Confused
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Confused
| Wed, 03-15-2006 - 6:48pm |
I met this guy over the summer. We hung out together several times. He called a lot to ask me on dates but I just wasn't ready. At the end of January, he called again and I decided to give it a shot. Our first real date, I guess, was on Valentine's Day. He came over and cooked for my daughter and I. She is 9 and I am 29. He is 31. It was great. Since then we have been doing things together all the time. With and without our kids. Oh, by the way he has a 2 1/2 year old daughter. Every morning he sends me a text message that says Good Morning or at night he will send one that says Good Night. Recently, this has changed and it seems like he is brushing me off by not sending the texts or not answering my calls. Then when he does respond, he says "I have a lot on my mind." Which he does. He is very busy with his job and has has investment properties on the side. Today as we were instant messaging each other he said that we needed to sit down and talk. I asked him why and he said to discuss feelings. I told him that I thoughtI could see this coming. He said it is not a big deal but I think it is. My stomach is in knots. I asked him if I did something wrong and he said to stop, that some people have good traits and some have not so good traits. I am really confused on what that means. Was he talking about me or him. I also asked him if we were still on for Friday because we made plans and he said sure. Maybe it was too much too fast. I just can't figure it out. He is a wonderful person. We are a little different. He is very easy going, laid back and very positive. I am very uptight about somethings but overall I am easy going and I am sometimes negative and he comments on that a lot. I want to make this work but I don't know what to say or do. I think I may be smothering him. Please help me because we are going to have the "talk" real soon.

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"I think what he was saying about the sex is that he likes it a lot and if I am not up for that then I am not the person for him."
As does almost any guy!! LOL!! ;)
"The part about being happy is just a way to let me know that he is not going to deal with me being negative all the time. I have been chipper lately because in my heart I really think that this can work."
If this is seriously his only issue and he has let you know, then the ball is in your court and really strive to work on that--not only for your relationship, but for your self, your family and your friends. In general, we all know that no one wants to be around someone who is crabby, mean, or negative ALL the time. Complainers and whiners are never much fun for long. I am not implying that you are this way at all, just as a larger overview. For example, I have a friend who use to start his emails with "bleh" sometimes and then complains for paragraphs to an unhealthy level. We've had many a talk about how he choses to deal with his negative feelings and he really has vastly improved. Not perfect, but even he admits that he feels better about things than he did a year ago or more. Not that he's not allowed to gripe, mind you, cause we certainly do our fair share!! LOL!! But he used to be horrifically negative about every little thing...
I don't so much feel like he is "playing" you as I worry that he might not want as much as committment as you might eventually want with him. But again, I don't know either of you beyond this board, so I promise to stay open minded and positive for you!!
At any rate, if you are okay and happy, then def hang in there!! I do wish the best for you both and we're always here to chip in 2, 4, or our sixth senses!! ;)
hugs and fingers crossed!!
--snow
That is all fine for him - but I don't believe it is what you will want in the long run - it is like you are selling longterm happiness for short term companionship.
I would ask him if he wants a relationship and exclusivity. Or what does he mean by sex and happiness? And what does he mean by take care of the rest?
I am afraid that he has seen your negative side and thinks that you can't be together long term but he doesn't want to give up the sex and companionship so he is willing to just hang out for now.
You might want to have another talk in a week. See if his behavior shows he is that into you.
You may feel that you are okay with hanging out - but I have never seen this last for a woman - they always get too attached and then get really bummed and clingy when the guy doesn't call or want to spend as much time together or treat them the way they should be treated.
Just be careful - everyone here has had really good advice for you. You have to decide what is best for you and we are always here no matter what, okay?
"You may feel that you are okay with hanging out - but I have never seen this last for a woman - they always get too attached and then get really bummed and clingy when the guy doesn't call or want to spend as much time together or treat them the way they should be treated."
I totally agree, Judy!
Sometimes we figure that if we go along with their terms
AWESOME insight Ladies! Love the translation part Alison. Most of us have been in this situation at some time.
