Dating with 4 kids, is it POSSIBLE???
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Dating with 4 kids, is it POSSIBLE???
| Thu, 11-22-2007 - 7:51pm |
Hi there, I am recently divorced mother of 4.... thinking of getting back out there and try to date a little. I am a student at a local university currently to get a degree in psychology and sociology so I can get a good job to support myself and the kids without anyone else. (I need to do this for me.. )
I was a work at home mom when I found out my x was cheating on me and two days after I confronted him, he tried to abduct our girls (my boys are from a prev. relationship but he basically raised them) so, since that night, when the cops told him to leave, he has moved out.
My sister put up a profile for me on a site, and it states the cold hard truth, divorced mother of 4, looking for friendship. And I have actually met some very nice people. One in particular that I really would like to meet in person. He knows about my kids, he knows about my x and the affair he had. he has not kids of his own, but is very close to his niece and nephews (as my siblings are with my kids) and I can tell he really likes kids.
I am just so worried. I am worried for my kids, worried for me, worried for anyone getting involved with me (in case I just cant commit) I am worried that my kids are just too much for anyone.
Are there really guys out there who want to step parent 4 kids?!?!?!?!?! Who want to deal with custody BS and all that??
One of my boys has ADD and the other has ADD/Sensory Integration disorder and an emotional issue (we find out the diagnosis on the 29th) and I worry that its just too much for anyone.
I just dont want to be alone. I need companionship outside of people who think Nickelodeon is the only channel that exists!!!
What do you all think?
I was a work at home mom when I found out my x was cheating on me and two days after I confronted him, he tried to abduct our girls (my boys are from a prev. relationship but he basically raised them) so, since that night, when the cops told him to leave, he has moved out.
My sister put up a profile for me on a site, and it states the cold hard truth, divorced mother of 4, looking for friendship. And I have actually met some very nice people. One in particular that I really would like to meet in person. He knows about my kids, he knows about my x and the affair he had. he has not kids of his own, but is very close to his niece and nephews (as my siblings are with my kids) and I can tell he really likes kids.
I am just so worried. I am worried for my kids, worried for me, worried for anyone getting involved with me (in case I just cant commit) I am worried that my kids are just too much for anyone.
Are there really guys out there who want to step parent 4 kids?!?!?!?!?! Who want to deal with custody BS and all that??
One of my boys has ADD and the other has ADD/Sensory Integration disorder and an emotional issue (we find out the diagnosis on the 29th) and I worry that its just too much for anyone.
I just dont want to be alone. I need companionship outside of people who think Nickelodeon is the only channel that exists!!!
What do you all think?

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He raised them for 6 1/2 years before he left. He says he is still their dad, but only time will tell. Its rare for a step dad to remain in their step kids lives after the marriage is over to the kids mom.
I will only date after they go to bed (I live with my gram, so once they are asleep, its no prob) or when I dont have them. My x has yet to get unsupervised visits, he has to work with the kids therapist to earn that. But, once he does, it will be easier. In the mean time, if I need a night off, I call my sister or brother. The older three can go to my sisters, the boys go to my brothers (Norah still isn't used to being around guys, and she is very shy) and the baby goes to my neighbors for the night. That gives me a chance to be out late and not have to worry about being too tired the next morning. :)
I wouldn't let any guy meet my kids for a looooong time.
How long since your divorce?
Liz
There are good men out there. I am concerned, however, in how quickly you ask the question if there are men out there who will step four children. That is putting the cart way before the horse.
Men will date you if you have the ability to actually have time for dates. You seem to have a system in place to create some free time for that, so you should be able to go on as many dates as that system allows. I understand though that your dating life and time is extremely limited. Just be accepting of the fact that you may meet and go on dates with several men and many may not click just due to the inability to see them as often as they would hope. They are not wrong, nor are
I am not looking at potential dates for the purpose of a step dad or anything like that. I guess I am sick of guys thinking thats what I want. How the heck do I tell them that I am a person too? My kids are MY kids, and I am not out trolling for a new daddy for them, since they already have a daddy. KWIM? I truly just want to go out and meet some people. BUT on the other hand, I don't want to get attached to someone that wont work long term, that will spend his days wishing I didn't have kids. I have been there, and I really really cared for him and we clicked, but he wasn't a daddy type, so at one point I had to call it quits because it wouldn't have worked long term and he needed to look for someone without kids.
