Dangerously close to Fatal Attraction
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| Tue, 08-08-2006 - 10:08pm |
Ok, so I'm not about to boil his dog (he doesn't have a rabbit), but I am just so angry at xbf! And I don't know why. He's just a big jerk, so why can't I cut my losses and just move on?
Some history...Friday night I went to happy hour with all my work friends, including xbf. I got drunk and, well, let's just say that everyone in that bar knows that I'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend, who happened to be within earshot during each drunken declaration. It was so hard because the night I fell in love with him we were at a bar with our friends and I remember looking across the bar and watching him play pool and that was it - I knew I was in love with him. So add a little (or a lot) of rum and I was bound to make a fool of myself. And to add to it, he kept giving me those longing glances all night. He'd smile at me and flirt a little, just as he's been doing the last few weeks at work. So my suspicions about us being headed back together were confirmed, or so I thought.
So he ended up taking me home, due to my overindulgence. We left the bar at 9:30 and he seemed really eager to get out of there. So I thought...well, you know what I thought! But he didn't even walk me to my door. And he was so cold on the drive back to my house. So I took the hint, totally confused, and went inside my apartment and passed out (kids were with their dad) The next day I called xbf and said "look, you've got me in limbo. What's the deal?", or something to that effect. He told me that he just wants to be single because he needs to be selfish right now and he doesn't want to worry about someone else's feelings. I freaked. I turned into total psycho ex-girlfriend. He'd rather be selfish than be with me??!!!! I then spent the next ten minutes berating him for hurting me. I told him he lied to me and he strung me along and that he should have just broke up with me after the first two months, instead of pretending to love me for 6 months after that. I said I wished I'd never met him, because even though the first 2 months of our relationship were incredible, it wasn't worth the rejection and hurt that came later. I asked him why he has been flirting with me if he doesn't want to get back together. He said because he still wants to be my friend, that he enjoys talking to me, but he can't make me happy and be who I want him to be (in his kind, yet snide way that said my expectations are too high). I told him that was a crock of crap and he's too much of a coward to admit that he stopped loving me. Then I said that he can't have my friendship, because I'm in love with him and I will always want more. So I told him to leave me alone and not talk to me and to just pretend that I don't exist, oh but that shouldn't be too hard because he didn't realized I existed when we were dating (yes, I actually said that...ugh).
Ok, so either I have serious PMS or I need some professional help. What is wrong with me? I've been skulking around work, shooting him dirty looks and mouthing bad words in my cubicle. Every time I hear him laughing I wish I had a little voodoo doll at my desk. I was doing so well with all of this, but I just can't let him go. He doesn't love me. Yes, he was a jerk for pretending otherwise, but that is a reflection on him, not me. He treated me, and my daughters, like crap. So why do I still want him? And if I supposedly love him, why do I want to see him miserable? Why do I hope he's alone and miserable for the rest of his life and one day he'll think back to me and know what an idiot he was to let me go? What purpose would that serve?
I alternate between fantasies of him realizing he loves and proclaiming it in an amazing Hollywood-esque type moment and fantasies of him suffering from any number of uncomfortable ailments.
Oh, I really don't like this pyscho stuff. I just want to get on with my life...if only I didn't have to see him every day. Any thoughts? Am I really crazy or has anyone else gone through this?

You aren't crazy - but you are hurting a lot.
Lostbee - sorry to hear you are in such pain. I agree with what Jennie writes here.
You have to let this go and realize he is not the one. BUT the GREAT thing about that is now that you are not wasting time with him then you are going to find someone even better.
Somehow you have to find a way to cut off contact with him and heal. Seeing him everyday at work is very hard - and that is the challenge. You have to know that you did the best you could and gave it your best shot but he is not capable of fulfilling your needs. You two are not a match.
I think you had to go through this so you could know that there is no further chance and now when your nerves settle you will let it go and move on.
Try to focus on something else so you can fill the void of the time you used to spend. Avoid bars where you will see him. Do not have any interaction with him where you are not speaking about NECESSARY work-related stuff. Do not read anything into his looks. You two obviously had a physical attraction and he is probably just missing the sex.
