Dating a guy with sole custody of kids
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| Sun, 07-24-2005 - 11:33am |
A co-worker and I are both going through divorces (which whould be final any time now), and about a month ago, we revealed to each other that we had each had "crushes" on the other for about 8 months, ever since I started working with the company. We decided to start spending time to gether outside of work to decide if we wanted to start dating. His wife has already signed over all parental rights to him, so he has full custody of their 3 kids, ages 4, 6, and 7. I have no children, nor have ever dated anyone with them.
Well, other than at work, where we have to keep our relationship a secret due to fraternization rules, we rarely get to see each other. Once or twice a week, he'll come to my house after the kids have gone to bed (his sister lives in and babysits), and several times a week he'll call me after they've gone to bed and we'll talk for a while. We don't do lunch together, b/c he goes home and has lunch with his kids. And I usually don't hear from him or see him at all on weekends, either, b/c he's with them.
In fact, there have been a couple times that we've had plans for him to come over or for us to go do something in the evening while his kids are with Grandma and Grandpa, but something's always come up and he's had to cancel. Like once, he said his sister was taking them camping overnight, and he could come over around 6. At 6:30, he called and said he was going to go out to the campsite to make sure they go in bed OK, and weren't freaked out by not being with him. Then the next day, he said he'd come over after work, but then called to say that his sister was bringing them back early. And yesterday, I called him to see if he wanted to go to a cookout with me, b/c they were at Granma's, and he said he'd call to see when they were coming home, b/c he did want to go with me. He then called me back and said they were going to be brought back within an hour or so, so he couldn't go.
I understand the difficulties that single parents have in dating, but I'm wondering how we're ever going to get this relationship moving. He says he doesn't want to introduce me to the kids until we've been together at least 6 months, but I don't see how the relationship is going to get serious enough in that span of time if we never see each other. Other than at work, the only times I've ever seen him are after 10pm when his kids are asleep, for just an hour or two before I'm so sleepy I have to go to bed to get up for work the next day.
Do you see red flags here? Is he just using me for companionship whenever he gets lonely, on his terms, is he just not ready for a relationship, even though he's the one who brought his feelings out to me first, and has already been telling me that he sees us moving in together in about a year or so?
I just don't know what to think.

The only red flags I see are that you are both not completely divorce and it's pretty soon to be starting a serious relationship for both of you. Taking it slow is wise.
As for him, he could be emotionally ready for a new relationship but his children are going to be on a different timeline. They just lost a lot by their mom leaving and they've got a lot of adjusting to do. He is their main support and even if the sister and grandma are helping out, their emotional well being has to be his #1 priority. He's very smart (and a good dad) to say he won't introduce you to the children for several months. If you are willing, your relationship can make it to that point. He just needs to find his stride and know in his head and heart his children are okay being away from him a day here or there before he can spend more time alone with you. I'm guessing if the relationship is meant to be, that in time he will figure that out.
One thing dating a custodial parent requires is understanding and patience. Be honest with yourself if you are willing to have dates canceled for the children and waiting to spend more time him until he's ready for the children to meet you. If things work out, being a step-parent is no easy road either, so you really need to be taking your time to get to know him before you commit to meeting the children yourself, because you want to know that you might be willing to take on a step-parent role. If not, then there is no point in ever meeting the children, letting them get attached to you and possibly getting hurt themselves if the two of you break up.
I agree with first about everything.
I don't see any flags here, he's making a great effort to try and get together with you, so do be patient. He's got a lot on his plate with those kids, and in time it will get easier, but he does have to put them first. Yes, it would be nice if he could put the relationship with you first, but those kids need him right now. If you're willing to just go with the flow a little and take what time he can give you, then you can build on that. In a few months when he's ready for the kids to meet you, then you two will probably do a few things with the kids in tow as well, like picnics or kid movies.
If you're open to the idea that he's got kids and it's not scaring you off, then stick to it. But yes, remember, that you will be a role model and influence on those kids the MINUTE you step into their lives, whether you take an 'active' role in their upbringing/ parenting or not. And should you two become serious and possibly move in together, then you would be in a step-parenting role, you would be a female role model to them.
Good luck, and keep us posted, and certainly ask more questions as they come up!
Alison
The others have very good things to say. I will give my two cents worth and am sure you will receive more good advice, too. Welcome to our board!!
The biggest red flag to me is that you are both going through a divorce AND working together. I think you need to be careful - because there is potential for some great setbacks for you if things don't work out with him - first because you have to heal from your divorce and loss of your marriage - it is great when you can end one that is not working - and you do feel happy - but you do experience loss of dreams and goals and companionship. A failed relationship is a setback to healing from divorce - you have to be ready for that. Second, of course, is the drama and tension it could create at work if it doesn't work.
I can feel the frustration you have from not getting enough time with him. You have to realize that what you see is what you get - it is not going to get better any time soon. If you had been dating a while and could realize he is all you want then maybe you could wait it out and see his situation as a blessing to keep you slow. It will depend on how you look at it now - can you see the glass half full or half empty?
In love their are no absolutes - this could work and be the best thing that ever happened to you. But maybe it might not. Can you afford the setback and are you willing to take the risks? Slow down and keep your eyes open.
And keep us posted!!
Dear Jellybean,
I'd have to agree with the other folks here who said that there should be "caution" signs on this relationship because (1) Neither of you are divorced yet, (2) Neither of you have had time to do the work of figuring out who you are as single people and healing from your divorces yet, and (3) you work together, so life gets funny if things don't work out.
Stephanie, CL of the Dating as a Single Parent board: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-p