Couldn't Separate My Emotions....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Couldn't Separate My Emotions....
6
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 9:57pm

Okay...just to start, I feel really bad about myself right now...so please go easy on me, so to speak...lol!

Remember the guy that I was involved with about 6 months ago? The guy that told me he loved me, blah blah blah, and then out of the blue decided that he wasn't over his exwife? You know the guy...the only I was completely ga-ga over; he's the brother of one of my friends.

Well...for the last six months I've distanced myself from him. I still go out with his sister and our mutual friend, and occasionally run into him, but other than that its been okay. I think about him, and I really still believe that I have feelings for him...even more so now I guess.

Friday night he had a birthday party at a local place. We all went. Needless to say, we ALL were drinking. When I first got there, I told happy birthday and left it at that. But the whole night he kept looking at me, etc. Well...I got up to go to the bathroom and he grabbed my arm. He told me that he was really glad that I came and wanted to sing a song with me (we were doing kareoke). We ended up singing together, which was okay. Then I was dancing with my girl-friend, and he came up behind me and started dancing with me. Next thing I knew, I found myself totally kissing him, talking to him, and what not.

Before the party was over, we ended up talking, and then a bunch of us got in the car with my sober driver, and went to his house. It was fun...but then all of a sudden he asked everyone to leave, except me. I knew what this was....a booty call.

We ended up talking for about 4 hours and then ended up "hooking up." I know what it was and I know what it wasn't. But I feel horrible now. During our whole conversation, we talked about everything. He told me that he still had feelings for me, but just wasn't ready for something "big." I told him that I wasn't either, that I was busy, but that I did miss him and care about, etc.

After we had sex, I asked him to take me to my car. He wanted me to stay, but I just felt really weird. So, he took me to my car and hugged me. I joked around and said "well...I guess I won't be hearing from you tomorrow." He laughed and said that he might call. I'm not holding my breath or anything.

But I'm not the one night stand kind of person. I don't have casual sex. I thought though...that I could separate the feelings that I had/have for him and just accept things for what they were Friday night. I really wanted to feel close to him and be with him. Now, 2 days later, I feel like a slut. I like him so much though...part of me thinks that I still love him, if that's what it really is. I don't know. Even before Friday night, I've been thinking about him. It kills me to hear when he's dating someone else, etc. I should've been over him, and I knew better, but something in my head said "shutup" and "go for it."

I'm confused. I really do think that he has feelings for me. I'm not basing that on Friday night though...just from things that have been said and I've heard these last few months. I don't want to completely forget about him and move on b/c I want to be with him. It kills me that we're not together. I know that he's not over his exwife yet too...and I don't want anything with him until he is....but more than likely, we'll never have anything.

So, I guess I should just avoid him all together. I say I will, but then when the opportunity comes up I jump and go. I don't want to be a booty call or anything...but part of me wants to be with him (not just sex) so bad that I'll take whatever I can get. Then I think...why do I think so little of myself to do that to myself? I know I deserve more than that. I deserve someone who actually wants to be with me....

I'm hung up on him for some reason. Excluding Friday night, it just seems like after 6 months I wouldn't be thinking about him....

I don't know....whatcha think?

Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 11:00pm

Kait,


It's not your fault, honey.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 8:57am

I think you were in a moment of weakness but totally see the reality of it now.

Being a booty call for him is not going to change the way he feels about his exwife. It is only going to make you still feel empty and bad about yourself. But you learned that - and you won't make that mistake again.

On one hand at least you had a good time and on the other you might want to be a little more careful with drinking when he is around!! :-)

"I deserve someone who actually wants to be with me...." - stick to that mantra and keep working on your school and your career and time with dd. The rest will take care of itself!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 10:42pm

Well...he ended up sending me 2 text messages. One late Saturday and one yesterday. I didn't get either of them until this afternoon.

Anyway...I ended up accidentally forgetting my diamond necklace at his house Friday night. His message said that he came across it and he knew that I would want it, so to just give him a call..which I did. He was really nice on the phone, so I figure everything is okay.

We left it by saying that I would call him tomorrow after I got off work so I could come and get it. However, I got out of class early tonight and called to see if I could just run by on my way home. He said that he wasn't home, but that I could just run in and get it if I wanted too. But, I don't feel comfortable going into his house when he wasn't there, and I told him that. I'll probably go by tomorrow, if I go at all. I might just wait a little while. It's not like the necklace is going anywhere (it does have value to me though).

Anyway...I really do like this guy. Maybe I only like him b/c he's not really "available," emotionally speaking. I don't know. If we did end up together I don't think it would be like it was 6 months ago. It's just like the other night. Being with him wasn't what I expected it to be. It wasn't as special b/c I knew his feelings weren't in it (or his heart rather).

I don't know...but I just wanted to say maybe everthing will be okay. It was just a one time thing. I'll just have to distance myself from him. But I can't help but think about him now, and I know that's my own fault. I'm not the type of person that can just have something casual.

Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 11:02pm

Okay...I know I'm harping on this, but if you haven't already guessed by now, I tend to dwell on things - even things that really have no real meaning...lol...

