Could've been worse, it was a good day
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| Thu, 04-27-2006 - 4:18am |
Did my best, I'm 27 and have really zero experience.
The woman I am interested = Mary
Her ex = Dave
Mary got to my place (the home I own) about 930a and I had a comlete breakfast made just to her liking. I made everything ladies eggs, bacon, biscuits, etc. She told me that she had said I didn't have to do that but I told her that she didn't say don't do it. We ate, conversation was light and we left to go out to the national park. I had bought bottled water the night before and gave one to her, she smiled (kinda in suprise). She drove the 4runner I bought two days ago and she liked it. I mentioned in the car that I would like to take her to a nice dinner and a show (mystiere or something) on saturday the 13th since that was the last day we might be able to spend together before she leaves on the 16th and I of course got, maybe we'll see.
Got to the park and wandered around the trails and hills. I didn't hold her hand but I did help her up on some rocks and whatnot. We left and headed to the casino. I did try opening the car door for her but she said I didn't have to do that all day. At the casino we had some sodas which she insisted on paying for. I had to work in a couple hrs so alcohol was a no no. We talked and played slots and then she mentioned the smell of Ben and Jerrys. I bought and we sat and ate.
I asked her what happened with Dave and she said he had a really short fuse. This is the third time she has been apart from him, the last time and this time was her breaking it off. I told her I guessed that I was just old-fashioned and she said she enjoyed my nice gestures (car door, etc.). I asked if she would get in trouble for hanging out with me and she said no because we were just hanging out. I asked if she would have stopped me had I tried to kiss her in the car the other night and she said yeah that would have been too much. We talked about the dating and work and she said yes that was definitely a bad thing, work wouldn't tolerate it....her being above me and all.
She played more slots and I did caress her a bit, back and neck rub etc. I wan't pushed away but she gave nothing back that indicated anyting was going on. As we left I told her that no matter how u look at it, going to a very nice dinner and a show was a date. If she was uncomfy with that then we could do something else. She said she thought it would be fun but she had to work til 7 and she wanted to change and whatnot. I basically said where there is a will there is a way and we left it at that.
WE got to my place and she drove me to work. On the way, she talked about how Dave didn't want to work extra hours because that would be living outside his means. I told her that I woked hard for what I have and no one helps me, it is done all on my own. (ladies I work constantly....6 doubles a wk right now). She said, she is one for making some sacrifice to get ahead and she didn't think that I really got to enjoy what I had. I told her I could make time whenever ai wanted but had no reason to accept with her for now and that everytime we had plans, I had arranged to be off work.
Closer to the airport she said, u really think I am that hard to read. I turned down the radio and said yes. "There was a reason last year I asked who you were and that was because I saw something in you. Everything I have said to you has been sincere but I still for the life of me have no idea when ure having fun and how u feel about me. She said she was easy going and easy to please and that she had had a good time. I said, "look I have been working my butt off for ten years to get to what I have and I have never had a real relationship. This is all new to me because I have never taken the time to go after what I wanted. Now I am here and I have no idea how you feel. U laugh at me and say I am funny all the time but yet u can't tell me what that means." Upon leaving the car she was smiling and I asked what that was about...she said I think you're funny, I keep you on your toes.
I tried to keep things light ladies. I still don't know what the laughing and telling me I am funny means but many ppl tell me its a good thing. I had a calm about me after I left that car. I am sitting back and waiting. Not defeated but just patient. I have only known the woman for a month or less and Dave moved out in late FEB. A lady friend of mine suggested that I buy a thinking of u car and put a carnation in there with it if I don't hear form her in the next 4 to 5 days. The problem is we see eachother at work almost daily. The ball is in her court. She knows I want to take her out before she leaves and thats that. If she comes to me then ok. I am simply patient now. I don't think I have been perfect by any means....lots of mistakes...but all in all a good day. I have done all the little things.
Am i far off assuming she might be confuses. Unsure of me and how I might be with her daughter. Confused because the ex is around all the time and here she just up and meets me. Maybe she doesn't want to risk the job since she has a little one at home.
Thanks
Aces
PS When she asked me about the last girl I was wtih is that probing at my sexual lifestyle?

Can we clone you? Seriously, you sound like such a GREAT guy. This is what we call "into her" so to speak.
