could use a hug
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| Fri, 03-28-2008 - 1:46pm |
....or chocolate or a really great girls night out. Any takers?
I really don't want to get into the details as they are exhausting but I had the biggest argument with BE last night and we are not talking. It had nothing to do with his daughter or her kids. I had last night planned with him and when he suggested staying out till 11pm socializing instead of the "in time" I had asked for I snapped. He claims I made a scene and embarrassed him. He is re-thinking being with me because he feels I am too reactive. I am re-thinking the relationship too because I feel that he triggers me- I get hurt and dissappointed which triggers a snap reaction- and he hates that. I don't know becasue I feel justified in beibg let down.
He asked if I wanted to take some "time out" from each other and

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Dang, Pac... this is so tough on you. ((((((((hugs))))))))) It's obvious you see clearly where the potholes are, and it's obvious that you SOOO want BE to see those same potholes as well (and avoid them)- because you can see just how great his life COULD be if he would just let go of this or that...
But the tough part is- you can't make him avoid those potholes. You can point them out (and you have)- but only HE can choose to avoid them or not. And when you said this:
What is so sad is that if I end things he will truly consciously believe that I am over reacting and not understanding him- because I don't think he will admit it is the alcohol that has again come between us. His addiction will most likely make him believe that it is me- my selfishness- overly sensitive- inflexible- dragging him down. It is sad to me that we could part ways and he would be in a blanket of denial. I care for him so deeply that I want him to be happy and it hurts knowing he can't see, is unwilling to see, the implications.
I do hope you aren't worried too much about how he might see you if things end between you. I think you are aware that what he might see or think- is NOT who you are, because you know you are not selfish or overly sensitive. These potential deal-breakers, Pac- are not things to be taken lightly! They are not tiny little things!
I can see how you are worried about the downhill slide that his life might go, if you weren't around for him anymore- but again- that part is not up to you. It's still up to HIM to make those choices, whether you guys are together or not. If he chooses damaging things after you break up, it's not YOUR fault- but HIS choice. If he chooses these damaging things while you are still together... again- it's not your fault, but HIS choice. You just have to let go either way. I think that is the hardest part, because you love him and want the best for him. But when it comes to these kinds of things (the drinking, his 'want' of partying with his friends, his enabling of his DD)- they are HIS choices. You've already pointed out the potholes to him, and you didn't ignore them, because you love him and want him to SEE... but now that you've done that- they are his choices where he goes next.
Major hugs (and puppy breath),
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16
"after one he asks if we can stay longer like till 11:30". It sucks to have to be the "heavy". The one who says NO. God, i remember that & i SO detested it. & worse was always the WORRY of when will he start to try to talk me into "just one more".
"I either nag and he hates it- or I just sit back like a doormat and get disappointed all the time and feelings hurt?" - Thats the point. You just cant win.
"I suppose that's reasonable but I'm pi**ed because we HAD the discussion before going out...why does he have to push it?" They will always push it Honey, b/c they dont want the rules put upon them. "Why does he have to make me the bad guy??" - b/c as far as HE is concerned, you are a nag b/c 'all he is doing is having a drink to relax, with friends'.
"I think he bought her the beer and stocked his fridge FOR her." This made me sick to my stomach.
But Im adding MY pups pic here - love it. That wrinkly face. 11 yrs ago ... I want him to live FOREVER!!!!
Rebecca, Mom to Averey, 2/8/00, Kibo, Sana & Zuri too!
Tha part about wanting to cause them PAIN.
I will tell you this. I really did love my ex-bf and he had been sober 5 years. I also know you love BE. BUT, alcoholism is a b**** to have to deal with. (My Dad was a functioning alcoholic.) You can't fix it, you didn't cause it and you can't control it.
Even though I missed him terribly and had a very hard time dealing with not being together, I don't miss all the turmoil, doubts, insecurity or worry I had to deal with. Even if you go your separate ways you WILL find your way. Hang in there.
Steph
Yes- the physical desire to hurt him scared me.
I am breathing again. Mostly because I have you all to support me- Alison your words are a much needed splash of water in my face- and I say that with love because it's like going to
But the tough part is- you can't make him avoid those potholes. You can point them out (and you have)- but only HE can choose to avoid them or not.
I know, Shrimps, and it totally sucks being the nurturer and hating to see people hurt. I want him to avoid them but your spot on right- only he can make himself avoid them, even when I point them out. I have to let go of that feae of feeling as if
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