Dating again with teenagers

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2008
Dating again with teenagers
33
Fri, 01-04-2008 - 10:28am

Ok, here's my dilemma.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 01-04-2008 - 10:43am

I would say you don't convince your kids of anything and you go on with your life in private or don't bring it up for discussion. Which I know is easier said than done - it is hard to keep these things from them because at that age they are smart. But maybe this means you don't discuss it with them or seek their validation.

It seems that the thing for you now is to get out and have fun and just find someone.

Sorry you had to go through all of that - how horrible!!

Welcome!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Fri, 01-04-2008 - 11:44am
Totally with you. I'm in the same boat but I have only a DD14 to deal with. I really have no advice to give but only to say that you do the best you can. I'm trying to get my DD to realize that the rules I have for her don't apply to me, i.e. meeting the person I am dating. I'll never forget....I was talking with a guy a couple of years ago just over the phone and she demanded to meet him like she was my mother or something. GEESH! Sometimes for me it's almost just as easy not to date which is not good either. We are at a standoff at this point in that I don't want her in my social life and she doesn't want me in hers, but I HAVE to be in hers. She doesn't understand that I am her parent and I have to look out for her well-being, i.e. knowing who she is talking to, going out with, etc., just because she's 14 and doesn't know the world as well as she thinks she does. Dating is very irritating to me at this point because I feel that I have to hide from her so she doesn't think she can do the same as I do (not that I'm doing anything other than just trying to be "social").
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 01-04-2008 - 12:09pm

I see this as a trust issue with your children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Fri, 01-04-2008 - 12:22pm

Wow! Your post really rang true for me... I have a DD13 who since last year (which was a total fiasco with my first 4 month relationship after the divorce) and now my daughter doesn't "trust" my taste in men... Now I try very hard to keep my affairs of the heart private, but she knows that I am dating and it really isn't her place to interfere. We're at a standoff now because she's adamant about not ever meeting anyone I date. Which is totally fine by me for now.


Now, mind you, she's 13 and she's not "dating" yet, but I can't help but think to myself that her next few years are super critical for making and forming impressions about the opposite sex that will be with her for the rest of her life. My dilemma is that if she doesn't trust me in that arena, will she never trust to confide in me about the things going on in her life in that area as well in the future? Although there's no need for us to set "rules" for her now, I need to be sure to set some of my own guidelines as an example to her, don't I.


I've recently met a man that is becoming more special to me as time passes (okay, so it's only been a month, but I see potential already) and I agree that it "sucks" to have to hide an important part of my life from my DD. But if it's a choice between hiding from her my dating life, and unending drama from her if she's pulled into it, I'll pick hiding, hands down!


I really don't have any additional advice for the original poster. I think the advice given here so far is right on. I just want to commiserate :)


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Fri, 01-04-2008 - 12:23pm

Hi and welcome,
I have been in this situation and initially kept my dating life totally off my teen sons radar, or so I thought. Once I started dating a man exclusively and he would call daily, the boys figured out what was up and resented that I was "sneaking around". That was particularly true for my older son who was 16 at the time. We had a talk and I listened to their reasons for being uncomfortable with the situation. I also stated that I'm the adult here and I get to have an adult life, they don't call the shots. Luckily, my boys and I have always had good communication and mutual respect so it all worked out that while I wouldn't tell them all about my dates and would not bring anyone home unless I was serious about the guy, I would tell them I was going on a date, not say "Just out with friends". I would also prepare them before anyone was brought home to meet them. We agreed to no forced blending of families, they didn't have to spend every other weekend with my BF's kids, if he had any. And I assured they would not lose their relationship with me just because I had some new guy in my life.

So my advice, such as it is, is have a family meeting. Pick a time that is calm and not in reaction to some eye rolling teen giving you a hard time because a guy called. Ask them what it is that bothers them about you moving on with your life. LISTEN. Even if it seems like a silly reason, teens have a very different view of the world and of what is moral behavior. Don't be surprised if their expectations for the person who is their mother are very different than their expectations for any other person on the planet. Assuage any fears they have and try to come up with a compromise that all of you can live with that still leaves you in charge of your life.

QueenBun, who still is negotiating the kids and BF minefield

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2008
Fri, 01-04-2008 - 4:25pm

Thank you all for your advice.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Fri, 01-04-2008 - 5:40pm

After 2 disasterous live in LTRs both 1.5 yrs since divorce, my kids ages now 10,13,16 (none of them dating - yet thankgod!),

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Fri, 01-04-2008 - 6:06pm

Angie,


I agree with talking to them about their fears being a good idea.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Fri, 01-04-2008 - 6:08pm
Hmmm.... I don't really like the idea that you would tell your children that you will put your life on hold for them until they're 18... to ME that gives them too much power over you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Fri, 01-04-2008 - 6:35pm

I anticipated this response, and you may be correct in thinking this is unrealistic but

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

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