Crush or midlife crisis??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Crush or midlife crisis??
6
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 12:28am

I just have to say...I have the HUGEST crush on this guy at work. Maybe I am having a midlife crisis of sorts, I am 40, (almost) divorced, work 2 jobs and have full custody of my 3 kids. He is 30ish, didn't finish college, waits tables nights and plays golf days. And cute as can be, and on my mind all the time! We chat at work all the time, and part of me thinks I should go for it, and have some fun. He is definitely not long-term relationship material, but I just want to take him home with me!! And the kids are with their dad this weekend, and we both work tomorrow night, and I'm not 100% sure but I think it is a mutual crush. Maybe I should just get it out of my system! Thoughts??

Jessie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 10:00am

Jessie,

Personally, I could never do a "let me take you home" type of deal. No matter what I told myself, I would still be hoping (and eventually, expecting) for the guy to fall madly in love with me and for all of those relationship obstacles to suddenly not matter. But that's just me.

I can see why he'd interest you at this point. You work so hard and have so much responsibility. Looking at the other side of the fence- at the carefree life- would make anyone pine for a taste. What is that you really want? This guy? Or more fun and a little less stress in your life? If it's the latter, then a roll in the hay with this guy won't satisfy what is bothering you. If it truly is a crush that is weighing on you, then that's a different story.

Step back and think about what this guy represents to you. I have to be honest, just reading about him annoys me, because of his being so carefree (aka, in my mind, irresponsible). If that is normally the kind of thing that bothered you, then I imagine that, after the mystery is gone, it would bother the hell out of you just to be around him. And then you have to work with him. If it isn't the kind of thing that bothered you, again, that's different.

Just things to consider. Good luck and have some fun, whatever your decision!

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 10:17am
I think you have to go with your gut. If you think you can be okay with a no-strings fling and just have fun and that be that, then go for it and have a blast. If you think you might want more or that it might be messy to end it once you are done with him, then don't.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 10:08pm

Amy, I think you hit the nail on the head...I am pining for a more carefree lifestyle. And, that lack of responsibility on my ex's part is largely what caused the deterioration of my marriage. So I do really have to think about what I want. Yes, it is a crush but now I'm wondering if it's the person or the lifestyle I am interested in. Not that I would trade away the responsibility of my kids, ever, but I am very envious of people who have time for themselves. I would be so so happy even if I just got every other weekend.

On the other hand, I really don't want to be in a serious relationship. But it would be great to just have some fun once in awhile, just for me!

Either way, I didn't go for it this weekend, and my ex is leaving town for a month so I won't have another opportunity any time soon. So for now, it's just me and my imagination :)

Jessie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 8:48am

I totally agree with this post.

(edited: I was going to ask you what you did but then read your last response) It sounds like you made a good decision.

Hang in there for the next month - you sure sound like you deserve some R&R!




Edited 4/4/2005 8:50 am ET ET by west1745
Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 4:53pm
I agree with what firstamendment said. I have had FWB's and I have one now that is 6 yrs younger then me, but also younger. I think it's a great boost and without the feeling of being in a mid-life. HOWEVER! Every FWB I had I investigated. I spent time with them, hinted, watched, listened, watched, etc. I made sure that when I started something, that I could walk away from it without getting shattered. It's sort of an art. I am someone that gets quickly emotionally involved, that is why I take at least 3 months to a year until I make that decision. The guy I have now, I knew already from his sister, so I knew what to watch. Then I met him by accident at a street cafe. I knew right away who he was from the car and his description. I was just getting rid of a stalker at the time when he eased dropped on a conversation. We got to talking, then we started going out, then friends, then talking some more. I watched everything and anything he did to make sure how not to misunderstand him. Only after 3 months did I MAKE the decision, not him. He would of tried the second he met me. I put him off and off and off and when he finally gave up and he settled for friendship, it was THEN I knew I could go for a FWB and keep it. It's been almost a year and we have a great time together. We can just go and have coffee or we just talk, we call every so often to see how each of us is doing, but every 6-8 weeks we know that it's time to just go between the sheets. We adore each other. He says I am the only woman he truly respects because I am so honest and straight to the point with no games. Most of the men that I have had that sort of relationship with, were in the same thought. I respect them and they do me. We've ended in some great friendships with no feelings hurt. But, like I said. It's an art. You can't get involved. You have to take it for what it is. A little playtime fun and back to the normal everyday routine afterwards. He is absolutely NO RELATIONSHIP material. All my friends hate and despise him, because he comes off as a huge player, which he is, but he makes me feel sexy and he is a true gentlemen when we are together. He has never been any less.
I don't think having a FWB makes you less respectable or not if you know how to do it and get away with it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 9:53pm
You know, I had a FWB and it could have been really great. This was someone I had known for years while I was married, liked, respected and was really really attracted to. So we were out one night for drinks after flirting with each other for awhile, and decided to do FWB since neither of us really wanted much more. (OK, I sort of wanted more, but sort of not) So anyway, we talked about it A LOT and decided to go back to his place for the benefits part of the friendship. We get there and the house is immaculate, not a cup or pillow out of place, beds made...nothing like my house. So right off the bat I'm thinking, we'll never go to MY house for this. Anyway, the benefits were outstanding, except as it turned out my friend liked to talk all the way through (he is a criminal defense atty, makes his living by talking s*** if you know what I mean, trying to convince the jury that the evidence is false or questionable) but in this case he likes to TALK s***, I'll let you use your imaginations but there is not much he didn't say, almost like an uncontrollable, turrets type of thing. Of course it was really hard for me to not laugh, and all I could end up thinking was "Thank God this was FWB and didn't occur after dating for a long time". Too bad because believe me the benefits were outstanding the times he WASN'T talking. Hmmm, maybe I'll give him a call this weekend to take my mind off the one at work...