Dating a GREAT guy but, he is moving...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Dating a GREAT guy but, he is moving...
4
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 10:07am

Hi all. You may or may not be familiar with my story but, the short version is I am separated and soon to be divorced (husband cheated and ran off with a coworker of his). I started dating a few months ago and almost immediately found a WONDERFUL guy. Good looking, kind, stable, very good lover, likes my kids (has only spent a little time with them as an aquaintance...I try to keep those worlds separate at this time).

Anyway, the problem is that he is here on the east coast for about 3 more years (his daughter will graduate high school then and he wants to move back to N. Calif. where all his family resides - he is 38 BTW. He actually bought land adjacent to his fathers property there already and is going to start building a home. So, I know I want to date him for a little longer for sure(he has been a great distraction during this divorce) but, I know he is a keeper and at this point I'd stay with him for the long haul if he were not leaving. I am 31 (my boys are 5 and 8) and I would like to remarry down the road - I'm in not in a rush but, just have an eye to the future. Since I am a prime age to land a future husband (I'm not goregous or anything but I am a pretty good catch - not psycho, fit, attractive, kind, debit free, have interesting hobbies, etc...).

My quesiton is: should I even bother? I am not sitting around fretting or anything but, I do think about it. We had a really nice diner out last night followed by movies and a sleepover at his house...was great as always. While we were driving we were talking and he mentioned moving in 3 years and I related to what he was saying then a minute later I said "Yikes, I don't want to think about your moving away!". He said "Then don't." and I replied "I know." - with a smile, and that is the extent that we have discussed it at this time. Have only been dating about 3 months so, it seems unwise to press him at this time - I know we have not been dating long enough to warrant that. Just wondering what you all think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 12:18pm

My initial gut feeling says, think of this one as a lease. You are in two different places in your lives. He has already raised his kids - and stayed here to do it - and now wants to move west and build/live there. It is a pretty big statement to buy property and start building a house - he is not doing that with you in mind.

I think the longer you know this and stay with him, the more you set yourself up for a big loss and disappointment. Because in three years your kids will be 8 and 11 and if they have a dad in their lives you cannot uproot them.

I think of the movie Troy where they were closing the gates to the city and yelled - PULL BACK - and that is what I would say to you. I think this one was good fun to get over the divorce - I had one of those as well. I know you are probably not going to want to go cold turkey and just shut him off - but maybe you can start to distract yourself more and mull this over?

Just my .02. One of my biggest "look for this" things for dating now is a man who is here to stay - either with a business or family. Because I have had 2 relationships where the man was not rooted here and in both cases that led to the end. One had his family in a city 4 hours from here and was not happy being that far away. In the end he moved closer to them. Another one had a house in Canada, his family in California and his job offshore. He flew here to see me and promised he would move here - but an exgf from Canada beckoned and he went back to her. He came back to me afterwards and I decided no for several reasons. But now I know I wouldn't do that again - because if a big job came along for him he would not stay for me. I mean, if they don't stay for family why would they stay for a gf or new spouse? They would not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 2:38pm
Well, I don't like it but, your words ring true. Luckily, decisons don't need to be made anytime soon and I am okay coasting for a bit. He is just so damn perfect for me!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 3:45pm

I know you don't like it - trust me - I didn't like it either for the first one when everything was going along fine - he was even building a house here. And then a job offer came that would take him closer to his family. It was the beginning of the end. But a lesson learned for me for sure. And now I want one with deep roots HERE! LOL!!

Keep us posted!!

Avatar for dani20002000
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2000
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 4:08pm

Wow~ I could have almost written your post a few months back! I was dating someone for about 6 months and we were so good together. I really thought I had found my soul mate but he ended up moving out of state for his job. I was devastated! Well, fast forward 3 1/2 months and I've survived it. We still keep in touch but I think I'm going to have to end that because it tends to set me back a few days each time we talk. It's just so easy to talk to him and I value the friendship so much but I also know that I need to move on and that I deserve someone that is available to me. I don't think there's an easy or a hard way to go about the transition. I chose to continue seeing him until the end. Good luck~I know how hard the process will all be~

~Dani~

 BabyName Ticker