Date Last Night

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2005
Date Last Night
8
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 8:55am
I went out with a guy I met through OLD last night. I really wasn't holding out much hope for this one. He is younger than I am, (25!) has a child, but from our emails and phone calls, he seemed to be still very much in the wanting to go out and party all the time mode. Of course he's a car salesman, and I am familiar with the life most of them lead because my XH was a car salesman for a while. We met at a resturant which usually isn't very busy, but for some reason it was packed last night, and we had to wait over an hour. He had a couple phone calls early in the evening from his friends wanting him to come hang out and play cards with them later, but he didn't give an answer one way or the other. We had a nice dinner, even though conversation was kind of awkward, and neither one of us was really ready for the evening to end. So we decided to go to a movie, and when we got there, we had to wait an hour for the next round of movies to start. We sat down and started talking again, and it was much smoother that time. We had more in common than I originally thought. His friends called again, and he told them that he was with me and wasn't coming and not to call him back tonight. I kind of got the impression that he wants to try to get away from all the partying, but doesn't really know how to tell his friends so. He had told them Friday night that he didn't want to go out, but they showed up at his door and insisted, so he went for a little while. He does seem to be a lot more responsible than I originally thought, like they did stay out extremely late the other night knowing they had to work the next day, but he drove one of his friends home because he was drunk, and he actually got up and went to work the next day, didn't call out sick. When the movie was over, he took me to my car and made sure it started before he left. He called me when I got home to make sure I had made it safely since it was so late and a long drive. I really had a nice time. So what's wrong with me, that I'm sitting here trying to find negatives this morning? He's not the guy I want, but the one I want isn't beating my door down, so why can't I try to make the best of what I have?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 9:13am

I say you've got reason enough to give him a second date and see what happens.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 11:16am

>>>> He's not the guy I want, but the one I want isn't beating my door down, so why can't I try to make the best of what I have? >>>>>

If he's not the guy you want, then you can keep looking. Do not settle for what you don't want because while you're busy settling you will miss a better opportunity for yourself.

Go and have a second date if you feel like it, but keep doing the OLD thing and looking where you can for other men.

The guy does sound very immature to me. I wouldn't like the drinking and the friends just showing up and calling all the time. That sounds too much like my early 20's.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 1:58pm

Kelly,

Why do you sound like you're willing to settle for this guy when he's obviously not the one? Just because you had a "nice time" doesn't mean you owe him anything else. If you're not feeling it, why try to talk yourself into it? If it was bothering you so much that he seems immature, then trust your gut- he probably is.

It's great that he's trying to get away from that lifestyle, so he says, but he's allowing his buddies to "drag him out" anyway. If he was serious, then he would be turning off the phone (what's with him answering it while on a date anyway?) and telling them "sorry, not going" when they show up at his door. He would be making new friends and cutting off contact with his old ones.

You don't need to be the "old lady" who his friends would blame for him not coming out. You also don't need someone who may not be reliable if he's out partying every weekend. You need stability as you have limited time to go out, and you have a child to think about. You need someone who can understand the responsibilities of having a child, not being one himself. And sure, he has a child, but how good of a role model is he being for that child? How often does he see him/her?

So, chalk it up to an ok date and keep dating. You want to find the guy that's not going to be covered with huge red flags on the first date. You want to find the guy who is nice, has great conversation with you and has some similar interests. Not the guy who is answering his cell phone during the date and making excuses for his "friends" behaviour, when most likely he's exactly the same, just putting on his "best face".

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 4:31pm

Kelly, I agree with Alison.

I think that you will mull over your experience in the next day or two and decide he is not the one for you.

There is an easy four letter word for your situation - NEXT!!

Smiles - we enjoyed your story - keep us posted.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2005
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 9:16pm

Thanks, everyone, for your comments. I have thought about it all day, and here is where I am on the subject. He is a genuinely likeable guy. I have always been shy, but even when the conversation was awkward, I felt comfortable being with him. Also, he scored high points for the calling to make sure I made it home safely thing. I have never had anyone do that before. He seems to be a very caring and concerned dad. He has his son every other weekend, one night a week on the in between weeks, and is on good terms with his ex about working out other visits and so forth. He is very adamant about no drinking/partying/etc around his son. On the other hand, I do have a problem with the friends. If he is sincere about wanting to settle down and not go out every night, that's great, but he has to put actions behind the words, and stand up to the peer pressure. This is not 11th grade any more. He told me that he is perfectly happy to sit at home and watch the Incredibles for the 15th time with his son, but he can't tell his friends that. He has never lived with his son, and I wonder if he is really ready for the reality of having children around 24/7, because my XH doesn't take my children overnight often. Wanting to be mature and grow up and stop living the frat boy life is great, but is he really going to do it?

Physically, the chemistry between us is very strong. At the end of the evening, he made it clear that he wouldn't turn me down if I wanted to go home with him, but he wouldn't ask me or pressure me. This is mostly what I have thought of all day. I could have a physical relationship with him, and it would probably be very good. On one hand, why not? We're both adults. It's been a very long time for me. It was so good just to be kissed, even when I knew it wasn't going any farther. There is a lot to be said just for companionship. On the other, I feel like, it's been three years, why should I settle for having sex instead of something special? If I got into having a physical relationship with him, would I miss out on finding something better with someone else because I wouldn't be looking? If we did get into a physical relationship now, would that kill any chances of anything more substantial later on?

Finally, I have also spent the whole day comparing him to my crush (my boss's brother) and he comes up short. How do I stop doing that?

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 9:31pm

I am not sure how you stop comparing him to your crush.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2005
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 9:56pm
As far as the crush, if you took a list of everything I ever wanted in a man, the only thing he is missing is that he would be taller. So pretty much anyone I compare to him is going to come up short. (no pun intended)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 9:58pm

Right, so if you use the criteria of this guy comes up short when compared to your crush, then you won't go on a second date with anyone.

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