A date but not a date

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Registered: 03-27-2003
A date but not a date
66
Fri, 12-07-2007 - 4:41pm
A date?
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I wanted to share my “date” which was not intended to be a date. I view dating as an activity with romantic intent (and usually involves me paying for the activity) otherwise it���s getting together to have fun/hanging out. Just because it is with the opposite sex (assuming both are heterosexual) does not mean we are dating in my definition. Of course that’s MY definition and all the women I have been with may have thought differently.-->-->
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Anyway I met this woman at a MeetInPortland mingler with her friend. I was not attracted to her or had any intentions of getting to know her. She was explicit in letting me know that she was not looking for a relationship or to date which was fine for I was not interested in either with her. However I enjoyed talking with her and asked to go out with her so we can continue to know each other for we shared a common interest and a similar spiritual path. Last night was that time we met again. -->-->
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Before our meeting we talked on the phone and shared our lives more and found that we have a deeper shared set of interests and values and outlook to life. I enjoyed this. I have such resonance and shared set of core values with all my existing friends and that is why they are my friends (male and female).-->-->
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Funny thing after spending that time with Cute Newly Divorced Gal, I am now attracted to her. This is disturbing since she is not “available” because of her newly divorced, single mom status (two girls 12 & 13 – me I have a 14 yo girl & 18 yo son at college), because of her geographical distance (45 plus minutes if there is no traffic), and that she is not my physical type (I prefer someone more slender since I’ve worked so hard to get there myself). -->-->
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Plus she is more interested in intellectual connection where I am so done with that (being an engineer with a father and two brothers who are also these left brained logical engineer types and an ex-wife where the only intimacy we shared was intellectual). I am seeking a partner who is more in touch with her senses, emotions, and sexuality (since I have not had that in my life).-->-->
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I would rather put my energies in someone where there would be a stronger possibility of life partnership or at least a more physical intimacy.-->-->
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Strange that we “found” each other like that and have such “complementary” or opposite goals in what we are seeking. As we have said with each other, no expectations or attachment to any outcomes is how we both want to live our lives. We are meeting again this weekend to walk our dogs and maybe dinner afterwards. -->-->
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So with all these reasons on how this is not a fit then how come I am so excited? This is a puzzler since I have met many other great women whom I have shared deeply with and who are attractive but were not “The One” either. Plus being the introvert that I am, it is easier to stay at home by myself and/or go to the gym than to go out once again with someone that is not partner material.

Anyway I'm going and going to enjoy the weekend.


Edited 12/22/2007 9:24 pm ET by mhash

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 12-09-2007 - 4:59am
I agree that you have to have your criteria - especially when it comes to core values and situations and kids and stuff like that. I guess from what you wrote we all assumed that she did match you on these things and more - but you were hesitant because she is newly divorced and lives a little farther than what you like and we though those were okay. I guess the newly divorced thing is a big biggee. Has she dated anyone else? How long divorced?
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Registered: 12-28-2004
Sun, 12-09-2007 - 7:46am

I agree with Rlch...keep an open mind especially

Avatar for mhash
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 12-09-2007 - 12:39pm

Thanks all for pulling for me on this. I don't share much (not much to share) for I have met a LOT of women this past year (usually off MySpace). They have been all great women but they are not for me as partners. After my last relationship two years ago, I decided to trust my instincts and intuition more.

I decided to share my current experience because there is that chemistry aspect which I have not experienced in a while and took me by surprise. The logical factors of her being just out of long (14 yrs) marriage, body type, her intellectual orientation, and her geographic distance, not to mention SHE is not looking for anything are the reasons why I am not looking to create a romantic relationship with her. She's 41 and I'm 54 but I don't consider that so much a factor since I've had some relationships albeit brief with women her age. My three good women friends are that age.

Anyway we'll be meeting for a dog walk this afternoon after my ecstatic dance and then gym workout. After the walk we talked about doing something else like dinner and/or a movie.

I must say it's that physical-sexual tingle of anticipation with her is what is making me excited to see her.

Thanks again all for your encouragement for staying open to the possibilities.

On a separate note, I decided to write my former spouse who has been angry with me since the divorce 7 years ago (probably longer LOL) a letter of appreciation and apology before Thanksgiving. I wanted to do that for a while but could not bring myself to write it and still be sincere and honest with myself. I have written two former girlfriends such notes(I think this is one of the 12 Steps but I got the idea from Anne Lamott when she came to talk about her book here in Portland). My 45 yr old hot babe woman friend (whom I also met on Myspace a year ago) told me that not to my former spouse may be the remaining piece of attracting "The One" in my life. Once I am able to let go my anger toward my former spouse then the right woman can walk into my life. So who knows?

Mark




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Registered: 09-11-2007
Mon, 12-10-2007 - 11:14am

So....

Avatar for mhash
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 12-10-2007 - 1:45pm
Update on new posting.
Avatar for mhash
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 12-14-2007 - 1:33am

My update on the Cute Newly Divorced Gal (CNDG). Still all very new. 3 dates worth. I did not expect anything romantic with her for when I met her at the November Mingler because 1) I was not attracted to her, 2) she was not looking for a relationship, 3) she seemed too much in her head (versus in touch emotionally). However I enjoyed hearing about her personal growth path and wanted to just to talk more with her about her journey.