I still cannot tell one way or the other what is in her head. Time is what you need. I think the hike was a good idea because it got you both outside and doing something fun and different.
It seems that she is thinking about things and maybe something will click but she is not saying yes yet. I still urge you to go slow.
Keep us posted!
First of all let me say that you sound like a really nice person and I'm sure there are women out there who would give their left.... for a guy like you. I'm going to talk to you just as I would my brother if he were in the same situation. I think you may be setting yourself up to get hurt here because you are putting all your emotional eggs in one basket. First of all it's obvious(as it should be) that she's not over her ex nor has she dealt with all the emotions of her breakup(that could take years). That's a huge factor to consider. She works with you and has indicated that it's against company policy and her own policy to date a co-worker(BIG RED FLAG). That says a lot, even if she were ready to date again your working relationship would stop her. She has also said little comments here and there (I won't pick them all apart) that indicates although she may like you as a person, she dosen't necessarily see you as relationship material for her. I think she is giving you loud and clear signals that she just wants to be friends.
I would find ways to get out there socially and persue other avenues that will help you focus on other things besides her, maybe meet someone who is availible for you. Who knows by concentrating on yourself and cultivating other interest you may end up becomming more attractive to her and in the future who knows? Now is not the time for you and her and there may never be a time for you and her. By working on yourself you will be better equipped to handle any outcome.
I wish you all the best.
I hate to say it but I really don't think she is interested in having a relationsip with you.
Im sure she likes you as a friend, afterall you really go out of your way to do things for her and adding special touches etc, an ego boost for anyone im sure, but she is giving you nothing to go on in terms of taking it further. In fact she said that had you kissed her it would have been too much and also that work would not permit it. Both comments are basically telling you nothing will develop between you.
I know you said with regards to the breakfast that she said you didn't have to do it but you said she never said not to do it, well sometimes its hard telling someone not to do something they obviously want to do for you so we take the easy way out and say you dont have to bother, hoping you'll take the hint and just leave it alone.
I know you like her so of course are trying to read the good in everything she does but I think her actions and words are telling you she isn't interested in that way and you need to see that.
I know this isnt what you want to hear and of course, I could be wrong but I honestly think from what you have said that you need to move on and forget about having a relationship with her. You have made her your be all and end all and she may use this to her advantage. You need to take a step back, not be so eager to please her all the time and then see what happens when it comes down to her moving away.
Good luck
Edited 4/27/2006 11:36 am ET by dillydrip
while the things u all say may not be what I want to hear, I appreciate them because they are what I NEED to hear. Honestly, how difficult is it for a woman to just say no. Why all the open ended answers to questions. Yeah, she said no to the kiss basically but we both realize when she leaves that she no longer will be my superior and things are completely different. About the dinner date, how come she can't come clean and just say look, I am interested in being friends and that is taking it too far...that would be a nice way of saying no. Or then again since she knows I am blunt and honest a no would work. These open ended situations confuse me immensely. I would find it hard to move on but at least I would know from her exactly where I stand. Right now is definitely not the right time for something I completely agree. The more I hear from you all the more I realize her signals for no, I just wish she would come out and say it. I will try to move forward but it will be hard. She did mention that when I help her move, the ex would be there right along side me probably. She obviously is reeling over that and now is a good time to be a friend.
Is it too much to put a thinking of you card on her desk in 5 days or so (if I don't hear from her which I figure I won't) saying have a great week with a carnation in it? Nothing over the top just a little something. I guess I will really find out where things can or can't go come the 13th. She definitely could make that happen if she wanted to and then again she could use work as an excuse not to. I guess then I will have the ultimate answer.
Thanks again and if you could take the time to just answer these last few questions above I would appreciate it.
SNOW! where is your comment on the whole thing?
Aces
"Honestly, how difficult is it for a woman to just say no"
I guess that could be asked of both sexes, not just women. Some men are also notorious for making out they are interested and basically leading women on.
She probably isnt say no outright to you because you are making it so obvious how much you like her and she no doubt does not want to hurt you at all so is trying to be nice as pie in the hope you'll realise she isnt interested without having to say anything. Its a cowards way unfortunately but usually one done with the best intentions.
