Couple steps forward, a step back
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Couple steps forward, a step back
| Thu, 01-17-2008 - 12:43pm |
OK CNDG (Cute Newly Divorced Gal) told me she wants to step back from the relationship and
| Thu, 01-17-2008 - 12:43pm |
OK CNDG (Cute Newly Divorced Gal) told me she wants to step back from the relationship and
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Hey, Mark -
Ah, so that explains your sense of her kind of pulling away in another post.
Mark-
As I selected the hug icon I also wanted to add the celebration one. And that is only because I am happy at how you can and do grow with your personal interactions...even in the midst of disappointment. I am very sorry because despite how you feel and know the positives of knowing and growing from one another, there is still that sadness of not making things "work" as far as moving forard in intimacy, etc.
Your amazing, your attitude and your comapssion and everything we all get to learn from you here. And I know you must feel a bit down today. One thing I feel 100 percent certain about is that an equally amazing woman is going to come into your life and she is going to see quite a great guy, and she will have zero reservations.
Hugs-----
Awww - sorry to hear of your news. But I think you two learned a lot from each other in such a short time.
"Right now I am bummed out for part of my growth and desire is to have a partner that wants that physical and sexual intimacy that I really have not had much in my life."
You will find that - you are a great guy with a lot of relationship and communication knowledge and have a lot to offer.
For now you have a great friend who was so nice to explain her feelings and keep a friendship - and we can all use more friends and nice people in our lives that way.
I really appreciate your kind words Pacific Sun.
Thanks for the nice post and compliments.
Yeah I can comfort myself with the friendship thing... but for now I am still dealing with the bummed out feelings.
Tonight I'll workout and probably call one of my "girlfriends" to share how I feel.
Hi Mark,
That is too lucky that you have a girlfriend to commiserate with. Relationships and dating are such a HUGE pain. I know!
Hopefully you will comfort her, too!! She is lucky to have your ear.
Oh yes no surprise with CNDG. I have experienced women who find that they are going too fast for their "pace," place in life, consciousness, and willingness. The fact she was in a 12 yr marriage and just divorced made me NOT want to create any sort of connection with her other than as an occasional activity partner and that was the reason why she was not interested in any sort of dating. Fate intervened and here we are.
CNDG is such a conscious woman that she knows enough about herself (it's all about me not you Mark) that she wants to slow down. We talked about this before we got to this point. No surprise for me but still it has been a disappointment.
My growth points are to be able to sit with the feeling(s), be patient, and not be attached to any outcomes.
I don't like using the term/label "soulmate" or any other label for that matter. I do recognize according to one of your definitions that CNDG is one of those though. I already feel that we both can learn from each other on the sexual side of the spiritual growth. I see our sexuality as part of our soul, being, and Self so my desire is to integrate that part of me with the rest of me for I have segmented that out and put it aside for most of my life. I also know that American culture looks as our sexual self as totally separate from the other parts of us.
Right now I'll work on being at peace with What Is. I will allow her (as if I had any choice) to go through in her process and trust in that.
Thanks for your perspective.
Mark
--
May your soul be at rest.
May your heart remain open.
May you realize your own true nature.
May you be healed.
May you be a source of healing for the world. - a zen prayer
Thanks Judy. Funny thing is I met K last year on New Year's via Myspace. She is the hottest looking I have ever met personally. She values my friendship because I'm the only guy friend who does not want to sleep with her. Plus she likes that I don't judge her (she was going with this married guy).
I somehow have this capacity to turn off this below-the-belt thinking (I attribute that to my 19 yr marriage LOL) when I know that a woman is not available. SometimesI wonder if I have that capability left as I age however with CNDG she certainly has dispelled that notion.
Mark
From my blog:
Why I Crave Intimacy
I have just entered into this amazing relationship which caused me to think that maybe, just Maybe that I will have the emotional, sexual, physical, spiritual kind of intimacy I have longed for in my life. Now that I can actually can conceive that there is a possibility, a chance that I can co-create that in my life, I have paused to exam what exactly do I mean by intimacy and why do I crave it so?
