seemed very much like I had been divorced for years. I was honest, though, and told him on our first date, of my actual status.
Everyone is different, and some people will need more time emotionally to be on their own, divorce papers in hand for some time before they can be OK enough to date again, as a whole person. Others, and it is quite possible that your guy falls into this category, are free from their past enough to move on with someone new. Your guy might have felt that you would have walked away right off the bat had you known he was not technically divorced and maybe he was afraid of losing you. I know that does not justify lying, however.
Maybe just talking to him is a good idea. Open communication, telling him that you value and need honesty in a relationship. See if he is receptive to why you are wary of what you have discovered. If he values your needs, he'll assure you that he understands and will be open in the future about everything, regardless of whether or not he thinks it would scare you off. As a side note, I told my SO very early on that I need honesty. Now he is so blatently honest with me about everything that it almost too much information..lol...but it's appreciated and I never have to wonder or guess.
Good luck to you..
~Pacific~
After posting what I posted before- and then reading the others' comments since then, I also hope the original poster gets what she can use out of all of our experiences shared here. We're all different, obviously.
But I have to say that I was like Mark and Pacific Sun- feeling very much "divorced in my heart" as well- once the divorce was going and finalizing. I was SOOO relieved to have it end!
And I also felt so ready to date. So ready to be able to get love from and give love to someone else. I thought I was ready to just dive right in and do it all over again, and do it right this time.
But little did I know at the time, that although I felt so ready, and felt so "done" and so ripe for moving on... I was soooo NOT READY to actually move on. I jumped into a relationship right away, and it was great. But at the same time, I had a hard time figuring out just what it was that I was wanting my life to head, and I ended up with a change of heart in knowing that I just wasn't ready to get THAT involved again. And that was 5 yrs ago... and to this day, even with my Hiker, I'm still not ready to be THAT involved again.
But I just didn't know that back then, when I was feeling that fresh-post-divorce or separation freedom. THAT in itself, is the reason why I just can't advise wanting to date a man who is so freshly out of the old relationship. He might not even realize how not-ready he is, even though he is feeling ready because of that new freedom.
Just something to think about, I guess.
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Thank you all for your responses!
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