dating with a child

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2006
dating with a child
11
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 11:11am
I've been dating a guy for 2 years and I want to know what I should expect from him when it comes to my child? We have been living together for about 9 months. Should he be like a step-father to my child? My child's bio-father is not in the picture. Should I expect him to help raise, discipline, watch my child when I need a babysitter? What is asking too much from a live-in boyfriend? I need help!!!!!!!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 11:58am

It depends on what you and he have talked about and what your expectations are.

I know that I would not want a boyfriend to feel like he has to pay for stuff for my kid or babysit him. That would be my responsibility. But I do know that I would want them both to have a general feeling of liking each other and getting along. And I would definitely have to have a boyfriend who is a good role model.

Do you feel that your bf is not being supportive? What are your expectations? Do you see a future with him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2006
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 2:01pm
I think he is a great role model. I said from the start that he would not be responsible for her. I didn't think it was fair at that time, since we just met. They have grown closer to each other over the past 2 yrs. but when I ask if he will watch her for me he says no. When I asked will you ever watch her for me he said no. Now I told him to move out because I wanted to be more like a family and he didn't. We have been talking over the past month that he has been out. He tells me that he doesn't want to lose me and I tell him to think about what he wants. If he moves back in, then he needs to think of us more like a family and not a girlfriend with a kid. I'm not asking him to pay for anything that involves my child, just get more involved with us. As of now I told him if he wants to be with me, he has to show me that he is willing to realize that I have a child and he can't date me and want nothing to do with her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 4:41pm

"If he moves back in, then he needs to think of us more like a family and not a girlfriend with a kid. I'm not asking him to pay for anything that involves my child, just get more involved with us. As of now I told him if he wants to be with me, he has to show me that he is willing to realize that I have a child and he can't date me and want nothing to do with her."

I think it is GREAT that you took this action. And I think you should stick to this level of thinking for you and your daughter.

I bet it is more than just watching her from time to time - you have a sense that he was not fully committed to the package of you and your daughter. It was probably little subtle things that told you that about his actions.

Don't settle - you are surely doing the right thing!! Good for you!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 8:37pm

HI there. I haven't read ahead, so forgive me if I repeat what others have already said. I have a few questions before I start spouting off advice, which I will probably do at some point anyhow.

How old is your child? What did you discuss before moving in together? What does your child feel about him? How does the bf treat him now? What about finances- are they split in a way that's agreeable to both? Whose place was it before you cohabitated- yours, his, or did you get it together?

I get the sense that he doesn't do enough as you see it, yet you are unsure if your expectations are fair. You're probably right that he doesn't treat your son as his child, and yet, you probably do expect too much if you never discussed this- and he never agreed that that was what he wanted. Communication is vital before moving in with someone, especially if there are children involved. I think typically people simply don't get that they aren't just gaining roomates, they're gaining responsibilities. A lot of people are completely fine with it, but need to have it spelled out for them exactly what that means.

That doesn't mean you get to use him as a free babysitter every chance you get, it means that the two of you decide what's right for all three of you as a unit. For some families, the mother baiscally does raise her child on her own, with the bf as the male role model and as her backup, but not a primary care giver. Other families do opt to have the bf become the step-father figure. But, either way, it's a conscious decision, made by both adults.

Without more information, I don't have more advice, but I wouldn't ever live with another man who couldn't love my child. That being said, most women who are married to their children's fathers think they carry the brunt of the workload- and most of them do. Life isn't fair, but moms get most of the hugs, too, so I guess that about evens it up.

Moody- overworked but hugged a bunch today


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 10:36pm

Hi Shell,


Welcome to the board.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 9:32am
Thank you for responding. My daughter is 4 and is a great kid. I think he is self involved. He is also a workaholic and seems to always put himself 1st. We have been talking about our situation and he has said that it would be o.k. for him to bbsit for a couple of hrs but not overnight or more. My daughter's father is not in the picture at all. I'm the primary care giver. I take care of all the finances with her. All I'm asking him to do is get more involved with us. Play a game with her, take her for ice cream, etc. every once in a while. I think it sould be o.k. for me to run errands or go meet a girlfriend for dinner and have him bbsit. He said he doesn't feel comfortable bbsitg for a day or 2 because if something sould happen, my family would have a field day with him. I asked what he would do with his bio-child. He said, I don't have to answer to anybody with my own child. To be honest, I think it's not going to work out because he is all about himself. I'm very jealous of other couples who have that "family" atmosphere and here I have to try so hard to get that. I just don't understand why it's so hard for me to find a happy medium with someone. Thanks again for your response. Reading all the responses has helped me out. I think this is a great website.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 9:47am

I think your instincts are good - this one is not the one for you.

1) Workaholic - been there done that - it is okay if you are both this way or if you don't mind being left alone a lot - but that is not for me either. It sounds like he would just detest having to be "nonproductive" and play with her and entertain her. You can't change him or judge him for that - just know he is not for you/your situation.

2) He just isn't that child friendly - some people really take to kids - it is like they are naturally playful and warm hearted - he is not one of these or not yet at a point in his life where he can be like that - that is not good with a child so young - it would hurt her self esteem.

3) Your family values are different. I think you require someone who doesn't mind doing a lot more family activities - this is the picture you have in your head - and this is easier to find than you think - keep looking and you will find a special person who loves you AND your dd!!

I hope you stick around and participate in our threads and also keep us updated about you!

I really loved Alison's story about her son and the grocery store - how she was all set to take him to the store but her son wanted to stay home with her bf and he agreed - that is how it should be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 9:59am

Well I certainly understand the desire to have a family, especially for your daughter since she doesn't have her dad around.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 10:25am
Your response has helped me out a lot. Thank you! I will stick around.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 10:32am
I think your right. I have to face the fact that he is not the one for me and my daughter. Your responses has helped me out a lot. Thank you!!! I will check in to give an update at a later date.

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