I pulled two books off my shelf recently. One titled "Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment" and the other "Stumbling on Happiness." I turned to the latter book to look up what is the author's definition of happiness for isn't that the reason why I want intimacy so badly? To be happy? I did not really find any real satisfactory definition but I don't really need that do I?
Intimacy is closeness. I want to be close to someone. The way I see it, in order to do that I need to know who they are down to their core self and they need to know me that way as well. I read somewhere that most of us say we want intimacy but what we really mean is that we want the other person totally and lovingly *accept* who we are down to our core.
In "Keeping the Love You Find," Harville Hendrix posits that we all seek that feeling of aliveness, to feel fully alive and to express that aliveness. He talks about us seeking that in relationships.
I guess that is what I seek also, that aliveness and something else. I come to sum up what are the most important things to have in my life are peace and joy. That aliveness is the joy. I see that to truly accept and love myself will bring me peace. The intimacy I seek is with myself. Aha! What an epiphany! So shouldn't I sequester myself and meditate every spare hour that I have to get to that place of total self-knowledge and self-acceptance? The problem with that is that it is counterintuitive to do if I want to have joy, i.e. aliveness in my life as well.
The author asserts (in passages that I underlined), "We must restore the split-off and denied parts of ourselves that we lost in childhood, and heal the numbness and pain and perceived threats to survival that dampen our feeling of aliveness and filter out our awareness of our connection to others and the cosmos. The most effective way I know to accomplish that is through our love relationships. … Relationships pave the way for us to recapture our wholeness by correction the distortions of care taking and socialization that distanced us from our original selves. It is in unconditionally loving our partner, making it safe for them to open to love, letting that love sink in over time so that trust can build, that allows their fullness to come back into being, so that they can feel their oneness, their totality. … It is the love we give that heals our partner, and the love we receive that heals us."
So going back to my not just wanting intimacy but craving that, I see that as the passageway to both peace AND joy.
The woman I am connected to is a mirror to me for she is so like me in so many ways. She is reflecting back to me the qualities that are in me. In being intimate with her is being intimate with myself. Accepting her is accepting myself. That is the path to my peace and that too, it seems, the path to aliveness, to joy.
As I state it here, it all seems so simple and straightforward. But relationships are messy and non-linear and *I* am messy and sometimes non-linear as well. Plus I do know deep down that I have healing to do and my natural defenses are fear and avoidance. I am committed in making my life one of joy and aliveness. I am willing to dive in with courage and conviction, through the fear and everything else to BE intimate and therefore co-create that with my mirror self. Of course she must be willing to do so as well, hence the trickiness and the uncertainty of my journey, my adventure, my quest.
I know this is (one of) my purpose in my life, to be fully alive and have peace at my core for from that I can bring all my gifts and self to the world to make it a better place beyond me.
==
CNDG's response:
Whew, boy! You said it all so poignantly! The passage you quoted states it to a "T". The problem with being so safe and snug in my cotton cocoon is the 'aliveness' that I miss. Fear and avoidance is so much easier, yet waaay less fulfilling.
You're right, we want to be ALIVE, we want to FEEL. It seems so scary on this side of the healing, though. I AM reluctant. Good thing you are persistent, patient, understanding, and conscious!
Mirrors are funny. Sometimes you see a fabulous image gazing back at you and sometimes you'd rather turn out the lights and pretend what you see isn't really there. It's at those times that we need to look closer and rediscover the true self. Realize that the image has been distorted by pain, joylessness and self-criticism. We need to look lovingly at the shadowed image and smile at it. When it responds with a self-conscious shy smile, we can encourage self-acceptance. These things take time, to be sure. I have a feeling it is time well spent if the result is to finally flip on the light and see joy radiating back. Then we know that healing has finally taken place. We will know that hesitation will no longer be a barrier to being joyfully alive.
I have spent over 20 years weaving this cotton cocoon. It's already unraveling despite my best efforts at trying to keep it snug around me. I withdraw and try to pull it up tight and your kindness and compassion causes the other side to let loose. That's okay. Just know that I do eventually want to emerge. It will take time. Be assured that it will happen, though. Painful? Yes. Cautious? Yes. Necessary? Absolutely!
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