UP-DATE....
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| Sun, 03-09-2008 - 3:38pm |
Ok... so it's hard to explain how it was. Very different in a very good way....
So I called him later in the afternoon and suggested we meet for a drink first and then decide if we want to go to a dessert place. It just seemed better, because we could sit over a beer and just chat without feeling we had to get up and go anytime soon. So we met in front of the restaurant and he looked A LOT different from his photos. I wouldn't have recognized him. Not a bad different, but kind of a very young, very preppy looking guy. He looked like he was in his early twenties, he had a beard look in his photos that he has since shaved and he just looked like a prep.
Anyway, it took him about 5 minutes to really look at me. LOL. I sensed he extremely nervous, but when he finally did it was fine and the conversation just flowed. We ordered different beers and discussed them and I gave him a 101 beer lesson. It was kind of funny, because the bartendar told him that I really knew my stuff. I replied that

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No No No...I dont like this chapter at all...You are giving up toooo soon. Take it slow see what happens but dont
Wow!
I think you never have any way of knowing whether someone is really ready. He may be more ready than you think. Some couples even talk while one is sick and dying about moving on and give blessings to do so for the other's potential happiness. If she was sick and even very sick for a few years he had that time to be slowly saying goodbye to her and he may have found closure on the fact that his life would have to include someone else DURING that time. It seems logical that if you are in a couple where one person is known to be dying that the fact would be out there and ont the table that THIS is not forever any longer - there has to be another forever out there then. Another love and another future. It is what hope is made of. Maybe even that their relationship, his love for her and their time together prepared him for the next love of his life. There is no shame in that since their love was not meant for forever.
You may have a very specific take on this having spent such time talking with him but dont manufacture yourself a fear pill and then actually swallow it, ok? My opinion is it is his decision whether he is ready or not. If he says he is ready, what makes you think you know more about his heart at this juncutre than he does? I would be upset if I were him and hearing that - he owns his heart. Taking things slow could lead to something. But you pushing him away and asking him to date more people could undermine the trust between you before things even get started. You are basically in some ways telling him you already dont trust him to even know his own feelings - right? Just my thoughts. I want you to be happy!! There are always risks. This one is just packaged a bit differently.
whhewww thats a relief...LOL
I agree - you are doing the right thing. Friends first is always a good idea. And if he really likes you he won't like someone else - and he can find out that by dating and dabbling in the dating world. Otherwise you will have a "TMTFTS fest" that ends with a train wreck.
I wish we could hear more stories about dating a man who is a widow - Soonee? Anyone?
I do have a friend whose mom married a widower - and from what I can remember, her mom helped him with the caretaking of the wife because they were friends - and then after her death the two of them dated and then got married. But I don't know the time frame.
I think you are making the right decision. If you base your relationship on friendship and see how things progress from there, what do you have to lose? If it is meant to be then it will happen.
There is no way to know if this guy has worked through the stages of grief. There are 5 stages and I am sure you could do some reading on them. I do know that one of my best friends lost her husband of 30 years in 2003. They were very happily married and it was quite a shock.
She was not herself (to put it lightly) the first year after Mark died. She made some crazy decisions! This is someone who is like my Mom/Sister. She is the queen of common sense and practicality. She describes it now as being lost and trying to find home again.
Yes, every situation is different and some people can move on faster than others. But, regardless they have to work through each stage of grief before truly being able to move on. I don't think you should give up by any means and it sounds like you are looking at every angle. I can't wait to see how this plays out!
Stephanie
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