Custody issues, seeking opinions

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Custody issues, seeking opinions
7
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 9:05am

I left my ex when our son was 2 months old, divorced 6 months afterwards (the courts require 6 month waiting period when a child is involved. He was abusive and alcoholic with physically violent tendencies beginning to show. He was also cheating on me throughout the pregnancy. Shortly after I divorced him he married the other woman and they had a daughter (about 9 months younger than my son....) I have full physical custody of our son, we have joint legal custody.

For the first 3 years of my sons life. My ex had supervised visitation and saw our kid weekly. I generally saw the supervised visits as good. I never had to have contact with the father, so I felt safe. He was kind of a crazy one slashing my tires etc.

After 3 years these visits diminished and now we have not heard from him in 9 months in any way shape or form, except that we do receive child support which has been garnished from his wages. he missed birthday Christmas, etc... Not a single phone call or request for a visit. The courts granted me permission to leave the state for graduate school so there is some geographic distance between us, but I had offered to do the travel so they could see eachother on some occasions like Christmas Holidays. No response...

I pulled up his criminal record to see if he was in some kind of trouble here is what I found:

2003 Convicted of domestic assault
2004 Convicted of DUI
2005 Convicted of domestic assault
2006 Convicted of DUI with minor child in car and in posession of controlled substances.

I want to sever legal ties with this guy. I will still accept limited supervised visits between him and the child, but he's out of control, best I can objectively see. I talked to the "friend of the court," the appointed agency that represents children in custody cases in Michigan, and the case worker said to let sleeping dogs lie, that he has all but dissappeared and not to force the issue and stir things up just because I do have a strong case. I see wisdom in this advice, but a part of me just wants to get it over with. I have taken no action, but I thought maybe some objective opinions would help me make a move or not make a move with more confidence that I am doing the right thing for my son.

Thanks so much.
UberS

Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 9:29am
Since any visitation already has to be supervised I think I agree with the case worker. I'd just keep things like his criminal record and a visitation record in a file to have handy in case you do need to open this can of worms down the road. What would you really gain from severing the legal ties?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 10:38am

I am the type of person who likes to have everything super organized, all ducks in a huddle and no loose ends. I have a specific trust and will so that DS will be taken care of no matter what happens to me.

With that said, here is what I would be inclined to do. I would try to gain sole custody so that if something happened to me, DS would not end up on the door of a drunk father. I would set up a trust and will so that someone is in charge of everything I have and manages it until DS turns of age.

If there was a way to do that without making the dad feel like he is no longer the father I would try to respect that. I am not knowledgeable of all the legal jargon - but I would seek out an attorney to help me.

If I could maintain child support and supervised visitations I would. I would just want to know that if I die my child is taken care of and that no drunk man would come and take him away.

That is just me. I am sure others here are more experienced with this particular situation and can be of help, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 12:05pm

My concern would be that he'd end up being psycho to you again, simply because he could and you angered him.

At the same time, you want to permenantly remove him from your life for the same reasons. I would think hard about this, since you've actually spoken to someone affiliated with the court system.

Good luck, and let us know what you decide to do.

Moody, who would be thinking hard


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 12:06pm

If he does ever show up again and ask to see your son in person I'd call the cops immediately. You'd be surprised that all you have to say is "I'm not sure if he has a weapon and he might even be on drugs"...they will come immediately and have to do all the testing right at that point, (my best friend's husband is a cop).

At the very least you can have a back up plan to make sure your son is protected but stirring the pot is only going to wake the lion. ESPECIALLY if he's so unstable he was driving with his own child while intoxicated!

Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 1:25pm
Good point - I didn't think about what could happen if something happened to ubersilly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 2:24pm

The thing is that I set my trust up so that if something happens to me, my sister manages the money for DS until he is of age and then it is doled out as needed as he ages. It does not go to exh.

I had a good lawyer - a friend from HS - who set it all up and he really made me thing through the process. He also gave me a deal.

But I don't have near the problems as ubersilly. Fortunately for us, exh is sober and a great dad.

I can understand how ubersilly has to worry that she will unleash a violent monster with this. I was hoping she could find a lawyer who could do it quietly. But I guess such a thing cannot be done so quietly. But maybe it can be worded a little less harsh?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2006
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 6:48pm

OMG!!! Your story reminds me so much of my own! My exh is a drunk, cheated on me, and was abusive. The custody issue, same as yours. He married the lover and has a daughter with her too.

He never was a good father. Months pass between visits to our son. I just let it rest, and I think so should you. On one hand, I feel pain each time my son asks to see his father (which is almost everyday), but on the other hand, I feel he is sooooo much safer in my care than in that of his father's (he drove drunk with our son too and I tried to stop the court from granting him taking our son to his house overnight. He has two nights a month that he can have DS sleep over, he just doesn't pick him up anymore).

I wouldn't worry too much cause the visits are supervised anyway. I wasn't that lucky, but I know God takes care of things and if his father doesn't show up, in a way it's better cause he is so negligent, so I just let it rest.