Confused
Find a Conversation
Confused
| Wed, 03-15-2006 - 6:48pm |
I met this guy over the summer. We hung out together several times. He called a lot to ask me on dates but I just wasn't ready. At the end of January, he called again and I decided to give it a shot. Our first real date, I guess, was on Valentine's Day. He came over and cooked for my daughter and I. She is 9 and I am 29. He is 31. It was great. Since then we have been doing things together all the time. With and without our kids. Oh, by the way he has a 2 1/2 year old daughter. Every morning he sends me a text message that says Good Morning or at night he will send one that says Good Night. Recently, this has changed and it seems like he is brushing me off by not sending the texts or not answering my calls. Then when he does respond, he says "I have a lot on my mind." Which he does. He is very busy with his job and has has investment properties on the side. Today as we were instant messaging each other he said that we needed to sit down and talk. I asked him why and he said to discuss feelings. I told him that I thoughtI could see this coming. He said it is not a big deal but I think it is. My stomach is in knots. I asked him if I did something wrong and he said to stop, that some people have good traits and some have not so good traits. I am really confused on what that means. Was he talking about me or him. I also asked him if we were still on for Friday because we made plans and he said sure. Maybe it was too much too fast. I just can't figure it out. He is a wonderful person. We are a little different. He is very easy going, laid back and very positive. I am very uptight about somethings but overall I am easy going and I am sometimes negative and he comments on that a lot. I want to make this work but I don't know what to say or do. I think I may be smothering him. Please help me because we are going to have the "talk" real soon.

Pages
Hi, and welcome! The ladies here give great advice, so you've come to a wonderful board!
I think for now, you need to just relax, and not stress out too much before the talk happens. See what he has to say. Listen. It might not be as bad as you think, or it might be, but you won't know until it happens, so stressing about it is only going to make it build up in your head before it happens.
It sounds like you guys moved pretty fast, and I have some experience with that (although not lately) so maybe just stepping back a few paces will help. He might suggest that, but if he doesn't, you could. It might be hard at first, but it coud be what saves your relationship, if you both want to.
You didn't say what you're negative about, but try not to be negative during the talk, just absorb what he has to say. If you disagree with something, do it respectfully. Don't take all the blame, and don't let him lay all the blame on you.
Keep us posted, and good luck!
Powered by CGISpy.com
Welcome to the board!
Sounds to me like he liked the pursuit of you and had some kind of idea of what you were going to be and the real you isn't fitting to some hyped version of you- you know, the fantasy.
Given that, I doubt there's really much you can do about it, he's either interested in getting to know you, or he's going to bail.
Thank you for the great advice.
I totally agree with what you are saying and it is up to me to create my own destiny. I can either be negative and have a negative life or be positive and have a positive life.
As I type I am waiting for the call. It makes me so nervous because rejection is something that I don't take lightly because I always feel the need to know why instead of just letting it go and learning from the experience. I'm always so worried about what he is doing or if he is thinking about me that I can't wait for him to call me, I end up calling him. Like there is no pursuit.
I really am interested in him and he has a lot to offer and so do I. I just need to learn how to not put it out there and let somethings be a mystery that needs to be figured out. I guess I did make it easy for him because I just put myself out there (not to mention my daughter) and now I am not so sure about the decision I made.
I am the type of person that always gives her 150% to a relationship and then end up smothering the guy.
I am so afraid to do not be attentive enough that I am over attentive and they just run away.
My mom has always told me let me men chase you, don't chase them. And somehow, her advice is correct but I just don't seem to get it. Apparently. I need to learn to let go and be patient and let it be what it is. And if it is not meant to be then it was a learning experience and move on and grow from it.
Best thing I can tell you now is, when you feel like calling, either call a girlfriend to chat or do something nice like have a bubble bath.
I am glad to hear that there are other people out there like me and I am not the only one. I know it is time for a change but it seems like there is never a right time to do it. Well now there is and this is the right time.
Still waiting for the call right now, he had called earlier but needed to tend to his daughter and said he would call back when she fell asleep (which probably is the best thing) and it is killing me to know what he is thinking. REALLY WANT TO SEND THAT GOOD NIGHT TEXT MESSAGE THOUGH. I'm sure it can't be to to bad if he is still agreeing to go out with me on Friday. It must be the suspense that makes your stomach feel like frogs are in there jumping around like crazy.
Well I really appreciate all the advice that you have to offer and I will definately take it to heart. I wish I had the internet when I was growing up so I could have help with problems instead of trying to figuring them out on my own.
Thanks so much!
Michelle,
"I wish I had the internet when I was growing up so I could have help with problems instead of trying to figuring them out on my own."
I am starting to think now that the talk is going to be a good thing especially since he agreed to keep the plans for Friday.
Yes, well my inside self says "Send a text message", while my realistic self says "Don't send a text message, turn off your computer, quit worrying and get some sleep". Now if only these two people could get along. LOL
Good night Alison and I will chat with you guys tomorrow.
I will definately keep you posted.
Thanks again!
Hi Michelle,
You have great advice from everyone. I do wish you the best - if it is meant to be it will be.
Somewhere in these threads I posted an article that said you may only take up half of the love seat - your SO has to take up the other half. You just have to back off and let him do that.
I think that we women love relationships so much that we overdo it and this can bugger a guy off.
So maybe now you can look at doing less like it is really more.
Whatever happens, you will be okay. If this one doesn't think you are the one for him then that is good because it will allow you to find the one that does.
Keep us posted!!
Well as of this morning at 9:15 a.m. still no phone calls from him and I have not called him, IM him, or text him. Just patiently waiting.
I do genuinely love to me in a relationship because it makes me feel wanted or needed.
I am sure that I will be okay too. I have faith that whatever it is it won't be as bad as I think and everything with just work out. If not, that is good to because better now then later.
Talk soon!
I didn't read everyone's replies and I hope this doesn't come across as harsh.
Stop calling him and texting him. I have a friend who is smothering her boyfriend. She wants to get married he doesn't. (they have been together a long time so her request is reasonable) BUT she texts messages him all the time. He told me at a party during the holidays that she texted him 16 times that day. Now I don't think you do that but I get the feeling from most guys I know that they want a girl to give them space in the dating phase.
If he has backed off then you need to back off. You can't make him be in a relationship he doesn't want to be in. Wait until he calls you. DO NOT CALL HIM. If he calls you and leaves a message, call him back. If he doesn't answer leave a message. Do not call him again. Wait until he calls you back.
I know this process sucks but if he wants to be with you and is into you he will come around. I also think it stinks that he told that to you via instant messanger with no explaination. If I was you I would be less worried about "the talk" and more into trying to figure out the best way to explain how selfish and unthoughtful he was for doing that to you.
By the way, how I knew bf was "into me" was the level of communication we had every day. I always waited for him to call me. We have been dating for over a year and I pretty much still wait for him to call me. Unless I have a question related to plans or something I wait. Others may not agree but bf never complains to anyone about being "smothered."
In my experience, men will get away with treating you however you allow them to treat you. I personally prefer to be treated with the utmost care and consideration. I have already experienced being treated like dog poo on the bottom of a shoe. I don't intend to go back.
Pages