Even though we only know YOUR part of the story, the story still doesn't sound right. You seem satisfied now, but a few days ago you were devastated and you kept up the initial contact when he didn't. I would REALLY just step back and quit calling this guy. Just wait it out, because as someone said, if he isn't calling you, he isn't thinking of you. Right now it sounds like if your clingy, but your having a hard time admitting to it and you'll take whatever scrap of attention he throws your way. Sounds REALLY harsh, but I've been their a few times. You want something so bad, that your willing to put up with ALOT. And in the end, not only do you get hurt, but you are also found left alone feeling
I totally agree. I don't know you well Catherine, but that was very well said. I think all of us have wanted to be loved by someone incapable of loving us back the way we truly deserve.
--snow
Catherine,
Thank you for the wonderful insight. Sorry it has been so long but so much drama I don't know where to start.
It begins where we left off last, we did not have that talk by the way. He did in so many words say that we were moving to fast in the beginning. And I was fine with that. This past Friday and Saturday we spent together with our kids. Sunday, we were supposed to go to church together but I never heard from him until church was over. I went about my business and we to my cousin's. We went shopping and ate and you know girl stuff with our daughters. That afternoon he text me to see if I wanted to come over to cook. I then called him to see if he would like to come over to my cousin's to eat and he said no because he needed to wash some clothes and take care of some things at home.
Monday, talked very briefly, he was going to a meeting at 8 and then to one of our friends house to eat.
Tuesday, did not talk all day, sent him a text in the afternoon because my daughter wanted him to come over and play basketball. He finally responded at about6 that he was still at work, trying to finish up and account and then he was going out with his friend. Said okay and was done with that.
Wednesday, did not talk all day, finally while walking on the treadmill I called him. He answered. He was at his mom's with his daughter. I said okay and I would talk to him later. I went to the store, went to work to use the computer, and on my way home at 7:30 I called him and they were leaving his mom's. She was giving him a hard time so I let him go. Sent him a text message later that night that read "Goodnight, sorry for being such a pain in the ass, I guess I don't realize that you are busy and you don't have time to talk, I hope I have not driven you away". Guess what still no response.
Thursday, still no response. I know what I think I should do but I just really need to know what is going on from him. If I call him or text him saying we need to talk I think he will just avoid it all together. Everything was going well. I am just not sure what has happened.
I have decided to not call again. He will call when he is ready and if he doesn't well then I guess I got my answer. But you know how you always want to know what happened or what is happening. That is how I feel. I think I have more feelings for him than he does for me.
Thanks for listening, again!
WHOA GIRLFRIEND! Are you listening to yourself? If not let me make it plain clear:
He did in so many words say that we were moving to fast in the beginning. AHA! BUT did you NOTICE he had no problem making out with you or sleeping with you when it is convenient. Clearly this has changed into Booty call. And Sundays little text proves it......
That afternoon he text me to see if I wanted to come over to cook. I then called him to see if he would like to come over to my cousin's to eat and he said no because he needed to wash some clothes and take care of some things at home. - Clearly he was hoping for a booty call......
Monday, talked very briefly, he was going to a meeting at 8 and then to one of our friends house to eat. - you call or he called?
Tuesday, did not talk all day, sent him a text
Wednesday, did not talk all day, finally while walking on the treadmill I called him.
Sent him a text message later that night that read "Goodnight, sorry for being such a pain in the ass. Can you explain to me about WHAT you were apologizing for? Because if anyone should do it, he should.
DARLING, I am sorry to say this, but this guy is USING you. Chalk him off! Who KNOWS what happened. Maybe he just figured the chase was over. I don't know, but no matter how much you wish you did want to know, most guys won't even give you an answer and you are left wondering what happened. I doubt he'll honestly answer you, because he just doesn't want to open that pandora and possibly cause a DRAMA.
I wish I could tell you something positive but to me, that whole scenario has RED light written all over it. You don't deserve that. I wish I could hug you. I know how hurtful it feels.
I agree with everything, and I'm so sorry, because this sucks.
But, what do you have to be sorry for? Why are you apologizing for wanting a relationship instead of a FWB situation? I seriously feel for you, because I've been there, and it does suck, but you have ABSOLUTELY nothing to be sorry for. Have you been honest with him?
I'd say drop this one, you're too good for him and his games.
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It does suck because I don't know what to do or what to think or how to act. I feel like a school girl with a crush on someone that I am not sure really likes me or not.
I have not been able to be honest with him because everytime I get him on the phone he cuts me short or just doesn't answer.
I will let it alone for the weekend and see what comes of it.
Thanks. You are the best!
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