dating 2 weeks need help
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dating 2 weeks need help
| Fri, 04-07-2006 - 11:25pm |
ok a month ago i became single after 5 years of marrage(7 years all together) and after two kids. For about a week now i have been dating someone, last night we had our 3ed date. I realy realy like this guy. he gives me everything my x did not. We have so much fun togheter, he dose not smoke, dose not drink, dont do drugs, never been married, has his own house, car , has a job for 7 years now and dose not have any kids. I cant find a thing wrong with him. He is just what i need. But hear comes the problem first of all he is a very good looking man an i am realy over weight. So i am very worried about that. Also were i have kids and he dose not have any. I realy want to be his girlfriend in time, but he has told me 2 times now that he dose not want anything serous anytime soon. I just feel soo lost. I never thought i could get a guy like that to like me. I dont want him to stop seeing me. I dont even know if he is seeing anyone other than me. I am to scared to ask him Q. that i want to and to do things like get him a card or flowers or tell him how i feel cause i am scared that i will scare him away. I realy want more with him. Also we always talk around 1130 at night every night and the nights he is hear with me when he gose home he talks to me online, and then befor he gose to work every day around 1-2 he talks to me online. well he did not do that last night and i only got to talk to him for like 2 mins. today. see what i am scared of is i made a big bobo with him. I gave it up on our second date! I told him that, that was not something i would usaly do. but last night all we did was set, talk and wach movies. I did not give him any. I dont think that is all he wants from me, but at the same time i dont know. I am getting sooooo close to him and now i fell like he is pulling away. help!!!!!!!!!! dose anyone have any ideas of what is going on or if you have been threw this be for. please help. At the same time there could be nothing going on with him and it could just be he has things to do and i am just freckn out. HELP!!!!!!!!!!

Be very, very careful. Your marriage has just ended and you are very emotionally vulnerable right now. Go slow, slow, slow with this new guy for at least 2 reasons: 1) If you lean on him too hard to get all your emotional needs met, you will push him away, and 2) the last thing your kids need now is for a new man to be introduced into their lives. They may not be ready for your to date yet. And if the relationship doesn't work out, they too will go through the separation and grieving again.
Take your time. Spend some time just working on yourself. Do some healing and growing.
Question: Were you concerned about your weight before you started dating this man? If yes, then do something about it. But don't make a man the reason you lose weight.
He may or may not be the one, but take some time and focus on yourself. Don't look for him to fill your every free minute. That's called needy and it will push him away.
Good luck.
Hi there and welcome! The ladies here give great advice!
The first thing I would say is, are you sure you're ready for any kind of relationship? You have just gotten out of a marriage, and you may think you're ready to date someone new simply because he's different from your ex and treats you better. If you've been unhappy, and I think we've all been there at some point, when someone comes along who treats you well, you don't feel like you deserve it. That may be why you're wanting a relationship with this guy, and it may be why you had sex with him so quickly if that's not something you would normally do.
Your children are another issue. How will they react if things with this guy don't work out so quickly after things with their father didn't work out? They're going to feel abandoned again by a man.
My opinion, and it's just my opinion, is that you should be focusing on YOU right now. This guy has been pretty up front with you about not wanting a serious relationship, and while that may be fine for you in the future, so soon after a major breakup like divorce, you aren't ready for that. You seem to be worried about your weight, and I don't know if that was an issue before this guy, but you shouldn't be concerned about it for HIM, but instead for you.
When I was newly divorced, I thought I was ready to date again because I was truly over my ex, and didn't want to be with him anymore, but I also didn't want to be alone. That didn't make me ready to date, though. I had to realize all over again who *I* was as a person, not just someone's wife, mother, employee, daughter, etc. We play so many roles in our lives, it can be all too easy to lose ourselves. You need to find YOU again, concentrate on your children and what makes you happy.
If your weight is an issue for YOU, do something about it. If your self-esteem is an issue for YOU, do something about it. But don't change for a guy. Ever. When you can conquer those things, you're ready to date again.
JMHO, and please stick around and keep us posted!
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Hi Bebe,
Welcome to the board!
Honey, why are you in a rush to be dating again?
Hello and welcome to our board - you have come to the right place.
I see so many red flags here. First of all, you have to heal from your marriage so you can stand strong on your own two feet here. The trouble is you are probably starved for attention and affection and will not be strong to kick a bad one to the curb.
Second of all, you have to be able to wait and see what a man's intentions are - does he want something stable and long term - or is he just looking for a romp in the hay. My philosophy is that they are guilty of the latter until proven innocent by stating the former.
You also have self esteem issues about your appearance. This is something you can work on - either to change it or to love yourself the way you are. You should feel like an equal half, not like someone lucky.
If he is calling late at night and saying he wants to take it slow AND mixing these two with sex then he is only after you for a booty call. So, you can decide if you want to be a booty call when he is in the mood, or kick him to the curb and wait until the right man comes along who will go slow and want something serious for you.
We hope you stay and post with us - you would learn a lot and we would always value your opinion on everyone's issues.
Whatever you decide we are here for you! Good luck!! Don't beat yourself up over this - you are only human and probably assumed that a guy thinks the way you do. At least you had some fun.
Hi and welcome,
Even if this guy does turn out to be a jerk, don't dwell on it. You have very strong emotional needs right now and anyone who comes a long is going to sense that and feel a lot of compassion for you. It's not a bad thing at all. Sometimes when it's a guy, it's very easy to long for them whether you want to or they want you to or not. I am hoping he does want to be at least your friend and does want to be respectful of you, but maybe he is a little nervous about the amount of feelings you are feeling for him. How did you guys meet?
Also, been there, done that with the weight issue. I lost 50+ pounds after my husband and I split and am now not at my perfect weight, but pretty darn close enough to be comfortable with. (What IS the deal with that stupid last 10 pounds!!) It was because after my split I started spoiling myself rotten, which is what you need to do as well. I ditched all fast food and though I was far from perfect with my eating, I was much more aware of what, when and how I ate. A really, really, REALLY great book I would overly recommend is called Feel Good Naked (by Laure Redmond). It's excellent. Inspiring and a super self-esteem boost. You feel like she is your best friend in the world from the start to the end. Very sensible and very good ideas for weight loss in this book. It's far from just your average diet book becasue it's not about dieting, it's about learning to love yourself. I have never loved myself more than I do right now and I owe a lot of this to that book.
I hope you stay and continue to post with us. There are some very valuable lessons here and people who have been through very similar situations. This is such a caring and supportive group and I would be honored to help you in any way I can.
hugs,
--snow