confused..

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
confused..
3
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 8:45pm
I am new to this, so hello!
I am confused, and in need of some advice.
Ive been dating someone for about 4 months now..the man I have been dating was hurt pretty bad in the past, so he has some severe trust issues. (About a year before we started dating, he had split up with his ex gf because she decided to go back to her ex husband after 2 years)
We both have children as we were both previously married. About 2 months into the relationship, we both pondered the idea of meeting each others children. A few times he had brought it up, saying "It was important."
After four months, and nothing happening, I brought it up and was shocked on his answer.
He told me he wasnt ready for me to meet his kids...that he had made that mistake before, and wont do it again, and needs to be sure. He told me he hasnt even felt secure enough in letting them know he is dating someone. This came as a shock, because he was the one who had brought it up to me before, he wanted to do it.
I accepted the way he felt, meanwhile I had already told my kids that they would be meeting him, as per our previous discussions about it.
Now, 2 weeks after, he calls me up and tells me that tomorrow he is planning on coming by my house on his way to pick up the kids for the weekend, to visit quick and meet my kids.
(I should also add in that he is a shift worker, and is on midnights for two weeks, with just this weekend off, but he has his kids this weekend, so we will be unable to see each other for over two weeks)
When he said that, I told him I was uncomfortable with the idea. He got bent out of shape, and asked what the problem was, and I told him I had wanted him to meet my kids, but back then, I thought the feeling was mutual because of our discussions about it. I told him that if he wasnt comfortable with me meeting his kids yet, then we should wait until its mutual. And when he is comfortable, we can go forward with that. He then got upset and hung up.
I want to add that when I learnt that he wasnt ready, but had told me previously he was, i was shocked..it felt like somehow his feelings had changed for me, and suddenly he wasnt as serious as he was before. It made me question if he was having doubts about us as a couple.
I later emailed him, telling him that i hoped he understood, and wasnt mad over this. He responded and said that the truth was, he was hoping that over the weekend I could meet his kids as well..and he was planning on asking me about it. I told him that he should have said something then. He said because of this, hes now not sure again, and I have made him disoriented and confused about things again.
Its now been a day with no communication, and I dont know what to do.
Any advice would be appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 9:11pm

HI there. I don't know this guy, and I certainly don't know your relationship, so I might be completely off base. If I am, forgive me. BUT, it sounds to me like he's looking for an excuse to be confused and disoriented and unsure.
If he were wanting to introduce you to his children, he would have started his conversation with that, not "I'll be there in 10 minutes to meet your kids." It seems to me you handled it as best you could. My advice is to wait, but not hold your breath for this guy. He'll either honestly introduce you or not, but I'm not sure he's really ready for that yet. I think he knows he isn't but feels he should be.
I also think you've got the right of it- your children shouldn't be put in the middle - and neither should his, and if either of you aren't sure, leave the kids out of it until you're both sure this relationship is actually going somewhere.
I think a heart to heart conversation is in order. It isn't actually about the kids, it's about the relationship, and where it's potentially headed.

Moody


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2006
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 10:18pm
Hi. Dating is so much harder when kids are involved. I would not recommend letting him meet your kids until you are both absolutely sure that you are both at the same point in the relationship. We get hurt enough as adults, but you can spare getting the kids involved.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 11:35am

Hello there! And welcome.

I think you just have to give him time. I totally agree with your actions and would do the same as you. It is only fair that the meeting of kids be mutual.

So, when he decides that he wants you to meet his and meet yours - then that is great.

Just give him the space to work this out in his head. He obviously has big trust issues - and hopefully he will work those out and move forward. If he doesn't then you might have to decide if he is worth your time.

It is sort of a nice surprise that he was thinking of you meeting his - hopefully he goes back to that. I think the best thing you can do is not pressure him. He might even decide in the middle of the weekend that he misses you and wants all of you to be together.

Keep us posted, okay?