Dating with children/do's and don'ts??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2006
Dating with children/do's and don'ts??
11
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 1:34am

I feel like a child even typing these questions out but I have not been single THAT long officially (post divorce) and I guess I really don't know what's okay and what's not when it comes to this specific issue. I need some input mainly from those of you who have your child in your care 80-90% of the time.

Here's my issue...I am 32 years old and I have been officially divorced for almost 2 years and have dated maybe 5 or 6 people in that time period. The last two people I dated, I introduced to my 3 year old (soon to be 4 next month) One, had kids and we only dated for about a month but I took my child over to his place twice so they could all play together. He was never around this man one on one unless he came over to my place right before he went to bed to watch a movie or visit and it was brief. The next guy I dated I waited just over a month before introducing him because I really felt it was going somewhere serious and my son was around him at least one weeekend afternoon a month and we went on a short weekend trip together and we dated for about 6 months until we broke it off. My son never even asks about him because even though he was used to seeing him, he never grew close to him. That's my only guess anyway.

The guy I am currently dating was my friend first (since about April) and my son knew him as my friend back then as we would go to his house to have BBQ's with his friends and he would sometimes come over here to visit with me right before I put my son to bed. In fact if it wasn't for all the wonderful qualities I saw in him and how good of a friend he was to me I probably would have stayed in my last relationship longer than I did. I am now getting lectured by my parents (which can be quite humiliating as an adult) about the fact that my child does not need to be exposed to a bunch of men who are going to walk in and out of his life and that I should only introduce someone to him if I know it's going to be a serious relationship. I agree to a large extent. I don't want this for my child and I feel like I'm careful but I feel that saying he can't even be around someone I'm dating is difficult. I have him all but one weekend a month when he sees his dad (which means I am out of town because I drive him there and stay with my mom) and yes I get sitters a lot so I can go out on dates with this person and my son doesn't spend extended time with him at all BUT it's difficult to develope a relationship with someone when you limit it to a few hours a week on a date night. And if it does get serious then you suddenly introduce them to your child let's say after 6 months and they can't handle the whole package you've really screwed up. So what is the right way to do things and when is it okay to expose your child to someone? I do want to clarify that prior to my last 2 relationships I dated casually, meaning, they were JUST dates and I usually met them somewhere or they picked me up when I got a sitter. Although he didn't grow attached to the guy I was with for 6 months he still saw this person come into my life and leave it and I don't want to misjudge someone the way I misjudged him and I know that being around my child should be a privelege always. The way I've handled things for the last month with my current boyfriend is that he comes over a few nights a week right before I put my son to bed and we visit then he leaves and on the weekends we have a date night (get a sitter) and sometimes he'll come over on a Sunday afternoon when my son is there or if my father takes my son for a Saturday we will spend Saturday together and I won't see him at all on Sunday. I've never gotten along with anyone so easily and I'm crazy about him and he's crazy about me but I don't know what the right thing to do is or when you really know it's okay....what is and isn't okay. My parents don't feel like he shoudl even be introduced to anyone until I know it's serious but I really don't feel it's any of their business to butt into my life, but I just happened to meet 2 great guys (one I was wrong about), one right after the other. I'm a good mom and my little boy has always come first in my life.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2006
What is the right time and the right way? I think you are the only person that can answer that. You really have to go with your gut instinct on this one. There are no guarantees with anyone, even if it has been years. If you know the man you are dating is a good man, then there really shouldn't be too much harm done. I have been divorced for a little over 2 years now and I have three boys ages 8, 6, and 3. I have had them around 3 men now. The first one was a very long time friend which turned bad. The second one I waited about a month (which was a year and a half later) but then he changed and realized he didn't want the responsibility of the additional children as he had two of his own. The man I am dating now, I was friends first and my kids had been around him a few time but we really kept the affection to a zero for a couple of weeks until my children were comfortable with him being around. Now my boys just adore him and I know he is the type of man that even if things didn't work out between us he would continue to be my friend and be a part of my boys lives. This one just turned out to be "one right after the other"...just make sure you know the man as much as you can. Trust your instinct!

Pages