Dating again after divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2007
Dating again after divorce
6
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 11:50pm
Hi. I'm new to this site and thought maybe I'd get some positive imput to a real problem. I was married for 23 years and divorced in 2001. I dated a little but was involved in 2002 in a tragic car crash. My injuries took a while to heal. I have put my child my priority but she is now l6 and I am more than ready to start dating again. I have my eye on one guy in particular. He makes my heart melt! Only problem is, he's a widower and still has not recovered from her death. He also has a daughter close in age to mine. We've been friends for awhile now, chatting on the phone and flirting a little, so I think there's a connection there. I am just afraid of being too pushy and scaring him off or not being open enough and someone else grabbing him up! He's such a wonderful,caring man. He's funny and he makes me laugh and when I'm with him, he makes me feel secure and cared about. I wanted him to be my Valentine, but I am scared. How do I let him know I really really want more than friendship with him yet not send him running in the opposite direction. Dating in your 40's is much more frightening than dating in your 20's!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 1:50am
Well, its the perfect week to try to let him know how you feel ... maybe get him a sweet Vday card & write a little note in it, letting him know how you feel? Or invite him over on Vday for a homecooked meal ... & dont throw yourself at him, lol, but let him KNOW you are attracted? How long ago did his wife pass away? If its less than a year, I would think he just may not be ready. Let us know!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 7:44am

You have to be patient and wait for him to want you romantically. Sad thing is that even though you want him that way, there is no guarantee he wants you that way. For now you just have to be patient and keep your feelings in check.

Another thing is to keep him wondering a little. If you are always there to talk to, he won't miss you.

Maybe he will surprise you? It sure sounds like you two have a lot in common. Keep us posted, okay?

OH - and with regards to the Valentine issue, I think it is okay if your daughter makes something for the two of them and you hand deliver it - looking great of course!




Edited 2/13/2007 7:46 am ET by cl-west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 7:53am

Hi,

If your friend is not over his wife's death, I recommend not doing anything for Valentine's Day. I feel that it might be a hard enough day for him, esepcially if his wife is only fairly recently deceased.

I am sure he really appreciates your friendship, and there could be the risk of him getting upset if he starts to think you want more, when he is relying on you as a friend, at least for the moment.

I recommend you sit it out, be there for him as you always have been, and see how both your feelings develop. The waiting is hard, but it's better to wait a while longer and for him to be really ready for a romantic relationship, rather than push it before he is in that place.

Just my opinion. Hope it works out for you.

Clem xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 11:18am

MissClemmy - you totally score with this one - I mean - this advice is HUGE and I didn't catch it - of course the first Valentine's Day after his wife's death would be quite sad.

I agree that our OP should not do anything that would be viewed as romantic toward the man - that would be a turn-off and look pushy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 1:37pm

You should wait until he initiates something with you. If a man wants to ask a woman out, he will do it. I agree with what West said about not always being available to take his call or chat. You don't have to jerk him around, but you can make yourself a little busy. Don't call him. Let him call you. If he calls, don't always be home to take the call. Let him be afraid of someone else grabbing you up.

He might not get over his wife's death anytime soon. Some people never do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2007
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 2:11pm
Thanks so much for everyone's input. I should have mentioned his wife has been dead for several years now. and he has dated some, but his daughter persisted in running them all away. I like the advice of making myself "not available" all the time, let him wonder where I am. I have found he gets a little upset when I am not in my usual place when he calls. I never thought about it before until I read the posts that maybe he gets upset because he cares and maybe he just wonders if I am doing something with someone else. LOL. I don't advocate playing games but it never hurts to keep a little mystery going. I did buy him a Valentine's Day card and am trying to get up the courage to give it to him. HOping he will get the idea that maybe I like him more than just a little. So we will see. Thanks for all the advice, folks! I appreciate it!