could use a hug

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
could use a hug
143
Fri, 03-28-2008 - 1:46pm

....or chocolate or a really great girls night out. Any takers?


I really don't want to get into the details as they are exhausting but I had the biggest argument with BE last night and we are not talking. It had nothing to do with his daughter or her kids. I had last night planned with him and when he suggested staying out till 11pm socializing instead of the "in time" I had asked for I snapped. He claims I made a scene and embarrassed him. He is re-thinking being with me because he feels I am too reactive. I am re-thinking the relationship too because I feel that he triggers me- I get hurt and dissappointed which triggers a snap reaction- and he hates that. I don't know becasue I feel justified in beibg let down.


He asked if I wanted to take some "time out" from each other and

~Pacific~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 12:10pm

Hi Sweetie - I know you're getting together with BE tonight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 12:18pm

Thanks Moon-


As far as contact goes, it has been minor. A brief call from him last night just

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 12:30pm

Oh one more thing!


I was just thinking about the main thing I feel I want to communicate to BE. I have my truth- my boundaries as to what is hurtful to me in a relationship. I can;t live with someone telling me that these truths are not valid and that I am too sensitive or inflexible or controlling.


Who is anyone else to tell me what I am? Who is he to tall me that when it feels like I am being stuck in the heart with a needled I am not supposed to flinch or run, because I am "over-reacting"


I'm sick and tired of being told that my reactions are "wrong", Sorry, but they are mine! They are my reactions and I've been mindful and conscious about evaluating myself and bending over backwards to make sure I am NOT over reacting! This is MY line...and I'm ticked that he feels that I should back down from my reactions to waht hurt me. So WHAT if he "did not intend" to hurt me. I still GOT HURT! I'm not going to ignore that just so he can walk off scott free and DO IT AGAIN.


Sheesh! OK- so I did not realize I was still angry. I just needed to vent that all of a sudden it crept up on me. Tonight I have to harness that anger into a positive way of communicating...


~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 12:40pm

That's a very common thing for men to say.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 12:44pm

I think you need to take it a step further.

What would it take to make you happy? What do you want in a person and a relationship? Is he capable of giving you that?

I think you need more time for self evaluation. And time to see what Alanon is all about to see if you want to sign up for this.

For now I would explain that he hurt you and that you do not want him dictating what does and doesn't hurt you.

But in the background of your mind, and through more time, you need time to reflect if he can give you what you want and if he is capable of taking the relationship further over time and worth investing more of your time - and if you can live with what you see.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 12:57pm

For now I would explain that he hurt you and that you do not want him dictating what does and doesn't hurt you.


Exactly. That's what's really under my skin. If he's got a problem with when I get hurt- then he's got a problem with who I am and that's a real fundamental problem.


I have a fundamental problem with what he does sometimes (pushing the issues, drinking coming between us) and he has a fundamental problem with how I react to that.


Who is to say what should be true for the other, we can only be certain what is true for ourselves, right? That's my bottom line and if he can not understand that,

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 1:04pm

I can't live with someone telling me that these truths are not valid ...


Pac, from this and other things you've written,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 1:16pm

A couple of things...


First - you are 100% correct about your feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 1:39pm

It's as if he hears you saying "change because I'm emotional", even though you're actually saying something very different.

~Pacific~
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 1:43pm

I come from the school is that nobody can make you feel bad without your permission.


I also believe that using "I" rather than "you" is a more effective way of communicating for that shows ownership and responsibility for your emotions and needs.


BlueEyes may or may not hear the "I" versus "you" word but there is a better chance he will be able to listen if you do.


With you in spirit tonight.


Hugs,


Mark


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