Dating again with teenagers

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2008
Dating again with teenagers
33
Fri, 01-04-2008 - 10:28am

Ok, here's my dilemma.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Fri, 01-04-2008 - 10:20pm

YOU are the parent and YOU make the decisions: right or wrong.

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Registered: 11-03-2003
Fri, 01-04-2008 - 10:24pm

Dang, Mark.

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Registered: 10-07-2005
Sat, 01-05-2008 - 1:40am

Ok, I can see where you're at.


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Registered: 09-21-2006
Sat, 01-05-2008 - 11:10am

Hah! Your cousin cracks me up. Well,actually, makes me worried in a way. Personally, I don't think one should ALWAYS put the kids ahead of one's own needs because they then grow up thinking they will ALWAYS be the center of attention. Can anyone say Narcissist? M's X is a spoiled princess and she is adamant that M should not date til the girl's graduate high school, but of course she does, but tells the girls she's with some girlfriend. If I waited until D3 was grown I'd be over 60 before I started having a life!

I also don't believe that Mom/Dad dating after divorce is such a trauma. Kids adjust, mine did and are fine. As long as there isn't the revolving door of boyfriends/girlfriends/step-parents the kids grow up just fine. In many cases, mine for example, the exposure to another male who provides such a contrast of appropriate male behavior is very beneficial.

The OP did just that, got the kids involved in relationships that went too fast too soon and she's now seeing the effect on her kids. Regaining their trust, that Mom will take her time now and not have someone who is going to be crammed down their throats, is a tough road. I totally agree with Soonee that how one handles this discussion depends on the ages of the kids and the existing level of communication and respect between parent and kid.

I wouldn't put your cousin on a pedestal. Some years ago I was called as a witness in a murder trial. During my testemony, the defense attorney basically presented my parenting choices as the standard of care for a good parent. He was disappointed that my answers did not help his case. At that time, a lot of people who knew me thought I was the perfect parent with the perfect kids and perfect life and perfect husband. Well, we know how that all turned out. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. We all screw up from time to time, but the majority of the time, kids turn out to be healthy, well adjusted adults.

QueenBun, queen of perfection-NOT!

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Registered: 11-03-2003
Sat, 01-05-2008 - 12:08pm

Needs versus Wants.... A person must put what they need for emotional (and other) health first.

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 01-05-2008 - 12:25pm

I don't like to frame this discussion as "parent makes decision, child abides by that decision" but rather how I can best parent my child?

I see my behavior as the parent is the primary way of how I teach my children. How I live my life, how I live my values, what I do are how my children primarily learn. I struggled in deciding to divorce because of my children but in the end I realized that I was living a lie and could not become the person I needed to be by being in my marriage.

I like to believe that I am showing my children of how to stay in integrity for ourselves and not to give up who we are to the other person as a way of living. I also like to think that I'm showing them how to be happy.

First and foremost though, I stayed committed in being the best father I knew how. I appreciated that my former spouse and I kept our agreement by not using our children as the battleground.

The bottom line, I am acutely aware my behavior affects my children, directly or indirectly. I don't think that dating per se negatively affect children but allowing a lover/partner in the household and allowing them to get emotionally attached to him/her. As we all know even in the best of circumstances of "till death do us part" that this bond gets broken between adult and child. The emotional upheavals and impact on children gives a negative model on how relationships are and they will apply that model to their lives.

Mark
==

May your soul be at rest.

May your heart remain open.

May you realize your own true nature.

May you be healed.

May you be a source of healing for the world. - a zen prayer




Edited 1/5/2008 12:29 pm ET by mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Sat, 01-05-2008 - 1:45pm

It's been suggested that an indicator of being ready for dating, is the ability to live comfortably without it.


wow laides and Mark this board and the posts are doing a great job of hitting home to me lately - this statement I had never heard but it is EXACTLY true for me!

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Sat, 01-05-2008 - 2:27pm

yeah I am not refusing to date just refusing to intro a guy to them for a long time and refusing to blend for even longer unless absolutely everything is right and it actually betters my situation.

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

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Registered: 06-04-2004
Sat, 01-05-2008 - 2:41pm

"I like to believe that I am showing my children of how to stay in integrity for ourselves and not to give up who we are to the other person as a way of living."


That is the one big thing I hope my kids can learn. I feel bad that I didn't learn this one for myself earlier, as I "lost myself" many times in an effort to get someone to love me. Really bashes your self-esteem, y'know?!?


I just hope that they somehow learn to simply stay honest with themselves, and never do anything that goes against their morals or wants, just to please someone else. Sometimes it's just not a lesson you can learn from someone else's lecture... but you almost have to learn it yourself by living it.


~shrimpy, finding waaaay too much deep thought going on for a Saturday, but it's good

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 01-05-2008 - 2:45pm

I think it is good that you talk to them.

I think what I would be inclined to do if I was in your shoes, is to talk to my DS and see what upsets him. I would try to calm his fears if they were imagined. And I would validate his feelings if they were not.

I would try to keep the dating as invisible as possible to him if he was that upset by my past experiences. I already know I do not want a blended family situation. I want what Shrimps or QB have - where they have a great SO and stay in separate houses with seperate finances and separate lives where the kids are pretty much uninterrupted and uninvolved. My DS is in middle school. He is at a time in his life where he values friends and a stable happy life and having his own routine and schedule. He already has been through the inconvenience of a divorce and has to be shuffled back and forth at the whim of his dad which is not always at his convenience (although he loves his dad and his dad is a definite positive in his life so we do the best we can with that). I have spoken with him - he knows I am dating and that I am picky - although I do not tell him everything or speak to him as a friend/chum - I think Soonee makes a great point with that. DS does have a request and I do honor it - that he is not inconvenienced in any way and he does not give up quality time with me because of my dating.

I do choose to date because I feel that DS is now able to be independent and separate from me - he is starting to build his own life. I feel that if I spend any more time in the convent I might not leave - and that if I do want to meet people and get out there I have to get out there - have a happy social life, maybe dabble on eharmony and just go along alone until the right one comes. I feel I have done the work to heal from my divorce and learn about dating and relationships so I can end up with someone good for me. When the right one comes along I will know it. But at least I am making an effort. I would hope that one day, having a healthy relationship with someone who is kind and giving could make a good example for DS and add to his life. I would hate for his only male role model to be his dad who is selfish and unbalanced with work and life.

For now, the house is clean and we are off to the helicopter field.