Dating and Freaking out

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2005
Dating and Freaking out
8
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 12:41am
Ok i am a single mother of two girls ages 12 and 7. I have been single for going on 3 years now, I started dating this past summer which was a total disaster. I meet this guy a few months back talked to him online and on the phone. Finally 3 weeks ago we met, which is great, i dont think that he is the one or anything right now but i am freaking out. I do know why my mind keeps running a hundred miles an hour. I worry about the kids how they will fit and of course my heart. Now i have found myself enough to where I know that I do not need a man to make me happy or be in the lives of my kids or me. But this one almost seems different and now thoughts are running through my head about them, i know if he doesnt accept that if he is to be with me, he is also going to be with my girls, then he can move on. He hasnt said anything that has lead me to feel negative towards him about how he would be with my girls. He has asked about them and made little comments but we are not to the level that a conversation is needed yet or a label. i am just not ready for that. Do others do this, is there this big fear of the actual talk about how you having kids really makes him feel or am i the only one. Or being disappointed when you find out that they are not as big as a man as you thought they were? all I know is i cannot help but wonder about where my kids are in this, He obviously knows i have kids and has still came around but from my dating past, i do not think that it is a big tell-tell sign of a keeper. I keep asking myself that is i couldnt keep thier dad around, then why do i think another man would stay? i am over my ex honestly, but i still ask it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 10:32am

Welcome to the board, glad you're here.


Try to relax. The more worried you are the less fun you'll have and the less fun

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 10:32am

You only met him in person 3 weeks ago. In my opinion, that's way too soon to worry about how your children will fit into your relationship with this man. I've been dating a wonderful man for 3 months. I will meet his kids this week (teenagers) and he'll meet my son sometime soon, but we'll keep that meeting very short. My son is only 6 and I don't want my son to feel nervous because his little world isn't changing any time soon just because I have found love.

If you are picking up a vibe that this guy you're seeing is selfish in any way and that he would not accept your kids, then trust your instinct. Does he have any kids? I haven't had any good luck with never married men who don't have any kids. They seem selfish and they treat me like...yeah, you're a great woman and if I found someone like you who didn't have a kid, that would be any better.

The man I'm seeing now has kids. Doesn't want anymore. I don't want anymore. We're so happy to have found each other that the kids issue is a non-issue (even though our kids are challenges for us in our day-to-day lives)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 10:47am

Hi there and welcome to our board. I think it is normal to freak out about dating and being vulnerable with your heart. Especially for a single mom! You have responsiblities and of course you are probably stretched thin just keeping all of your balls in the air. Adding a new relationship surely tips the balance.

But like the others here have said, try to keep it casual and go slow and see if it is meant to be. Hold your heart back a bit to see his intentions - that he wants a relationship and not just the sex; also see if you have chemistry and are compatible over time.

I don't think you should worry if he will accept your kids. If he falls in love with you he will love you and your children will be a bonus, especially at their ages now. Just because your exh left doesn't mean he will do the same. Your future will not be based on your past this way. And I am sure you had nothing to do with your exh leaving - so don't blame yourself.

Tell us more about you and about him. Stay here and talk to us!!

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 11:24am

I don't think you should worry if he will accept your kids. If he falls in love with you he will love you and your children will be a bonus, especially at their ages now.


Ok, I have to disagree here. That sounds like a very idealistic statement to me. It doens't ALWAYS or even OFTEN work out that way. Many many men do NOT consider the children of a woman they love a "bonus" but rather consider them "in the way". I think it's actually a very good thing to know ahead of time how a man feels about dating a woman with children, and how he would feel about those children if the relationship progressed. Even if he doesn't meet them soon (and I personally hold the opinion that he shouldn't) he should still be able to know how he feels about possibly being a role model to another man's kids.


That kind of stuff can come out early (and it should) if the conversation is facilitated.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 1:35pm
That is probably a good point to bring it up in the beginning to weed out the ones who would be bothered. I guess I have been lucky enough not to run into any of them yet, Beck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2005
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 1:52pm
Lol believe me i have weeded out quite a few bad ones, that just didnt seem to be to into idea of me having kids. I wont bring the topic up right now, but i dont know why the thoughts keep running in my head. I guess since the past months of dating has been entertaining to say the least. I know that the time is not right to bring it up as i said i am just enjoying getting to him, i just do not know when the right time would be. or if i just sit here and wait to see if he brings the talk on
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 3:30pm

I always brought that topic up right away - that I am a single mom. But I did it in a positive way - to mention a funny story about the day or something like that.

If you have been dating online it is no wonder you have entertaining months. A few women here have met SOs online but I have totally stopped that because I did not like the men online or the process or any of it!!

Share your stories - we would love to hear them!

Avatar for tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 3:40pm

Hi and welcome!
Take a deep breath! :)

He knows you have kids, so you know he's not opposed to dating someone with kids. And you are enjoying getting to know him so far. And that's about all you know right now.
The rest will come in time.

Don't worry so much about whether he's going to disappear on you because of your children or any other reason, because if that's constantly in the back of your head, you definitely will not open up to him or the possibility of a relationship with him. You have to have an open heart to fall in love and to be loved back. I don't mean trust blindly but be smart. You have instincts, use them! And forget about why your ex left, this guy is not your ex. The best advice I ever got was to treat each relationship, each person as unique because if you constantly compare one guy to an ex, you aren't really giving him a fair shake.

If the two of you continue dating and this develops into a more serious thing, then you can decide when and if you're comfortable with him meeting your kids and seeing how they get along. I do think that is a BIG part of carrying a relationship to a more permanent level. Obviously, your kids come first and if he isn't going to treat them with respect and appreciation and honor your role as a mom, he's not for you.

For now, just try (TRY!) to relax and enjoy! Dating is supposed to be fun. ;)

Hugs
Tara