could use a hug

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
could use a hug
143
Fri, 03-28-2008 - 1:46pm

....or chocolate or a really great girls night out. Any takers?


I really don't want to get into the details as they are exhausting but I had the biggest argument with BE last night and we are not talking. It had nothing to do with his daughter or her kids. I had last night planned with him and when he suggested staying out till 11pm socializing instead of the "in time" I had asked for I snapped. He claims I made a scene and embarrassed him. He is re-thinking being with me because he feels I am too reactive. I am re-thinking the relationship too because I feel that he triggers me- I get hurt and dissappointed which triggers a snap reaction- and he hates that. I don't know becasue I feel justified in beibg let down.


He asked if I wanted to take some "time out" from each other and

~Pacific~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 1:48pm

Thank for hearing me, Moon. Your my board sister and I always feel you in my corner, encouraging me and caring. You're incredible to me and I appreciate your words sooo much.


About me reacting, and his wanting to change that about me. He would say that it's "reasonable" to react, but not in the way I do (walking out). Instead he wants me to keep calm through it and talk later. I just feel like that is trying to change me to someone I am not. To difuse the situation? Well heck- I get ticked off. There are reasons. I'm just sick of questioning myself about my reactions. I want to be honored for who I am just much as he does.


I'm feeling pretty strong, despite my venting this anger here. I'm going to take my thoughts with me and hold true and pray that the aha moment comes tonight and that I'm strong enough to stand up and hold the line, while not being defensive or offensive. Difficult task but somehow I'll get there.


Hugs and love for everything you are, Moony


XOXO :o)


~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 1:50pm
LOL!!! You do have an unbelievable treasure trove of ammunition from over a hundred posts here from all of us in the format of advise, testimonials, stories, prayers, best wishes and MORE! So you are in good shape now!! Little does he know!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 1:54pm

The "I" statements are something I have been practicing with him and I have noticed that it works, in the way of making the conversation a non threatenting one for him. He feels I am not critsizing or attacking him when I continue to use "I" feel..


I have decided to take the next three hours off work for an "appointment". That appointment happens to be on the disc golf couse. I need to get some physical energy out and get my thoughts all straight for a few hours. So I'm headed out now-


Pacific...thanking Mark for reminding me of yet another tool I have in my back pocket to use tonight. Hugs, Mark!

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 1:55pm

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 5:33pm
You might be on your way to your meeting with BE now but just in case I wanted to add something that has proven useful to me over the years in situations that are somewhat similar to yours. I have often found myself in a predicament like you where I have felt hurt and slighted and instead of dealing with that or apologizing and heading toward the land of healing, I have been met with "You are overreacting." or "you are so emotional because you are a musician. You feel things too much"
I have to say that years later these same men have come to me and admitted that they were full of c*ap on these issues and knew it at the time but werent willing to deal and now feel badly about what they put me through.
At the time though it was very frustrating and I spoke to a counselor about it. She was very helpful in helping me see how to discuss it with them and gave me an analogy to use. Assuming that the person involved has hurt you inadvertantly or maybe even by being just thoughtless she said to point out that even if someone were to run over my foot by accident on the curb of the road, they would still be responsible for the pain I endured even though it wasnt intentional and the fact that it was an accident wouldnt keep them from feeling horrible about it and saying they were sorry. But as soon as the accident is emotional and between two people with a history, the accidental hurt can be twisted and the person who ladled out the hurt easily gets defensive. If you think about it, if someone at work or church or even a neighbor said to you " hey the other day when you cut our conversation short, didnt laught at my joke, forgot to invite me to the BBQ/teased my dog in front of me it really bothered me and in some ways it kinda hurt my feelings you would say "wow I am sorry about that.....I never meant to.....in the future I will be sure to....." But in interpersonal relationships that are complex and a lot of times intimate, the I really think it is the expectations that mess up that totally simple formula. Even in good relationships it can be tricky. But in one where there are some expectations that are in holding and being worked on, things get sticky. Many men/women dont realize that even in the friendly premise where you say " Hey I know you didnt mean to but that really stunk and it hurt my feelings" and they should turn around and say "oh geez, I feel horrible. I didnt mean to make you feel that way. I would never want to hurt your feelings. " that statement alone fixes a lot. NOW if the person knows what they do that hurts you and keeps doing it under the excuse that they dont feel that action merits your feelings being hurt, this is about control IMO. As for you storming out instead of staying and talking it through- what is there to talk about? He knows that these actions hurt you and cant curtail them for some reason. Only he doesnt think he should have to and takes the easy route in blaming you for overreacting rather than searching himself about why he would push these issues with you when everything else is so swell. This type of thing reminded my counselor about a child who had learning difficulties and behavioral problems at home with a sibling. The sibling was scuffling with the older one quite a bit and the older one would knock into him and when the tears started he would say " well I have been bumped at least that hard and it didnt bother me" It was a recurring thing. He measured someone elses pain and boundaries by his own and had no empathy unless they were in line. Funnily enough, my own son has had this issue with me. My shoulder gets overworked through violin and sometimes he wants to lean up on that shoulder and he knows this hurts me. Once he actually said to me "but I dont get it, my shoulder wouldnt hurt if you did that to me. I just want to cuddle with you" and I had to explain that we all have our own levels of discomfort, pain, hurt and that to compare them is to give up on trying to accept and love one another for who we are. We had to snuggle some other way !!
I really wish you luck tonight. I know you will be strong and things will be clearer soon. BIG HUGS Pacsun....
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2007
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 5:42pm

NOW if the person knows what they do that hurts you and keeps doing it under the excuse that they dont feel that action merits your feelings being hurt, this is about control IMO.


Bravo City!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 6:04pm

Hugs for your meeting with BE tonight, and your talk. (step away from the blue eyes... step away from the blue eyes... )


Just be true to yourself, no matter what you guys decide to do from this point. ((((((((hugs))))))))


~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 6:21pm

Wow, City-


You've touched on so much of what I'm feeling. I'm so floored by the input i have received. Somethings that really, really stick out for me are the analogies you use that your counselor told you about. This is my truth, and my pain, and it's so unfair for someone (in this case BE) to tell me how and to what degree I should react.


I have to say that years later these same men have come to me and admitted that they were full of c*ap on these issues and knew it at the time but werent willing to deal and now feel badly about what they put me through


That alone illustrates what I feel to be true. I feel like BE is pushing my limits because we get treated how we allow others to treat us, right? So he is trying to get away with the same actions and trying to get me to not react- have his cake and eat it to. Deep inside, somewhere I KNOW he knows this, I know he realizes he can be

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 6:32pm
What are you hoping happens tonight?



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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 6:51pm

Thanks Shrimps!


I'm taking with me: your hug, Marks reminder in my back pocket, West's and Alison's reality checks (and more wisdom from Alison that she even knows I have absorbed), Soonees mental flashlight, Moons sisterhood, Isy's BTDT experience and tools,

~Pacific~

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