dating dilemma I've answered!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
dating dilemma I've answered!!
6
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 1:34pm
Ok so to start off the guy that would treat me like his world I told him straight up today. I said Scott ( my best friend's husband and his boss ) needs to stop ragging on you about me because how I see it, you've like me for pretty much ever and you had to wait almost 6 years because I was with James. Well I dont want you to feel like I use you and I know you help with the kids and you are a better father than their dad would ever be to them but... you've waited for 6 years at least and I'm not ready for another relationship ( whether emotinally involved or only physcially ) he said I know you need your space i understand. I told him the guy I slept with in June was to help me get over my ex, and it was for the wrong reasons but I amnot a slut and never have been and never wil be and I vbalue our friendship more now knowing how much he helps me out and I can always count on him. He said he understood and he said he wasn't looking for a relationship ( but he said in a very disappointing tone ) I felt bad but..... that's how I feel. I've slept for the entire weekend on it and thats what I came up with.
James' mom and I got into it. She wouldn't drop the kids off after Angelina's birthday party with them on Friday and I said where is their father and she said right here. I said what does he do? Why cant he drop them off? She said because you are at Scott's house and I said so..... He doesn't pay child support pick them up or drop them back off he's a terrible father but he always has been hasn't he? She said what the f*@k do you do? I said what?!? she hung up and i said f u to her. I was pissed. My adrenaline was flowing and if she had been standing right in front of me I dont know what would've happened. James then dropped the kids off at my mom's and I went and picked them up.
He called yesterday and when we got hom e I called back. His grandmother said call back in 10 minutes. I did, no answer. I called right back no answer. I'm like the night before the first day of school 7 pm, they are going to bed, and I tried one more time. He answered and I said hey sorry for calling so many times in a row but the kids are in bed and they wanna say good night. He said yeah yeah whatever just let me talk to them. I never did anything to him and he has an attitude with me? That was the first time i had talked to him 3 months. His mother is no longer allowed at my house to pick the children up I am tired of letting him get away with being a dead beat dad. He will be picking them up from here on out or I will call the police when his mother steps foot onmy property I am tired of the games. No more misses nice, I'm done and it's time for me to take control of my life and my children's life. I am done.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 5:58am

"I felt bad but..... that's how I feel. I've slept for the entire weekend on it and thats what I came up with."
EXCELLENT!

Okay - now - about your ex. You are harboring a great deal of anger and resentment and I think this is hurting YOU more than him.

First of all you have to work on the legal aspect of getting him to pay child support. This is a whole separate issue from visitation. Do not allow this situation to go on.

Second. You have to accept that as a single mom you are going to do the lion's share of the load of parenting. It stinks but it is the way that it is. You also have to accept that he is not going to have the same approach as you with parental duties.

I can understand that you are not getting along with his mom. But I really think you are shooting yourself in the foot to say that she is not allowed to come and get the kids. From what I have read, she does an okay job with them? Is that correct? Because if she does, you are lucky to have someone else to help you. And they will benefit from their relationship with her. It even sounds like they are better off with her than him.

I really think you have to let your issues with your ex go so you can get on with your life. It doesn't matter what he did. It is done. You have to learn to control yourself so you don't get mad. You cannot control what he did or what he does - only what you do.

I know this is easier said than done. But this approach has really helped me with my exh. I do not allow him to get me mad. If he wants to help that is fine and if he doesn't I have other help - I do not need him or his approval. Anything he does at this point is gravy in my DS's eyes. And I don't care what he does. Really.

This is all new and your wounds are very big and fresh. I hope you work on tending them and on getting your life the way you want it now. You have a whole fresh start and you are very young. There is much you can do.

Hope this will help you. I think you made the right decision with the guy - you don't need a relationship now with anyone - you have to find yourself and settle this mess with your ex.

Keep us posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 1:18am

I totally agree, Judy!


