Dating and an older child

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2006
Dating and an older child
5
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 10:42am

I am a 31 yr old mother of an 11 yr old daughter. She is a very mature 11, we discuss alot of things together.Well i have been seperated from her father now for a 1yr 3mos. and am just starting to date. I found a really nice guy i have been seeing for the past month and just now wanted to let him be able to come over to my house and just watch t.v or sometimes he justs wants to stop by but usually i say no because i am unsure how my daughter will react.

Now we have had the talks of mommy is going to be seeing other people other than daddy and she has kind of a little attitude sometimes about it. Now usually my daughter and me have a perfect relationship but it seems since she has been noticing i am a little more interested in this guy she is putting up a major fight and being rude and i am at my wits end because she normally is a sweetie with no back talk. She embarasses me in front of this guy with her rude and ignorant behavior.

I do not know how to handle this situation with her. I've tried talking to her but she seems irritated when i discuss things with her about someone other than her dad.

How do i handle her feelings and sometimes rude attitude??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 10:54am

HI there! I think it's perfectly normal (and irritating, but normal, still) for your daughter to have an attitude about this. Especially if he's the first guy you've shown any real interest in since you and her dad split up.
I think, and this is just my opinion, that you as the mother should simply lay down the law where this is concerned. You don't have to be mean to her, but you do have to be the mother. You're still the boss. While you can let her know that you understand she's hurt, and she will never be replaced, you deserve to be happy, too. She can't always be the center of your world (although you might not want to tell her that) and you deserve to be able to have a life.
I haven't yet started to have guys over who are more than friends, and my children are younger, but I think if the time ever comes, that's probably what I'll do.
Good luck, I hope everyone else has good advice for you!

Moody


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 2:40pm
She's getting at an age when kids naturally rebel, plus your dating a new man. So, it's a double whammy. You are the adult. I wouldn't discuss your love life with her too much. Resist the urge to over explain it. Tell her only what she needs to know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 7:25pm

I agree with this.

Sometimes when we are just two - meaning parent/child, we develop a rather cozy state. And that is not bad. I think if I was in your shoes I would be inclined to start changing this a bit if you are really that serious about having a relationship in your life.

I would make sure I have good boundaries in place - meaning chores around the house, homework done, good bonding time with her - dinners, special times - just put a bit more routine in your life - not all bad with chores - lots of good.

Start being the parent more - and the friend less - stop confiding so much. And to replace this, encourage her to have more of a social life on her own - activities - friends - stuff like that.

That should add a little more balance and variety and not make her so dependent on you and not so cozy just the two of you. I feel that when all of this is in place then you will have a little room to nudge with bringing your man around. I think you should absolutely maintain rules for her behavior when around him. She doesn't have to like him - but she does have to have manners and be polite or else there are repercussions - meaning taking away priveleges.

I think that if you go slowly with the man then you will be okay. Whenever something is new it is always difficult. And who knows, she may end up enjoying his company just fine in time.

Good luck and keep us posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2006
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 8:14am
Thank you all so much..It is a little difficult at times but taking your advice and having a routine and yes explaining to her she does not have to like him but has to use her manners around him or priveliges will be taken away is a good idea. It is just hard sometimes because it and has just been the 2 of us. So yes i will try all these things and lay down the law and definitley be more of the parent than friend. And also have a lot of good times still with her like we usually do. I will be patient as yous have said and take it slowly. Thanks for the advice i will keep you guys posted. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 4:59pm

Please do keep us posted.

I can totally relate to how wonderful it is with just 2 - because I am in those shoes with my son now. I really do relish our times together and the amount of peace and stability we have together. I am not dating right now - and haven't in a while - not that I wouldn't - just haven't had someone ask me out to whom I would say yes!! But anyway, I know I will be dealing with the same issues.

We already juggle a lot as a single parent - we are mom, dad, wife and husband all rolled up into one. And then we have to find the time for ourselves. It is not easy.