We met for dinner last Thursday and I was caught off guard by feeling a chemistry/sexual attraction with her. I revealed that on our phone call afterwards and she was OK with it. She enjoyed talking with me so we met again for a dog walk on Sunday and the chemistry was mutual so the dog date turned into a 7 hr encounter (heavy petting with clothes on in her Mini Cooper for 5 hrs)

Last night was dinner and a movie then taking her home and staying until midnight with more heavy petting.

A lot of logical reasons why I did not want to “go there” with her. I am looking for a life partner and she just got divorced in August after a 13 yr marriage. I have been out of my marriage for 7 yrs and my last relationship for 2 yrs. She has 12 and 13 yr old girls. I have a 14 yr old girl who lives with her mother and a 18 yr old boy who is away at college. She lives 28 miles away. Her body type on the chunky side. I’ve worked hard for the past 3 years on daily workouts to get from me being chunky to my lean body so I wanted a similar body type partner. She is 41 yrs old. I’m 54. She is a thinker more so than a feeler. I’ve been a thinker and in the tech field so I really want a feeler to balance me and to help me grow in that area. She seems modest, shy and not sensual. I grew up with that and have been in relationships like that. I want to grow in the sensual, sexual and bold area.

So there are several things that don't fit my criteria for a life partner BUT some of the synchronicities and just plain connection are there so we are living in the Now and going with the flow and see where it goes. What I love about being and talking with her is that we are very up front about where we are at and are respectful with each other. We are both not thinking about why it won't work but why is it working and appreciating that. We are both feeling "wow" right now. It’s good.

Mark
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May your soul be at rest.


May your heart remain open.


May you realize your own true nature.


May you be healed.


May you be a source of healing for the world. - a zen prayer






iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2007
Fri, 12-14-2007 - 2:33am

It sounds like things are going pretty good if you ask me. I mean it has already gone from not being attracted to her at all to 12 hours of heavy petting lol um sounds like there is quite a bit of chemistry there already. Maybe right now she doesn't seem like the kind of woman you were looking for but you have just met, who knows she could turn into the one! Or she may not but at least you are getting to know her and that is the only way you will find out. Does your heart beat faster and you get butterflies when you are with her, or does that happen to men lol?


I completely understand what you mean when you say you want a sensual sexual and bold woman, but you said you wanted to grow in that area....who knows maybe she does too but she is holding back at the moment because she doesn't know you that well yet and isn't comfortable enough yet to completely show her innermost emotions. When the two of you are alone and heavily petting do you feel her sensual side at all? I mean I believe you can pretty much tell when you first touch and kiss if the person is sensual or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 12-14-2007 - 10:02am

Well, she is not an exact match - but I could argue the points for her. Sure she is "chunky" but she has a 12 year old and a 13 year old - she has probably been busy with them instead of herself and especially if she was in a bad marriage. BUT her 13 years younger state sort of counteracts that. She is chunkier but you are older! LOL!!

So she is not sensual - but maybe she could become that way when she has someone as good as you? Unless she is really rigid I would not worry about that - and maybe if you saw her as MsRight and told her that then she would relax?

28 miles is not that far.

The only thing I can say is that you are HOT NOW - and she is just divorced - that is the big biggie.

What I think you need to define is your core values. It sounds to me like you need to find someone who wants the intensity you desire - wants to spend hours heavy petting, growing your sexual intimacy and talking. Wants to be fit. Wants to spend time together and have a great relationship. Is ready now with regards to their situation - meaning not separated or tied down with little kids. You didn't mention lifestyle (drinking, smoking, gambling) or religion or family habits or money/things/travel - but those are important. I think when you can match all of these things AND have 2 people who are skilled at communicating positively you are going to be able to develop a relationship and connection that are here to stay.

If not, you are just spinning your wheels.

I guess I am more picky about you and your post because I care and I feel you are very special and a good catch. I know it is easy to get caught up in the trappings of companionship - the warm fuzzy feelings of talking on the phone, hugging, petting, spending time together. But you really should decide if she meets the criteria otherwise you are going to get distracted and not meet a good one and waste more time and emotions. Every day with her is a day that could be spent doing other activities to meet that someone.

I guess what I am saying is that she could be the one - or could not - you have to find that out by looking at the core values. The big biggie is that she is so newly divorced - but at least she is not separated.

Good luck with whatever you decide. If you just want a fling you have been honest and that is certainly your perogative to have a little fun along the way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Fri, 12-14-2007 - 10:45am

body type on the chunky side. I’ve worked hard for the past 3 years on daily workouts to get from me being chunky to my lean body so I wanted a similar body type


Well, that's certainly fair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Fri, 12-14-2007 - 11:09am

Mark, I have to agree with everything everyone has said here!


As for the "chunky" aspect, and the non-sensual aspect... I believe those things can be changed. She COULD lose the weight and what would you think? I know that to base a deal breaker on a physical appearance seems shallow... but I also know what you mean about wanting someone who cares enough about themselves to simply be fit and healthy. But is it really a dealbreaker at this point, when you're obviously attracted enough to be doing the hours of heavy-petting chemistry sessions?? Plus, you know that the weight

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

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