Confused....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2007
Confused....
21
Thu, 10-04-2007 - 11:07pm

Been dating a guy for 6 months, really thought everything was great, I love him, he loves me, have met his kids and parents, he has met mine. I felt like he was the soul mate I had always wished for. Every thing seems right until today.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
In reply to: babe402006
Fri, 10-05-2007 - 3:47pm

Yup, he lied.


"Divorced in your heart" is all well and good, but marriage is a two-way contract, and until you get the ink on the papers.... there is nothing to say that their wife/husband isn't still "married in their heart".

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
In reply to: babe402006
Fri, 10-05-2007 - 3:49pm

Babe, I fully support your research through public records!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: babe402006
Fri, 10-05-2007 - 4:01pm

I agree.

Perhaps after reading all of these, we can conclude:

a) there are people who think they are ready who are not ready
b) there are people who are really ready to jump back in and don't need much time
c) there are people who are not ready and know they are not ready

I would say more men fall into category C than A or B, at least from my experience with dating men newly divorced. They don't want to be settled down with one woman after feeling like they were tied down for a while and probably didn't get nearly the sex they wanted in the latter stages leading to the divorce - although this is what they most want when they start dating. Remember, it is not usually the woman who asks the man to marry her. I think it is the same sort of dynamic here.

I did want to date soon after my separation - and yes because the marriage was over and I wanted the fun and attention. But like you, I jumped from relationship to relationship. It took me a bit to realize that not every person out there was on the same page as me and it took me time to be able to discern what a good prospect versus bad prospect was. I had a lot of self work to do to gain back my self esteem, be able to set boundaries, make a good stable and happy life and learn to toughen up and hold my heart back. The old me would still be sad and trying to get the lifeguard to not be so selfish.

I did have a rather colorful skit in my kitchen explaining to my friends how he waltzed in so late, made a face like he didn't want to make up his own plate from the items on the stove and then proceed to mix up his drink powders all over the counter making a mess for me to clean up and then doing his laundry while we cleaned up the kitchen. All on a school night mind you and probably after answering the emails on his myspace account for 2 hours after work at his house. My friends and I were in stitches with this one. The thing is that his timing was unlucky because I was so tired from a hard day - and he never called to ask how I was doing or if he could bring anything.

There is no way I am going to get upset over something like that and there is no way I am going to put up with that stuff. No man who is with me is going to be a selfish mooch and or not want to talk about something that upsets one of us.

It took me much more than 1 year to be ready to find the right person for me. First I had to find myself and learn to stand on my own 2 feet. I believe there is a reason the marriage fails. Either you married the wrong person - which means you have to figure out why you did that - or somehow you contributed to it or both. I believe I did both. I married a selfish person and I was always a pleaser and a one way street - I never knew the concept of "is he that into you" and he was not that into me and I always felt lonely. And I never demanded respect from him - I think it is true that you do train people how to treat you. He never respected me - it was all about him.

There was a saying I saw that I never forgot over the doors to Dachau - the concentration camp in Germany - and it read, "Those who are foolish enough to forget the past are doomed to repeat it." And I believe that to be true.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: babe402006
Fri, 10-05-2007 - 4:05pm
The online search is critical I think - and good for you. I do this on everyone I date. I found a guy recently who had 2 different charges from 2 different woman for domestic violence. A dear candidate who had no 1 but 2 DUIs. I search to make sure the house is in one name and to make sure there are no criminal records and that the divorce was at least 1 or 2 years before. And now I am adding myspace to that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
In reply to: babe402006
Fri, 10-05-2007 - 5:14pm

Hey, All! I've been lurking I guess lately, but this post has drawn me out... I think the posts here are all trying to make this issue

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2007
In reply to: babe402006
Fri, 10-05-2007 - 5:51pm

Ok, heres the thing- I am ready to forgive and try to move on, hopefully our relationship will be strong. Yes, he very definitely was still married, but - divorce was in progress and he has been very committed to our relationship since we met.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
In reply to: babe402006
Fri, 10-05-2007 - 6:45pm
I'm sorry, I think I got it confused with another post. That's what happens when I lurk peripherally, and don't participate as much in the threads. I loose track of the story :( Sorry. Anyway, glad to hear you're able to move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
In reply to: babe402006
Fri, 10-05-2007 - 8:18pm

Just my view - but my story is i left my ex 2+ years ago, and had already bought my house and moved out a year before my divorce got stamped by the judge.

Photobucket

 

http://www.wh
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: babe402006
Fri, 10-05-2007 - 8:46pm
Maybe you have ESP and he is going to bring her some!! :-) That would be a good thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
In reply to: babe402006
Fri, 10-05-2007 - 10:09pm

I personally jumped out of a marriage (2 weeks from decision to papers signed!)