Confused about dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
Confused about dating
7
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 10:03pm
I am a 24 year old single mom of two under the age of five. I thought since i couldnt go out and meet mew potential boyfriends i would try online dating sites. There was one one night stand and now i have been seeing this other guy now for about a month. Since i have no sitter he usually comes to my house after the kdis go to sleep. My question is how do i introduce him to the kids and to my family when i am not sure if he is the one? And what do i do if i get attached and want more than this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 10:21pm

Hi and welcome - you just found a great place for single moms!!

I agree it is hard to get out with little kids.

One month is not that long for you to have been seeing someone. I think you just need a little time to see if he is the one.

You say he always comes to your house - I do understand that it is hard to get a sitter. I am wondering if you can find a mom who would trade sitting or family/friends who can help you?

It is helpful to experience a wide variety of activities with a date to find out how compatible you really are. Also, it helps to see if he really thinks of you when making plans and going about his life. Is he coming over just for sex? Or does he truly care about you as a person.

I would say time will tell you if he is good for you or not. For now there is no rush in getting him to meet the kids or family.

As far as getting attached - that is a concern - it is a risk about dating. I would say that the more you can observe from the beginning about his behavior and intentions the better for you to make an assessment of what he wants.

When men are shy and wanting to impress you and show they care - that is good and the sign of a romantic relationship. When they want sex right off the bat - that is not good unless you only want a short fling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 7:19am

Hi there. Do you have any family who could watch your kids so you can go on a real date? Or maybe swap sitting one night with a friend who has kids?
The reason I think this is so important is because having him in your house all of the time fosters this sense of intimacy that really is there, yet. You need to see each other in a different light. You need to see how he interacts with others, if he's kind in general, or snotty, or boring while out in the public. He needs to see the same things about you.
Do you kids ever spend time with their dad? if they do, take advantage of that free time and do something- with or without the guy.
As far as an introduction- your kids are young. how does he feel about meeting them? We tend to think we have to know that the relationship is going somewhere, and going to last a while, before we introduce to children. However, if you keep it light and friendly, even if the relationship fizzles out, your kids won't necessarily be scarred for life.
As far as wanting more, I really think you need to see him in other lights before you can make that decision. Once you do, though, be aware that creating an immediate family is not usually good for anyone involved. These things take time. you have to really get to know him. Once you want more, you can initiate a conversation about exclusivity, where you see yourselves in the future, that kind of thing.
Good luck, I hope everyone else chimes in, too, and keep us posted!

Moody, who wants to see people in every light


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 4:28pm

I wanted to thank everyone for there response to my issue. It has helped a little. My problem with all this is that I have been single for over three years now. Before that I was with my ex since I was sixteen. We were together for almost 5 years, so i have no idea what i am doing in all this dating mess. I have a best friend but she is single with no kids so i have a hard time following her advice.

My break up with the ex was very long and very painful for both me and my oldest. I am very nervous about all this but at the same time anxious to get out there. The only other friend I have is a mother of three who has been with her guy for a few years. I am going to take it slow with this guy and see where it takes us. But at the same time i dont want to invest all this energy to in the end only get hurt. But i guess thats what the dating scene is all about.

Anyway, thank you all again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 4:48pm

I was in a situation very similar to yours. Young mother, single after long term relationships, I had two little kids, no time or money for a sitter, etc.

Somehow, though, I muddled through the first few introductions, first dates, flings, and have had several casual relationships since my divorce.

The first thing, is KNOW what you want. Right after my divorce, when I started meeting people again, I knew I didn't want anything serious or committed. I had a lot of fun having flings and do not regret that at all. Then I had a serious relationship, and while I don't regret the relationship, I definitely regret staying in it as long as I did. But, I learned from it that I enjoy being in relationships, enjoy the committment thing, and enjoy ME, as a person.

After that ended, over a year ago, I knew I wanted to casually date for a while, and in the past couple of months I have decided that casually dating isn't for me, and I am now in pursuit of a long-term, lasting, meaningful relationship. It hasn't been easy, it still isn't.

But knowing what I want makes me less likely to invest any extra time or energy into someone who is looking for something different. If I wanted flings, the guy who wants marriage isn't right for me. If I wanted marriage, the guy who wants to see me occasionally and date other people isn't right for me, no matter how great he is.

Obviously there's the assumption of honesty. Some guys won't or can't tell you what they want. Maybe they think you want something else and they don't want to disappoint you, maybe they just don't really know what they want. you also MUST be honest with yourself.

Stick around, everyone here has dealt with or is dealing with many of the same things you are. It isn't hopeless, but it probably won't happen overnight, either.

Moody, not kissing any frogs (or men who turn into them) today


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 8:44pm

It's best to not introduce children too soon in the relationship. You have to know how you really feel about the man. After you date for 6 or 7 months, you might not like him as much as you initially thought. It takes time to know a person.

It's not such a good thing that he only sees you at your house after your kids go to bed. Some men like that scenario because it's all about easy sex. No dates to pay for. Things get stale after a while if you never go anywhere.

Tell us more about this guy. How old is he? What's his deal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 9:01pm

He just turned thirty. He works at GM and lives on his own. He has a university degree. Not bad looking but not gorgeous either. (the gorgeous ones only break hearts lol). He does know about the kids and is fine with them. He says he loves kids but is not ready for his own. It's really my preferance or should i say idea that he comes here because financially i cant afford a sitter. I stopped talking to him for a couple of weeks because of family stress. He called or texted me at least 10 times a day. He offered to help me out and told me if i needed him to call.

But when im with him i feel comfortable. When i have met other guys the first thing that pops into my head is wheres the nearest bed but with him its different.He seems to understand my situation and is willing to wait it out while i get my kids under control and routines set. I dont want to settle for just anyone because i believe i deserve the best not the second best. But ive been wondering with all the degenerate jerks out there how can u tell? And what if he seems like the best but really he's not? After my ex and i split up i was left alone with a 16 motnth old and 7 months pregnant. It s taken me three years to finally make my piece with this and now going out on dates and putting my trust into another male has got me scared to death. If i had a choice between being in labour or having a broken heart i would definitely choose being in labour. ANywho,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 11:04pm

>>>what if he seems like the best but really he's not?

That's true. You can't really tell. Time will tell.