Dating after Divorce and Freaking Out

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Dating after Divorce and Freaking Out
4
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 6:01pm

I'm new to this board and hope to get some support and knowledge.

I've been divorced since June after 7 years of marriage and two kids, son (6) and daughter (3 next week). I had been very lonely in my marriage but had been fine being on my own until this summer when I felt something was missing. I wanted someone to go out with to the movies, dinner, etc, nothing serious.

I met a man on eharmony in September and we met and began dating. His divorce will be final next week (probably an important fact in my story) and he has 2 children as well (son, 9 and daughter 7). We both have alternating weekends with our kids and spend time on the other weekends together and even went to Las Vegas 3 weeks ago for 4 days. We have been pretty serious, pretty fast, which is typical for me, unfortunately. My problem is that I over analyze everything he says and does to the point that I know I will drive him away. If he doesn't call or e-mail, I think he never will again and then I'm relieved when he does. I know I'm not 16 and that we both have very full lives away from each other. It's very difficult to go 2 weeks in between dates but with our schedules with kids, we can't manage any more. He has told me that he doesn't date anyone else and that he's "not going anywhere" but I keep stressing about it to the point that I wish I had never pursued this dating thing. He's going out of town for New Years (to visit his brother who he is very close to) and I had to really sit myself down and make myself see that this was nothing personal and that it isn't a matter of not wanting to be with me but that he wanted to be with his brother and has the opportunity to see him. I'm just so lonely when we're not together or talking. I was never lonely before but now that I know the pleasure of someone's company, I feel the emptiness when we aren't together.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here other than just a listening ear and maybe any advice on how to not take it so seriously.

Cat
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 9:06pm

Welcome!

I could have written your post shortly after my divorce. I think we have all been in this boat and can relate.

I see a few things from what you write.

First of all, I think you did feel very lonely in your marriage - that is what usually happens preceeding a divorce- that it is a very unhappy time and you are sad. Sadder still, is to lose the security of being married, the lifelong dream you once had and then to be left alone a single mom with not too much of a social life and a lot of hard work and responsibility.

Then comes dating in mid life which leaves much to be desired. We are no longer young and carefree with tons of friends, activities and dating prospects that admire us. Instead the dating pool is very small. Everyone has some sort of baggage or obligation never mind preferences of what they want and like to do. And married friends and family do not understand what you have been through and they are not much fun for going out.

Sound familiar?

I think what you need to do is put this gentleman on the back burner and fuel up your life and own happiness. Get busy doing other stuff - not sure what you like - but my getting busy is to work out, do hobbies, clean/organize/decorate the house, build as huge of a social network that I can get.

FILL YOURSELF up. Because no one can do that for you. This will have the advantage that you are not always available/waiting for this guy and looking at everything he does with a microscope. The bottom line is that if you put yourself first (and kids of course) then everything else in your life will fall into place.

Hope this helps and that you stick around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2006
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 1:57pm
I'm glad for this forum... Sometimes the people we're closest to have trouble taking a step back from our situation and they're 'well meaning' advise is not so well received. (walk a mile in my shoes!) I think when we are 1st separated/divorced, and we date and connect, if that person fills what ever was missing in our married relationship, we really tend to cling. Sometimes at the expense of over lookiing other issues that may bother us about the person. It's so hard to take a step back and try to see inside our own emotions.....but you should try. Is he giving you all that you need? Sometimes I wonder if there is such a relationship? Learning to be alone w/o being lonely is a difficult task. One I am trying to concur myself. Be confident, see and embrace the good within yourself, know you have a high value of selfworth that a man would be lucky to share. Know you can do this without him!!! If he is really 'the one' you will work things out!!!!
Hugs and a Happy Healthy New Year !!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2006
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 11:58am

what it sounds like is baggage from you old marriage. Work on yourself first. SOunds like a good guy (he puts his children first) and one that is really independent by nature. I think this is a long-distance thing? Your affiad. I dated a girl long-distance and we didn't see eachother for a while too almost three months, but i stuck trough it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 12:46pm

I agree with everything west1745 says!! And you've asked very good questions. We have to do the inner work. (myself included) I had to work on my inner issues and feel complete as an individual and not as someone's other half...

I made a commitment to myself after my seperation/divorce that I would NOT make the same relationship mistakes. And mistake number 1 was too much too soon. Like you described, it was typical of me to jump into a relationship very quickly. And when i found out that it actually takes being "friends" with a guy for months (about 6 months) before actually knowing him... well, that thought alone was depressing to me. All I did know was that the way I did it the last time (my marriage) didn't work and I cried out for relationship wisdom.

And what West says is absolutely true. I had to find fulfillment in myself. My own Identity. And over the course of a year or so I found that self... And then when my divorce was final, I didn't feel empty like I thought I would.... Praise Jesus. I am pleased to say that it IS possible for someone like me to feel whole whether I'm in a room full of friends, with a man, or all by myself. Then, after finding that complete feeling and inner peace, you will no longer worry about the man in your life. You will feel free!! You do NOT need a man to feel whole or to feel good about yourself.

I agree that you should try taking a step back from a relationship and a step closer to your inner likes and dislikes.

Hope I have helped, Loonybunny