Yah, I am attracted to guys who are comfortable around kids and dont want to give anyone the wrong impression. How the heck to you tell someone that yah, its important for the long term that you like kids, but right now I just want to get to know you and then decide?
Besides, I am not sure that I will ever marry again anyways. I will try to keep my mind open, but after I caught my x cheating, and then two days later try to take the girls (ours together) it would be hard to want to do that again. I also want to be very independent, I am going back to college to get a degree and a career to raise my kids (at least financially) by myself. I plan on buying a house by myself and paying my own way all the time. I will never be someones "burden" as my ex put it (I was a work at home mom, but he made the majority of the money)
Liz
I've been divorced for about a year and a half.
It sounds like you have a good support system for dating.
Whoopass can be a great motivator. LOL!
The only time in my experience that it came across as a woman looking for a daddy for her kids was when she really was. It can be tough to avoid that but it is possible. I might suggest that on your first date or two or three, don't talk about the kids much, if at all. Focus on asking about him, what he likes, what you like, things you have done and seen, music you listen to, et cetera. The more the kids come up the more it will look and feel like you are less available to him (physically and emotionally) and it may seem like you are pushing the kids on him. Fact of life.
I think talking about how you are going back to college and want to be totally independent would actually interest most men who would date you. We know that even if you aren't successful in meeting all your goals that you will have them and that entering a relationship with you will NOT lead to being provider man unless you are both comfortable with that. And the goals you have will show him that you are more then just 4 kids mommy. That can be a big turn on. Really.
Good luck in your man hunt. Keep us posted.
Zen
After my x's affair and them him taking off, I spent a lot of time really thinking, this is it, its over...
Then, I came out of my fog, it took 2 weeks. I got my boys in therapy, myself in therapy and got accepted into college, a month before the new semester starts. That all made me feel pretty good.
I avoid talking about the kids too much to guys, I usually only answer questions. Throughout my mommy life, I have always felt very strongly about being an individual. Happy mommies have happier kids. And its not healthy to make your total identity being a mom anyways. I value my kids as people, not just kids. I know they need their space from me as much as I need it from them, and they will be happier if I am happier. Besides, they will grow up and leave someday, and then I would be bored and lost if I made my entire life about them. :)
Or I just tell myself that so I don't sound like a loser mom who doesn't spend enough time with their kids (as my x says.)
*gulp* I have my first phone call with a guy I like. He wants to take me out sometime. eek. I will keep you all posted
Liz
Hello and welcome. I think you are genuinely overwhelmed by your own situation. But I feel that it isn't that different from any other divorced mom with kids who has to go it alone again in the dating world.
I do think that if you can do what you can to get your situation happy - get financially strong, get a good support network, get the kids going better and more independent, look and be your best, then in time you will not feel overwhelmed and you will feel like you have a lot to offer because of your life's experiences and how far you have come.
I know you want adult time - but perhaps for now you can work on being in some groups or among friends or to date casually?
The right man will want to be a part of your life. And he is out there - you will find him in time when you are ready.
I am sorry for you that you had to have such a bad time with your exh. That stinks to put it mildly. Do not worry - you will get very strong because you will have no other choice and time will take you away from this and make you into someone new.
"I am sorry for you that you had to have such a bad time with your exh. That stinks to put it mildly. Do not worry - you will get very strong because you will have no other choice and time will take you away from this and make you into someone new."
I have been suprised at how well we are all doing. The first two weeks I spent as a wreck. I was not able to eat or drink, all I did was cry and puke. Good thing my sister came to help. I spent as much time with the kids as I could, but I spend an equal time in bed sobbing. A wound like that doesn't heal without a scar.
I am excited to be starting to move on though. I have had some encounters with guys who either wanted a "friends with benefits" like, yah, I have enough kids...
or wanted to know if I was going to commit, since I think they were tired of being lonely and thought since I had 4 kids I would be ready to "settle down" quickly and easily.
NO THANKS. I am not ready to settle for anything! But, I have met a few that I have been interested in, and one that is a good friend.
I am branching out, friend wise. Looking for something to do on lonely weekends and someone to talk to on lonely nights. (when I dont pass out at 8:30) My youngest is 8 months old, and gets up at about 4:30am.
Liz
As per a prior post, you are putting the cart before the horse.
Anna
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