I don't have any respect for my ex, but I'm so grateful that his parents are there for Nicolas 100%.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 10:53am
Well to start off this woman needs psychiatric help. She wanted a relationship with my children because she had nothing better to do and now she is back with her boyfriend and it has all stopped, but one good hting has come out of it, she is making her son do more, or he is stepping up, probably the first conclusion.
She picked my kids up for visitation, was extremely nice complimented me on their outfits and their hair. James and his new g/f Chelsea dropped them off. I dont know why Chelsea has to get out at my house but she did. I was on the phone with James' father who JAmes doesn't have a relationship with and I just started talking to thats a long long story, b tu anyhow.....
James says Karyana peed her pants. Chelsea got the girls out and to my surprise James got the baby out. He gave him a kiss, handed him to me and that was it. He asked Chelsea how many bags they had and she said 2 or 3 he hands her the 2 bags and she hands them to me, it was pee pee clothes, but anyhow I held back put a smile on my face and said thank you chelsea and she looked at me dumbfounded and slowly said your welcome. Even James couldn't believe I was standing there with a huge smile on my face. Angelina says I'm gonna miss Chelsea and held back even more because it hurt but I laughed and said oh baby you get to spend the whole weekend with daddy and chelsea and nana. She said ok ran over to chelsea and she picked her up swung her aournd in a biog circle, now keep in mind this girl is a whole 5 foot tall and weighs about 90 lbs. swinging around my 45in. tall daughter who weighs 43 lbs. and then they repeat it and chelsea says I'm gonna miss you so much.
The only thing that makes me mad is Angelina says Chelsea is gonna make me cupcakes for school. I said for what? She said for all of my parties and I said no that's mommy's job and Chelsea will not be coming to your school. By the way Chelsea is on the IS NOT IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM ALLOWED TO PICK MY CHILD UP list at school. She's trying to take over. Now I am 5'9'' and weigh about 160 so I look like a giant next to h er and look like her mom as well, LOL. So she needs to step back a little. She runs around town which everyone knows everyone and says she wants a guy without kids and sleeps around and then she looks at Angelina and says I dont know what your mommy tells you but I'm not ready to be a mom and I dont want any babies. What am I supposed to take of that? It upsets me she tells my 5 yr old this but I no longer have a problem with her except for the fact she's trying to be mommy, and what it really looks like to is that she's trying to be nice and she's offering to make James think she's a hell of a good person because she is always cheating on him and fighting with him. At least she is nice to my kids but reminds me of the movie parent trap where she's nice to the girls around people but by themselves she says all kinds of nasty things llike boarding school and why t hey are really with daddy, and for some reason NANA and James keep telling my kids that Chelsea is just a friend and they aren't dating??
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 10:14pm

It sounds like you have a good step to smile and be gracious.

Pull yourself out of their drama and only think, talk and communicate with the purpose of "what do the kids need" - no more analyzing or looking at what they are doing. Keep it to the topic and purpose of the kids - sort of like being civil and sticking to the business of the day.

Don't forget to go for getting your child support set up. You can have it come out of his check and to you on time. Don't give up on that.

It will all settle in soon. Don't worry about cupcakes - that is okay. She will tire of all of this rather soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 11:14pm

I know it's hard to see your daughter wanting a relationship with Chelsea, but it may actually be a good thing.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 10:15am
I had court on Friday and I asked James' grandma to watch the baby because the older girls were in school. When I got there James and Chelsea were there. Of course he didn't talk and actully hid around the corner wall so he didn't have to see me but I handed the baby over to Chelsea and told her thank you and she and James watched the baby.
I didn't have a ride home from school this afternoon for my oldest and James called last night which he has started an every Sunday night ritual with the kids, and he said he would pick her up. I gave him directions and he asked if he was able to pick her up and I said he and his mom were on the list and no one else from their family. He said ok, and then to my surpirse he asked if I had plans this afternoon for Angelina and I said no, why? He said do you mind if I keep her for a couple of hours and hang out with her and I said no thanks I appreciate it, he said hows 4 pm. I said no later than 5 and he said ok, thanks. I guess he's starting to come around.
His mom had the baby this weekend and he took the girls camping with his cousin's family and Chelsea but whatever. But.... I called his mom Fri. night to tell the kids good night and she didn't answer I tried back and left a message. I called the next day around noon and I talked to them and said I would call to say good ngiht again. I called Sat. night and she didn't answer once again, I was getting mad. Next morning I called and she said oh James has the girls at the beach and I said oh cool, alright I asked if they went to bed early and she said oh yeah we were in bed early friday and saturday ngiht. I was like oh thats ok, instead of telling me they went camping which it was his weekend if he wants to go camping then he can but she lied to me and my girls said we went camping it was fun, but his mom had to lie about it. Plus they were at the beach because thats where they went camping. I just dont understand why she always has to lie, about everything, little and small. I didn't even say anything because it's just common to be lied to now.
Things are starting to get better, and I get to meet James' dad for the first time labor day weekend. He wasn't aorund for James growing up because of James' mom and James hates him for it when he should hate his mom for it, but I asked him if he wnated a relationship with my kids and he was almost crying, James doesn't know yet but I dont care, my kids deserve their grandfather and he cant be any worse than his pathological lieing mom. So hopefully things work out with his dad, I cant wait to meet him. He calls me every week to ask about the kids. He's in NC. Things are starting to look up. As for child support, LOL, that still hasn't got paid and it never will I'll have to take him to court for it again. BUt as for daddy relationship wise he's getting better, but that's just him. He parties for awhile which that's where Chelsea came in and then he's ready to settle for a few years. He's always been like that, so this is temporary, but better than nothing, right?