Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2003
Confused
58
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 6:48pm
I met this guy over the summer. We hung out together several times. He called a lot to ask me on dates but I just wasn't ready. At the end of January, he called again and I decided to give it a shot. Our first real date, I guess, was on Valentine's Day. He came over and cooked for my daughter and I. She is 9 and I am 29. He is 31. It was great. Since then we have been doing things together all the time. With and without our kids. Oh, by the way he has a 2 1/2 year old daughter. Every morning he sends me a text message that says Good Morning or at night he will send one that says Good Night. Recently, this has changed and it seems like he is brushing me off by not sending the texts or not answering my calls. Then when he does respond, he says "I have a lot on my mind." Which he does. He is very busy with his job and has has investment properties on the side. Today as we were instant messaging each other he said that we needed to sit down and talk. I asked him why and he said to discuss feelings. I told him that I thoughtI could see this coming. He said it is not a big deal but I think it is. My stomach is in knots. I asked him if I did something wrong and he said to stop, that some people have good traits and some have not so good traits. I am really confused on what that means. Was he talking about me or him. I also asked him if we were still on for Friday because we made plans and he said sure. Maybe it was too much too fast. I just can't figure it out. He is a wonderful person. We are a little different. He is very easy going, laid back and very positive. I am very uptight about somethings but overall I am easy going and I am sometimes negative and he comments on that a lot. I want to make this work but I don't know what to say or do. I think I may be smothering him. Please help me because we are going to have the "talk" real soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2003
In reply to: mlvincent26
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 2:40pm
Yes, I totally agree with that. I think I have the same problem. It makes me pretty bitchy about a week before.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: mlvincent26
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 7:42pm

Michelle,


I would stop asking, texting, emailing, calling, etc about the "talk".


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: mlvincent26
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 6:09am

I would not have fooled around with him until after the talk.

I think you should give him a big chill for right now - let things settle - and then let him know that when he is ready to talk you are ready to listen. But I would not text him and call him anymore.

Good luck - hopefully it was nothing and you can proceed. But it could also very well be that he is only into the physical aspects and doesn't want to have a relationship right now or that he feels you got too attached too early.

Keep us posted.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
In reply to: mlvincent26
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 9:03am

I haven't commented up to this point but I have to agree with myprecioustwo... the fooling around should NOT have happened after he'd tossed this "we gotta talk" thing into your lap. And then to not even talk, or even MENTION any clue about what it is all about??? That should not fly! You should've made him speak his mind THAT NIGHT and not let the fooling around happen. But I know- the past is done and you can't change it. Just know not to let it happen again. He doesn't deserve to fool around with you or your body and then treat you that way. It's HANDS OFF, Buddy- until things are good between you two.

And I have to say that now that he's put you off on the talk, and you've already text'd him about it, now it's time to just let it go. Don't chase him for the talk. If it's important to him, then he needs to make the time to say his mind. And if he doesn't, then it's also time to start cutting him loose, IMO. He's not treating you with the respect you deserve, and don't settle for this kind of treatment. If he's confused and doesn't know what to say, then he should at least let you know that he's confused and you can still throw out some thoughts on the matter and still talk together about things. He needs to learn how to communicate if he wants to be in a relationship with you (or any other person- you just have to learn to communicate feelings, no matter what). Don't let him get away with not learning that skill and then having access to your body. I'm such a hard-@ss, aren't I!?? But I just can't stand men who think they can still do what they want physically and not make the effort for the emotional connections to be in place.

Please keep us updated, and I hope it works out for you. It's getting to where it's not even that important whether he chooses to stay or leave (because to me, he's showing some jerk colors and might not be worth keeping) but he DOES need to give you the respect of a decent explanation of "the talk" that he keeps mentioning.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: mlvincent26
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 1:30pm

"It's getting to where it's not even that important whether he chooses to stay or leave..."- I agree Shrimpy!


I found too many times women leave their relationship fate in the hands of the guy, "I wish he'd tell me/ make up his mind/ just leave/ stop calling/ etc"


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: mlvincent26
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 6:44pm

I totally agree what you say about this guy. Good call. It seems to me that you know what you want and deserve and you are able to see this and call it much earlier than before.

Keep us posted!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2003
In reply to: mlvincent26
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 12:56pm

UPDATE!!!!!!!

Went out with friends on Friday night as planned. Had a very good time. Did not speak to him until next day. Which naturally I called him, but it's okay. I went meet him and we hung out all day. During the day, since I was still kind of feeling 10 foot tall and bullet proof, I approached the conversation and he said all I want in a woman is someone that likes to have sex as much as me and is happy and he said he would take care of the rest. Hmmmmmm.............I could possible fit that bill. So, needless to say after that, the weekend could not have been better.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: mlvincent26
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 2:50pm
Well, if your satisfied with that answer, I guess it's all good. I for sure wouldn't be; very very alarming, but I guess you need to know what it is, that you exactly want;
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
In reply to: mlvincent26
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 4:11pm

I hate to say this, but I kind of agree with precious... if a guy told me that, I would be looking at this guy as a hook-up from now on if you want to keep dating him, but keep your heart out of it. He doesn't seem to want much more than that from you.

Maybe we are just looking for the negative in this, cause we don;t really know him like you do, but I get the feeling he's not ready to be serious with you or anyone right now.

But of course, if you really like him, tread on, but tread at your own risk, and keep your eyes open for someone who wants the same things you do just in case. Remember, if he's not calling, he's not thinking about you.

--snow

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2003
In reply to: mlvincent26
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 4:20pm

I see what you guys are saying but I don't feel that way.

He does not make it just about the sex. I mean outside the bedroom we really have a good relationship. He is very caring and understanding and he is very attentive. It is not like he keeps me all to himself and don't go in public together. We hang out with his family, go to church(with and without our kids) and out to eat or just do yardwork together.

I think what he was saying about the sex is that he likes it a lot and if I am not up for that then I am not the person for him. The part about being happy is just a way to let me know that he is not going to deal with me being negative all the time. I have been chipper lately because in my heart I really think that this can work.