Dating and Kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Dating and Kids
8
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 3:57pm
I would like in-put. I went out on a second date with a man to the park with my kids. I thought it would be fine as long as he didn't act like a boyfriend. Well, he did. He was hugging and kissing me, not sexual, but affectionate. My daughter thought we were going to get married! I felt really badly about it afterwards. I feel like this guy was inconsiderate of our feelings. He really should have known what affect his behavior would have on kids. I'm wondering if anyone else thinks that, too. Or what do you think? I kind of sabotaged the relationship after that. I really always had the feeling he just wanted sex, even though he put it in such a nice, friendly way the majority of the time. Thanks for any thoughts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 4:13pm
I'm sorry.

My thoughts. I think the second date is way too soon to involve the kids, at all. I don't think it's good to include the kids until you and the man you are dating MUTUALLY decide that you are in a committed, exclusive relationship, and I think the second date is WAY too soon to make that determination. And, since you had the feeling that all he wanted was sex, had it been me, I NEVER would have had that feeling and would have never introduced him to my kids. I also think that when you mutually decide it's time to meet the kids, that you sit down with your partner and tell him exactly how you want it to be handled. I sat down with my boyfriend (now husband) and we agreed we would hug and kiss on the cheek hello (which I do with everyone) and that was ALL of the physical contact there would be. No kissing, no hand-holding, no lovey dovey stuff. And no pet names. Should he have known that? Unless he's a parent, has dated someone with kids before, or knows someone that has children and has went through a divorce, no. Guys simply don't think about that kind of stuff. And even then - sometimes they STILL don't think of that kind of stuff! I know a guy who invites his "girl du jour" to dinner with him and his 8 year old daughter every other weekend, whenever he has his dinner, and is all over the "girl du jour" during dinner. His poor daughter. He doesn't see that he's doing her any harm. Ri - - ight.

Next time, take it very slow when it comes to introducing your children. And, before you introduce them, lay down the ground rules so that you KNOW your children will be protected.

Best wishes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 5:35pm
I agree with Min, 2nd date is too soon.

But I also agree that you REALLY have to lay down the law on what will be appropriate behaviour around the kids. Guys really don't know these things unless you tell them. And of course, any guy who doesn't follow the rules after they have been established is NO GO!!

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 5:44pm
KERPLUNK - that is the last sound - of him going into the pond. I would give this dodo the boot and never look back. IN my opinion he was way out of line to act like that on the second date in public in front of your kids.

You should have waited to introduce them. But he was totally inconsiderate. I smell a rat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 6:21pm
Thanks for the in-put. I felt stupid afterwards, but he'd been pestering me for days to go out: dinner, walk, you name it. I thought he'd know enough to play it cool, just a friend, because he has kids of his own. He didn't seem like a stupid guy. I did everything differently than I had planned. It's just that my kids are with me almost all the time. However, in retrospect, I think he was just pushy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 6:29pm
Yes, he was too pushy and that's a horrible sign. I bet he's a control freak.

Don't go out with a man who doesn't respect your boundaries.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 6:51pm
Yes - he is too pushy. He should be more considerate of your feelings and your needs.

I remember a guy who asked me out - I had met him online. I explained that I would feel more comfortable if we met for coffee for our first time. He said no - he wanted to go to dinner and for a walk on the beach after I explained my feelings. I rejected him on that because a walk on the beach at night is not appropriate for the first date when you have never met and he did not listen to me the first time when I stated I wanted to meet for coffee.

So guess what? He got nothing. No first date - I rejected him. Also, he was an emergency room doctor who had lived in Saudia Arabia to "find himself" and came back to a 2nd rate job where he was the doctor in charge before. Too many things to bother me - unsettled, never been married, doesn't listen, etc etc.

When in doubt, reject!! It is too easy to say, "next!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 8:05pm
Appreciate hearing your thoughts. Not to throw a monkey wrench in the works, but he seemed like he may have lacked common sense. He let me pick the place to eat on our third date. I don't know that I want to pursue anything with him, but maybe it would be good for him to know what he did wrong. I met him on-line and am thinking of sending him a quick email, not nasty, just informative. Maybe it will help him in the future because though he seemed a little eager, and ignorant about women, he did seem basically nice.
Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 12:47pm
Hi

First instincts are usually right on. So maybe he's in to you for sex as you suspect.

Regardless, I don't know that you can expect a guy without kids to know how to behave in that situation. He may have thought it was okay. He may not even have thought.

I think in the future, if you're going to have a guy around the kids that soon and you don't want to confuse them, explain to the guy that you want to keep the hugging and kissing for private for now.

Hugs

Tara