I really like him. I want him to want to have something with me. I don't know how to go about doing that. I'm not going to pursue him, I'm just going to leave it alone. I know that I can't make something happen with someone if they don't want it to, and vice versa. However, there is definitely a huge spark between us. Everyone keeps saying, "I don't know why you two aren't together," etc. From what people say, ie his sister, sister-in-law, mom, he talks about me all of the time, he does like me, but something is just holding him back.

I feel silly saying all of this and feeling this way. I don't know...have any of you ever been in this type of situation? I really do think that I have strong feelings for this guy. I don't even know why. Part of me keeps saying that I "think" that I like him, want to be with him, etc., b/c he was the first person that really treated me good after my exh left. Maybe in some ways I'm putting him on a pedastal b/c of that. I mean, he's really a good guy....I don't know.

Sorry if I'm getting on everyone's nerves....I caused all of this in the first place....now I want to know what to do to either A) get over it or B) make something come of it.

Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 8:00am

You are not getting on our nerves at all - we all enjoy reading your posts and it is fun to see that you often take our advice and it works!!

How are things going with your exh and the custody - have you made any progress?

With regards to this guy - you have a crush - and that is perfectly natural. I like that you do see the reality of it. I would never advocate waiting around just for him and getting your hopes up because he may never change or he may like someone else.

BUT if you just keep working on all of your stuff and you do not prod and chase him and you have patience - you never know - he may turn around - or you may even meet someone better who is really into you.

I think you have a good head on your shoulders and are in a good place right now. Keep up the good work and keep us posted!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 1:52pm

Kait:

I think Judy has given you good advice. I wouldn't wait for him or pursue him either. Just do your own thing and let him make the moves. If its meant to be, it's meant to be.

When I read your paragraph about how you had feelings for him and you didn't even know why and you wondered if any one else had ever been in that situation -- I thought of myself. Yes, I was in that situation, with my last BF, Mark. We dated for six months, he left, then he called me six months later and we got back together. After our first break up, I never forgot about him. I went about my life doing other things and being with other people, I just never forgot about him, thought about him often, and still had feelings for him. So, six months later, when he called me out of the blue and asked me to take him back, inside I was estatic. Just because you are apart, that doesn't mean you can't have feelings for someone. If you care about someone, you do, whether you are with them or not. Only time heals that kind of hurt. And no, I don't think that in six months you should have gotten over him. Some people need more time than that, especially if you really loved him. But, for your sanity and your mental health, you should not wait for him or pine over him. It's ok to think about him, but don't put your life on hold for him because Judy is right, he may never come around. When I first met Mark, he had just gotten over a relationship and he wanted us to go slowly. That was ok with me, and I let him make all the dates, phone calls, etc., whatever he was comfortable with. He left and then he came back, even though I never called him again or pursued him after he left. The first time he left, he went back to his ex-fiance. He never really was over her when we started dating in the first place. So, be careful. If this guy is not over his ex-wife, things can never work out for you. It will be what it was for me -- a temporary thing, that caused a lot of heartache.

What I'm about to say isn't meant to hurt you at all, just to get you to reflect on yourself. I know exactly how you feel about this guy -- I was the same way. Even after the second time he cheated on me and left me, I still had feelings for him. I still wanted to talk to him and be part of his life -- he had that effect on me. So I don't think it's abnormal for you to feel that way. You can't help how you feel. In fact, the only thing that got me to see reality and get over him was being diagnosed with the STD. That changed everything. And now that it's all over and done with, I can see things for the way they really were. I loved him and we had a great time together -- but now that he is gone and I have met other people, I can say that the two of us would have never worked. It took a lot of soul searching for me to be able to say that. He gave me everything I needed except one thing -- a family. He was never going to be part of my family; he didn't want the responsibility of two children that weren't his. I always thought he would change his mind. Now I know that I was foolish to think that. There's a big difference between a crush and knowing that someone will be with you forever. You have to ask yourself what kind of man this guy is.

Ironically, I still think about Mark, because he's the clown who gave me the STD. So now it's more in a negative way. I also think about him in terms of how I can do myself differently next time. Should I be so eager to believe everything that comes out of someone's mouth; all the promises; and the compliments; are they for real or just lies? He has definitely changed how I think about men and dating and relationships and the whole thing. But, for me, that is a good thing. My sister always said I was too trusting, and this incident with him has gotten me to take a step back and open my eyes a little bit wider to see the whole picture, not just the good things.

I just can't believe how similar you sound to the way I was. Just be careful and follow your gut feelings. Live your life for you, and see what happens. When I got back with Mark, I told myself that I was going to take the risk and have no regrets. Even though I have an STD, I have no regrets about that time in my life. I did what I thought was right, and I can't beat myself up over it. Actually, he really served a purpose in my life -- to be a smarter woman when it comes to relationships.

Never feel bad about posting. Look at me -- I just rambled on and on. My heart goes out to you because I know how you feel. And I can honestly say that only time heals a broken heart. Take care and let us know how you are doing.

Donna