Good luck - we are here for daily vents!!
Thanks, ladies for the kind words and advice. I know this happens to women every day, but it is the first time it has happened to ME. And I can't let go of the first 2 months, when we were so happy! He would just hold me for hours, kiss my forehead and cry because he was so overcome with love. He'd write poetry and send me e-cards. One time at work I was upset over some crap my ex husband was trying to pull and xbf pulled me out of my cubicle and lead me to the elevator, just so he could hug me and tell me I'm strong enough and that he will always be there for me, no matter what. Well, I found out 2 days ago that the entire reason he stopped loving me is because 2 months into our relationship I did something that he construed as "needy" and everything came to a screaching halt. It was like a switch was turned off, but he still tried to force himself to love me for 6 months after that. Some "no matter what" huh? Oh, and he's mad at me now because I'm not "grateful" to him for all his efforts.
I just can't let go of the anger, and I want to. I want to forgive him and just move on with my life. He doesn't love me, and after the way he treated me and my kids, I should be fine with that. I guess time will help. I've also decided to put my resume out to a few places and see if anything comes up. I know in my heart of hearts that if I didn't have to work with him I'd be well on my way to putting this all behind me. Because sitting here, when he is far away, I am so repulsed by the things he did and didn't do, and by the way he brushed me off and ignored me. And I can see this as a blessing. But when I see him I alternate between wanting to run into him arms and wanting to slap him several times.
Well, anyone can feel strong feelings of infatuation the first two months of a relationship. He sounds like one of those serial daters who only dates someone for 2 or 3 months and then drops them when they see the real thing - that you are a real human who does make mistakes and who does have needs and you are not a fairy princess.
The serial daters/noncommitters usually start out real fast and real thick and real emotional right off the bat - this is super dangerous for those who are in a needy point in their lives - who are not strong on their own.
Real love happens much further along in the relationship when you find out things that disappoint you about another person and then you accept those as part of who they really are. I have seen this in a few of my friends who are dating and have found the one - they have started out as great friends and just built up good memories and trust - none of this super emotional fast stuff in the beginning like you see in Hollywood.
I think the most important thing about my 2 friends and their super great dating relationships is that both of these girls are totally true to themselves and who they are. They are not trying to please anybody - they just have great lives. And both guys just dig them for who they really are. They started slow and built the relationship from the ground up - from doing normal things and participating in each others lives through family and friends. No wild sex right off the bat either. That is what I want the next time around, too.
It is not you, it is him and some elusive princess in his head that he wants who will sit on a shelf and do everything according to his plan. Hopefully you have learned a lot about yourself and the dating process and most important what you have to have for the next time around.
I think it is an absolutely GREAT idea that you will put your resume out there. Maybe you will find a better job with more opportunity. Then it will really be easy to forget about him.
Sometimes really seemingly REALLY inconvenient or disappointing things happen in our lives - and then they push us to do something better. I think this is the case with you. He is a catalyst for you to find the job and man of your dreams.
You mentioned PMS as kind of a joke in your first posting. But, if you are in the danger days of the month, then that could be greatly contributing to your mood. The alcohol didn't help either.
It's too bad that you have to work with that guy. I really think it would be easier to let go if you didn't have contact with him.
Don't beat yourself up over the psycho ex-girlfriend thing. We've all done that once or twice. Just try to steer clear of that guy and do not ever call him again. I would skip office happy hours for a while too. (you might be able to find a professionals group in your area that has happy hours....if you really want to go to one after work sometime)
In your case it didn't and everyday you see him you want him. Not only does seeing him everyday do this to you but the fact that he acts interested and pretty much cant even tell you straight up he doesn't want you is hard to handle. He tells you that he needs to be alone but doesn't even say he doesn't like you, love you or want you. He tells you he needs to be selfish and you need to tell him you're right you are selfish because you say you dont want to have to worry about someone else's feelings then he's doing a good job because he's not worrying about yours at all. If you want any advice, my advice would be to drop h im and never look back, regardless of how hard that is, you need to do this for yourself so you can move on to bigger and better things in the love dep't.