A date but not a date
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A date but not a date
| Fri, 12-07-2007 - 4:41pm |
A date?
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I wanted to share my “date” which was not intended to be a date. I view dating as an activity with romantic intent (and usually involves me paying for the activity) otherwise it���s getting together to have fun/hanging out. Just because it is with the opposite sex (assuming both are heterosexual) does not mean we are dating in my definition. Of course that’s MY definition and all the women I have been with may have thought differently.-->-->
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Anyway I met this woman at a MeetInPortland mingler with her friend. I was not attracted to her or had any intentions of getting to know her. She was explicit in letting me know that she was not looking for a relationship or to date which was fine for I was not interested in either with her. However I enjoyed talking with her and asked to go out with her so we can continue to know each other for we shared a common interest and a similar spiritual path. Last night was that time we met again. -->-->
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Before our meeting we talked on the phone and shared our lives more and found that we have a deeper shared set of interests and values and outlook to life. I enjoyed this. I have such resonance and shared set of core values with all my existing friends and that is why they are my friends (male and female).-->-->
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Funny thing after spending that time with Cute Newly Divorced Gal, I am now attracted to her. This is disturbing since she is not “available” because of her newly divorced, single mom status (two girls 12 & 13 – me I have a 14 yo girl & 18 yo son at college), because of her geographical distance (45 plus minutes if there is no traffic), and that she is not my physical type (I prefer someone more slender since I’ve worked so hard to get there myself). -->-->
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Plus she is more interested in intellectual connection where I am so done with that (being an engineer with a father and two brothers who are also these left brained logical engineer types and an ex-wife where the only intimacy we shared was intellectual). I am seeking a partner who is more in touch with her senses, emotions, and sexuality (since I have not had that in my life).-->-->
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I would rather put my energies in someone where there would be a stronger possibility of life partnership or at least a more physical intimacy.-->-->
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Strange that we “found” each other like that and have such “complementary” or opposite goals in what we are seeking. As we have said with each other, no expectations or attachment to any outcomes is how we both want to live our lives. We are meeting again this weekend to walk our dogs and maybe dinner afterwards. -->-->
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So with all these reasons on how this is not a fit then how come I am so excited? This is a puzzler since I have met many other great women whom I have shared deeply with and who are attractive but were not “The One” either. Plus being the introvert that I am, it is easier to stay at home by myself and/or go to the gym than to go out once again with someone that is not partner material.
Anyway I'm going and going to enjoy the weekend.
Edited 12/22/2007 9:24 pm ET by mhash
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I wanted to share my “date” which was not intended to be a date. I view dating as an activity with romantic intent (and usually involves me paying for the activity) otherwise it���s getting together to have fun/hanging out. Just because it is with the opposite sex (assuming both are heterosexual) does not mean we are dating in my definition. Of course that’s MY definition and all the women I have been with may have thought differently.-->-->
--> -->
Anyway I met this woman at a MeetInPortland mingler with her friend. I was not attracted to her or had any intentions of getting to know her. She was explicit in letting me know that she was not looking for a relationship or to date which was fine for I was not interested in either with her. However I enjoyed talking with her and asked to go out with her so we can continue to know each other for we shared a common interest and a similar spiritual path. Last night was that time we met again. -->-->
--> -->
Before our meeting we talked on the phone and shared our lives more and found that we have a deeper shared set of interests and values and outlook to life. I enjoyed this. I have such resonance and shared set of core values with all my existing friends and that is why they are my friends (male and female).-->-->
--> -->
Funny thing after spending that time with Cute Newly Divorced Gal, I am now attracted to her. This is disturbing since she is not “available” because of her newly divorced, single mom status (two girls 12 & 13 – me I have a 14 yo girl & 18 yo son at college), because of her geographical distance (45 plus minutes if there is no traffic), and that she is not my physical type (I prefer someone more slender since I’ve worked so hard to get there myself). -->-->
--> -->
Plus she is more interested in intellectual connection where I am so done with that (being an engineer with a father and two brothers who are also these left brained logical engineer types and an ex-wife where the only intimacy we shared was intellectual). I am seeking a partner who is more in touch with her senses, emotions, and sexuality (since I have not had that in my life).-->-->
--> -->
I would rather put my energies in someone where there would be a stronger possibility of life partnership or at least a more physical intimacy.-->-->
--> -->
Strange that we “found” each other like that and have such “complementary” or opposite goals in what we are seeking. As we have said with each other, no expectations or attachment to any outcomes is how we both want to live our lives. We are meeting again this weekend to walk our dogs and maybe dinner afterwards. -->-->
--> -->
So with all these reasons on how this is not a fit then how come I am so excited? This is a puzzler since I have met many other great women whom I have shared deeply with and who are attractive but were not “The One” either. Plus being the introvert that I am, it is easier to stay at home by myself and/or go to the gym than to go out once again with someone that is not partner material.