"Is it too much to put a thinking of you card on her desk in 5 days or so (if I don't hear from her which I figure I won't) saying have a great week with a carnation in it? Nothing over the top just a little something"
Personally I would say no, this wouldnt sit well with me. Its just trying too hard and would make me feel uncomfortable. If anything, just give her a call and say have a great week, none of these fancy gestures.
I think deep down you already have the ultimate answer but because you like her so much, you are holding out for things to improve. The bottom line is she isnt ready at the moment for anything other than friendship so you need to just be a friend for her, not keep trying to impress her with all these thoughtful little gestures. She will appreciate a good and honest friend more than a man trying to woo her all the time.
Allright, Aces, I read ahead this time, and I have to say that I completely agree (mostly, haha) with the majority here.
She's probably a very nice person, since I betcha you're a HELLUVA nice guy, and you'd pick a nice person to be with. She isn't ready.
She isn't for you. Maybe she just isn't for you right now. Maybe she'll never be for you. I am a firm believer in fate, and if this relationship is meant to be, at some point, it WILL be. But, for now, I'd say it's a definite no-go.
You're such a sweetheart, you could be putting all of this energy into someone who would appreciate, respect, and return your affections.
I think as far as the flower and card go, NO. She knows how you feel. She feels friendly. So, when she leaves, tell her goodbye. Mean it.
By the way, do you have any brothers or cousin in the Northeast?? LOL- kidding, mostly...
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Sorry adopted lil' bro, I was in class :P (although technically, you are not that much younger than me!)
"PS When she asked me about the last girl I was wtih is that probing at my sexual lifestyle?"
Okay, no. But how funny of a spin is that? It clearly indicates "guy thinking/interpreting vs. girl thinking/interpreting. :)
The majority of us don't care/bother to pry into your sex life until we are truly in a relationship with you. It's tacky and taboo beforehand. ;) She was asking about relationships in general. She was probably curious about your last girlfriend or how often you date, and why it ended/didn't work out, etc. That's more than likely where she was going with that. See, now you know for future reference. :)
Aces, let her lead now. No more "spoiling" so-to-speak. You may be old-fashioned, but she might not be into that sort of thing. And I agree, there are plenty of women out there who are DYING to meet a guy like you.
I think you did a lot of things right. Nice things. Things girls appreciate. But from now on, mark my (and everyone else's words) the cooler and more toned down you are, the better things will be between both of you. It does sound like it was a fun time for both of you. I think she probably is in some inner conflict and she sounds as if she most definately has leftover feelings for her ex. Let her work through them. I know how badly you want to be her "go to" guy, but don't let her get you down if things don't turn out that way. There is nothimg magical that you can do that will change her mind if she has decided that she can't date you, no matter what the reason is. And also remember this, there is nothing wrong with you being yourself. If you are not her type, you have no reason to feel bad about that. If it doesn't work out with her, that just gives you an opportunity to make it work with someone else.
Rememeber too, she has a LOT on her plate right now with the move. New place, new people, new everything. Does she know people where she's going?
The laughing and stuff means that she does enjoy being around you. She likes you as a friend already, so you don't have to "try" for that. You already are. So I say if you want to be able to spend time with her without it being weird, do friend things. Treat her like you normally would at work. There's no reason why you can't joke around with her like you always do. You were honest with her about how you felt, but the dynamics have not changed. You don't have to avoid her like the plauge or worry that you don't know what to say to her. Treat her like any other work friend and let her intitiate things beyond that from now on.
Also, think in this direction: try and put yourself in her shoes at all times. Think about how you would react if the roles were reversed. (If you haven't already) You will probably think of a lot of reasons why things would feel overly complicated for her right now. I think where romance is concerned, it just might not be the right time in her life. From the way things are, it doesn't seem like she has a lot of romantic interest in you, but she definatly has a lot of friend interest. If you can be "just a friend" to her, and you truly like her as a person, you should. But if you can't handle that role, due to jealousy, or not being able to contain your feelings, or whatever, you know what you have to do.
Even if this doesn't work the way you hope, you are learning some very valuable things that you will be able to carry with you for the future.
--snow, a true believer in everything happens for a reason
Aces,
Ok, here's my thoughts...
She's not ready to date.