Anyway I'm going and going to enjoy the weekend.
Edited 12/22/2007 9:24 pm ET by mhash

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Thanks for your interest myprecious. We both had our children for Christmas so we did not spend anytime together. Her kids don't know she is dating. I had my out-of-town brother and wanted to focus time with him.
New Year's Eve is when she has her children too so I won't be seeing her then. I view NYE as a non-holiday and don't like to celebrate it. My most vivid memory was me being sick for a wekk with the flu in a small rented room on a hard futon by myself during on Dec 31, 1999 just after I left my home, my children, my wife.
Her next free weekend is next week and we plan to get together then. She'll be visiting (staying?) my place for the first time. Today I'll be going to see her for lunch for I have today off and she's working.
With each encounter and each phone conversation just gets better and better between us.
Mark
--
May your soul be at rest.
May your heart remain open.
May you realize your own true nature.
May you be healed.
May you be a source of healing for the world. - a zen prayer
Update on CNDG. It's been a about two weeks since we last seen each other. Tonight she came over for dinner. I really appreciated that gesture since I live in the suburbs and all of my friends live on the other side of the river and think that they need a passport to come over to where I live. I am use to going out over into the city which is fine with me for I always want to get out of my 'burb town. Plus CNDG lives 28 miles away so it's about a 45 min or more drive in the dark, in the rain.
I made broiled salmon, wild rice, and a broccoli dish. I put out chips, salsa, and bean dip out to munch on while the rice cooked. I had wine available but she stuck with water (and so did I). I really don't like cooking for myself or for anyone for I tend to be sloppy about it all and not at all picky what I eat. I don't want to impose my failures which I would normally eat on guests but I have done salmon before and have a rice cooker.
It was a great time for us. It was the first time she came over to my place. She does not like cooking either and loved the meal. In fact she took the broccoli home. She commented how similar we are since what I did for her was what she would do for a meal as well down to the candles on the table and the appetizers. I also had some fat free Haagen Dazs but we had other dessert ;-) instead.
What was really nice was at the end she thanked me for being me. I can tell she is a lot more comfortable about us being an "us." What I continue to be pleased about is how we are very similar in our outlook, attitudes, values, and temperament. All of that makes it very easy to be together. Even when we were fooling around she felt comfortable enough to let me know what she did not want which I really appreciated.
She is now at a place where she is comfortable enough to let her friends know that she is seeing me and wants to do things with me and her family/friends. That is a big step for her to acknowledge our growing relationship for her fear has been losing that independence that she just got from being out of her marriage.
I am feeling this deep sense of closeness with her. I don't feel the goo goo love or taking off into future "us" stuff. I just have this calm peace about being with her and the optimism of the relationship.
This weekend we are going to my Myspace friend's birthday party (karaoke! and concert afterwards) and hopefully she will stay the night.
Mark
---
May your soul be at rest.
May your heart remain open.
May you realize your own true nature.
May you be healed.
May you be a source of healing for the world. - a zen prayer
Cute Newly Divorced Gal Update:
Fri night: both children had things to do so I made a date with CNDG. We went out to a pub to listen to some live music. It was a light enjoyable evening.
Sat night: Planned date. I was invited to a Karaoke birthday party with a Myspace friend (she turned 42). I did not know anyone there except Bday gal. I did not drink and had a great time. I did Macho Man by the Village People and brought up two guys to help me with it. CNDG did not sing but we both danced with others for some of the songs that were very dance-able. We both did not have the kids for Sat night/Sun day so I invited her to stay over. She came over with her terrier who did fine with my dog.
This was a huge milestone for both of us especially for CNDG. She has had bad experiences in her 20s which made it a leap of faith to come with me without her car to escape and spend the night. This was scary for her. Our discussion about the stay deepened the experience even further.
I characterized our relationship as spiritual rather than romantic which she agreed. She is so appreciative being in relationship with someone who does not judge or correct or criticize or second guess or not listen to her. I am too for the same reasons. I use the words of feeling "solid" and "peace" for the relationship. She used the words "soft" and "authenticity" and "trust." My other past relationships I have felt anxious, romantic, goo goo eyed, intense, and other typical early romance phase feelings. This is very much different where there is calmness and clarity.
We are so in sync with one another. We are also both on this similar path of personal growth which is the reason why we are together. The growth is learning to be intimate. For her it is learning to be vulnerable. For me it is that sexual intimacy as well as that deep emotional part of sharing ourselves.
The other significant development is that she revealed that she is going out with me to her friends and to her parents. This is admitting out loud that this is a bone fide relationship.
It has been a little over a month and by convention it is too fast, too soon but neither of us are pushing for anything but following what is unfolding for both of us and trusting that process.
Mark
It's fun to see what it's like, from the man's eyes, when he's "into"
Rebecca, Mom to Averey, 2/8/00, Kibo, Sana & Zuri too!
Sounds as if things are progressing fast, but WELL!
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